I'm sorry... I shouldn't have posted that here. I started out with a valid question but it's gone now and I should have saved the rambling for my journal.

just guessing here but reading your post i had the feeling you may be perparing yourself to write or otherwise disclose something of your childhood to yourself and/or your therapist. i say that because of your increase in symptoms and sense of insecurity/uncertainty.

if you think the antipsychotics are helpful and you trust your pdoc then why not give the increase a try? if it helps then that's great, if not tell the pdoc you want to decrease them again. i always tell pts that meds, therapy all of it is NOT a tattoo. it is ALL subject to change, you CAN change your mind and say no thanks at any point. i'm anti med for the most part but i swallow a few daily - not psych meds but i need my meds to feel ok and think people who need psych meds to feel better should take them as well. but it's always an individual choice.

i also think you were trying to connect, you sound all alone and as if you were trying to reach out. not necessarily lonely but alone in trying to figure it all out. i experience depersonalization too, not as frequently as dissociation but it increases in direct proportion to my stress.

i hope things begin to become less difficult for you soon. take good care.

hi and welcome back. i hope you will participate now because this is a good forum. they can really help.
sorry, could not read your whole post. will try again later.

I hope you can fine a safe place to write about your childhood. There is some trauma there. Do it in the presence of your therapist or a trusted person if you can not do it alone. Praying for your healing and integration Divine...

Hi Sister,

You're doing some hard work on yourself right now. Even though you feel scared, I want to say you're very brave. Many people wouldn't even have dared to go this far. Good job!

It's absolutely normal to feel what you're feeling at this point in your healing journey. You want to get it all out so you can deal with it and get it over with, but you're terrified to hear what your memories have to say. It's worth repeating: That's absolutely normal.

So, what's the next step? I can only speak from my own opinion and experience, but the next step for me (and this happened only a couple weeks ago!) was to simply sit down with myself and have a little talk about boundaries and comfort zones. It went something like this:

"Hello, all you parts of me that have things to tell me. I hear you shuffling around nervously in there. I do want to hear what you have to say, but I'm also very scared of knowing. You are part of me, and I value you. I think you may have been through some really difficult stuff, and you protected me from it. It must be hard to hold all that in for so long. I want to be able to comfort you and thank you. I want to hear your stories, but I'm going to set some boundaries. These boundaries are to help me heal and keep me safe at the same time. You are not to bring me any memories while I'm driving or out in public. You may bring them forward, one at a time, while I am safe at home. You are part of me, and have always protected me, so I know you'll only bring me what I can handle each time. Give me something small to start with, let me work with that until I can accept it and comfort you for holding it for me... Then when the time is right, you can bring forward another memory. Eventually, we'll get this done, and we'll stay safe doing it. I look forward to hearing from as many parts as there are, and learning everything you've held for me."

Nothing happened immediately, except that maybe the inner rustlings paused for a bit. I think they were deciding what small piece to give me first. About a day later, a small voice in my head told me how he felt after a trauma I witnessed when I was five. I had remembered the event, but with no emotion, all this time. He had held all the emotion from it, and he told me all about it. At the same time, that answered the question as to why I had become a tomboy around that age. (One more puzzle piece falls into place!) I cried as I listened to him, then I thanked him, and comforted him for what he went through. It felt good, like a release of pressure, when it was done.

I know there are others, and that they'll follow the boundaries we've set to keep us safe as they come forward. Maybe the same kind of thing would work for you? I hope so.

I'm glad you've decided to post here. Please keep doing so - You're a very good writer, and I think we could learn from each other as we travel this path.

PS I'm glad I never went to a PDoc when I was younger - I'm sure they would have labeled me all sorts of things, like BP. Having done a lot of reading now, I see that what could be viewed as BP symptoms (in me) is only the "normal" mood swings associated with PTSD. Meds would have dulled them, but also prevented me from addressing the traumas that held me back for so many years. That's not advice about what you should do with meds... Just one thing to think about. :-)

Hugs,
Wistala

I want to thank everyone for their support and apologize for taking so long to do so.... time gets away from me. I am still trying to write and to remember but someone is still stopping me..... I go to bed feeling like I have done a good job writing tonight then look in the morning and I haven't written anything..... So why did I feel like I had accomplished so much the night before..... can they make you feel things like that? Can they stop you from doing something but leave you feeling like you have done it? That is confusing to me. I am taking a different route now. I am writing about my mothers.... I took one of the almost empty journals and I write about my real mother first, on the left hand side, in green ink..... then I write about my foster mother on the left hand page in purple ink..... I always write about my foster mom last because she calms me down and brings me back.... I am making progress with this one. :)

hi, i think time gets away from most, if not all who post here. it's common for those who dissociate even if they haven't split consciousness'. i have found many things that i thought i've done, undone and the opposite as well. at one point i had what i called the 'laundry fairy.' i would go to do the laundry and it'd be done. huh. people thought it was funny, but it wasn't. not at all. it was upsetting to know i must have done it and had NO MEMORY of doing it. none. that's how it is for me most of the time, i go to do something and realize i've already done it - but the opposite also happens. my biggest issue is financial - i pay things twice or not at all. it can be a real challenge and the 'tricks' people use to avoid such things don't help because when i'm not 'present' i change things then don't remember doing it. sheesh. so, although i can't offer you any solutions, i can tell you, you are not alone in your struggle.

hi,

maybe you could start a dialog with the part that is stopping you. listen to the concerns. ask what is needed.

it hasn't been a linear process for me, but as the parts feel I can handle stuff, they have been giving me glimpses...

~Indigo