Without a doubt living with DID is down right difficult. for me one of the first things I had to show my alters wad that I was capable of coping with daily stress and therefore didn't need them to rescue me all the time. Secondly I needed to implement a contract with them that everyone was important within the system so everyone needed an equal amt of body time. Thirdly if an alter came out they needed to recall in a designated diary 1-4 sentences what had happened during the time they were out. Finally, the rule of no self harm had to be tried to be upheld. At times we still have dificulties with this rule but I can communicate now with those.who struggle with keeping this rule. As hard as it it an important lesson I learnt was to ALWAYS value each member of my group and remember that had kept me alive.

As sad as it is, I can vouch that you definitely do NOT want your church to hear about it. I was on the path to becoming a pastor until I was honest about my disorder. I was basically instantly removed from the ministry I was called to because it was too much of a "potential threat" and would "block my path to healing". The sad thing is that we have the power to relate to the children and youth on a level that any adult will never understand, but that makes us a threat not a blessing. Keep doing your thing, but keep it to yourself. It's unfortunately best kept a secret.

As for the rest, just keep trying to bring everyone together instead of wedge between. I've found that I have more destructive tendencies for the same activities when I'm not united.

Dissociation, the thing that once protected us can now leave us feeling vulnerable and frustrated.
May the answers you seek reveal a clear path towards peace.
(((Hugs)))

This idea of a contract confuses me. How do you manage to get everyone to agree on anything? I'm lucky if some them will even talk to the rest of us at all.

I think you maybe answering your own question here.You said you are ok or would prefer not remembering what happened in your past. There has to be a unified force within yourself that has to push to remember because you know remembering ultimately leads to healing.Even the slightest doubt or fear of remembering could supess parts of yourself (namely your core) who is essential in helping you heal and stay present.Without that part of yourself helping you will always lose time because of the world we live in.Alters are hypersensitive and hypervigilant to the signs of abusers.They read the subconscious cues of everyone around you and if they feel a person is displaying the cues of an abuser they will switch with you as a protective measure.The problem with this is if these alers are unhealed they usually lack the ability to fend off an abuser and they fall victims to them.This is the double-edged sword of the coping mechansm of DID.With your core being present you will switch at these times but not lose time and ultimately be able to remove yourself from any possibility of being abused.You will recognize the switch and know ok someone around me is not good let me remove myself from this situation.

I know what you mean by feeling like you are living a lie. I go to high school every day acting like I am just a "normal' teenager. I sometimes feel like I'm lieing to them, but really, I am realating to them on a level that they can best understand. same with my church family

As usual well said Wheezie :)

So I have to want to remember before things will get better? That's truly a terrifying thought. I do wants things to change. This chaotic mess of a life is too much to handle. But remembering everything seems even worse in my mind.

Not so sure you have to remember every detail but enough so your brain can turn it into a normal memory, then it can stored properly.
The reason your having memory issues is because your dissociating even when there is no threat. Part of this is because trauma memories are still floating around without a conscious anchor.

We have a log, sometimes my guys forget to write something down, and sometimes they forget the exact wording of a conversation, but for the most part I've been open with safe people, and my troop are not allowed to fake me if they are around them. That way, people know that I may not know everything that has happened, but for those who do not know/understand (my family) we keep a log. I'm also fortunate because my guys all recognize me as the leader, the main person, and the owner of the body. I don't know what I would do without my guys/girls, but I do know how frustrating it can be when one gets in an argument with an outside person, then you have to deal with it.

Thank you Tyzz.Yes April remembering and processing all of your emotions from those memories is healing.I know it is terrifying.The first time I read my trauma narrative to my husband was terrifying.I sat there with the paper in front of my face,with my hands shaking and told him not to look at me.I had so much fear that he would reject me even though he told me he understood all of the dynamics of abuse.When I finished reading I was immediately stricken with dread and a massive amount of fear but as I lowered the paper and looked up at him I didn't see judgement or rejection in his eyes I saw compassion and he said this is not your fault.It took a few days for that to set in but when it did and my system learned that there was acceptance for them it became a free for all.Two to three alters a day started coming out telling my husband there memories.So it does get easier with time but it just takes that first brave step from you.

wheezie that is awesome!

I know something like that is extremely confidential but if you could give an example of what that "trauma narrative" looked like or a sample, it would be very valuable to the newcomer or newly diagnosed....just an idea and thanks for sharing this!

Sure thing John. I used the book Resurrection after rape as one of guides for me healing from trauma. You can download a free copy here. http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/

In this book on chapter IV it explains how to write your story or trauma narrative.It also gives helpful tips on coping with emotions while writing and examples of other peoples narratives.

well done my friend....excellent , thanks !

did has a continuum Iam trying to face this in my fifties and because it was untreated for so long and with addictions too I have no family support only therapist and my dog,, and an unavailable DOC who is a personal friend but I count my blessings,, i am a professional musician that I figure is my God given way to cope,,,, but DID is so different for all when you found out how much support you have the age of the trauma what was going on,, no person is the same I say just one thing I learned in AA I can only take it one day at a time use my tool box for coping and trust the therapist I am going public with my story to hopefully give insight and help others,, I will send you some positive energy there are many ways to learn to cope with alters alot of info online thanks