Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
I have done a lot with my parts that are easier to accept and have started to work on ones that I am more ashamed of. This has been going well. Now I think I need to work on what I call the dark parts that I have only alluded to in therapy.
I think I trust my therapist enough to fully explore these dark parts. I have a masochistic part that I feel embarrassed by and am ashamed of. I even used to abuse myself as a kid. I used to do things that would cause me physical pain.
When my father was verbally and emotionally abusing me it was so unbearable that I would pray that he would hit me to bet it over with. I don't know how that turned to hurting myself.
I think I trust my therapist enough to fully explore these dark parts. I have a masochistic part that I feel embarrassed by and am ashamed of. I even used to abuse myself as a kid. I used to do things that would cause me physical pain.
When my father was verbally and emotionally abusing me it was so unbearable that I would pray that he would hit me to bet it over with. I don't know how that turned to hurting myself.
oh yes the guilt and shaming parts...for me, they are determined to keep us down and injured, determined to blame and shame us into delusional myths about ourselves. unwinding those tapes in our head will take time.
self harm for me is just another form of self medicating...but unfortunately it doesn't treat the problem, just the symptoms....it works, but only temporarily....hurting oneself is very common....to me it makes total sense....what else are we supposed to do with overwhelming emotional pain??
the cool thing about your journey is that you are actually going back to the when the false beliefs about ourselves began. OR false perceptions about the world i live in and my relation to it. OR beliefs that at one time were true but now no longer apply. The beliefs and coping mechanisms i once had no longer apply...i need to change them!
anyhow,
i hope you will keep sharing...thanks for being here!
Maybe it feels like when you hurt yourself, you're getting it over with, and then free to move and do your own thing afterwards (until the next time).
Sometimes the suspense/angry words/bad feelings can be worse than the physical pain, so you just hurt yourself instead. But you don't have to get hurt anymore. You deserve to be safe and well.
It may take awhile to sort through, (from a fellow still-sorting-througher) but you're tackling it now and that's a brave thing to do. I believe we can all get better with this. Hang in there
granted been away from this group a while. but felt like throwing my pennies in
-Lucif
I got this idea, when I was about 14, that I deserved to be punished, and that there was somehow some kind of balance in the cosmos that I had somehow disrupted, and that the punishment would somehow restore this balance. Also there was a kind of torture in that this punishment kept dragging on and on and on, meted out by my father at arbitrary times.. torture really waiting for the other shoe to fall feeling.
So I figured that I didn't have to just wait for my father's next punishment session and that I could just punish myself and get it over with, so I started self-harming.
That's actually not so unusual for abused kids to do, and I'll bet it won't be the first time your therapist hears such a story. It's how kids think, and part of why we go from one abusive relationship to the next.. we think we still have to make some sacrifice to the cosmos in pain.
I kinda like him tho kinda makes me feel like I am here...
ya I understand when u say u wanted to be hurt...totally get it...
I hope u get the help u need with ure T, all the best
It took all the strength I could muster to talk about this with another person face to face, but it is a part of me. I can work to change it or to accept or both, but right now I need to work to know it.
Here is a scene from the movie "Good Will Hunting" that actually helped me.
Trigger Warning.
Robin Willians plays a psychiatrist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrmYk3Hzotg