Multiple Personalities Support Group

Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...

1,040 Members

5,950 Posts

0 Online

SilverBeingRefined 02/01/2015

Hi All! I've been gone a long while. My husband was diagnosed with DID about 2 1/2 years ago. I came here shortly after the diagnosis in my research and was a bit taken aback by some of the experiences shared. i didn't see a situation that mirrored ours - at least not at that time. I realize each situation is different, but I felt so lost and still have not met anyone in person, or online that has a spouse with DID.

Anyway, that's not what brought me to start this thread. Much has happened since the diagnosis, mostly good I would say. So many questions have been answered and healing has begun.

I would like advise about how to deal with the loss of a "part." There was a young part, maybe 10 years old, named Tommy that my daughter and I grew quite attached to. When we first met him, Tommy seemed to be an angry and distrustful young man. Over time we got to know him and he us. He went from a frustrated, fists clenched at his sides boy, to a goofy kid. The last time I saw him he was being silly with no signs of the anger from when we first met. That was approximately a year ago.

Seven months ago we made a big moving out of state closer to my side of the family. We have new friends, new medical team, and actually have supportive family nearby. With all of these "news" there's been a lot of talk about what we've been going through. Something that has come up a lot is Tommy.

My emotional reaction has been more sad than I ever expected. Before Tommy left I would have thought I couldn't wait for complete integration. I am ashamed to say I didn't think it was possible to grow so attached to the individual parts. I was merely focused on the trauma DID has caused my husband and my family. I was incorrectly blaming DID and the parts, and not putting the blame where it belongs: on the abuse and abusers that resulted in DID.

I am now grateful for DID, without it my husband might not have survived his childhood. I now wish for healing for all of the parts, but not with integration as the final goal. I want everyone to find peace. I want my husband and his parts to be able to coexist. More than that, I want them to thrive.

Back on the subject, I didn't get closure with Tommy. I didn't get to say goodbye. I don't know that he's gone forever, but as far as I know I haven't seen him in about a year. I don't know if he integrated, if he doesn't need to come out anymore or what. How do I handle this? I grew attached to him as I imagine I would a child and now he's gone. Is it unreasonable for me to feel a sense of loss? I don't know if I should be happy he doesn't seem to be here - does it mean he found the healing he needed? Is he simply not allowed to come out?

There's still so much to learn. What a journey. Thanks for reading!

SilverBeingRefined 02/01/2015

I should clarify something. Tommy is merely one of many parts. He just was the first one we really got to know and is now seemingly gone. I would like to know how to deal with losing any more parts along the road of healing.

seemad 02/03/2015

hi I have parts and sometimes when they come out and sometimes when they dont and that happens for a long time. I have parts that are fragments, they come out for an extended period of time and then i don't see them at all. It doesn't always mean that they are not there anymore. I am wondering if u have asked your husband if he has a house for them that the alters created where they would go and hang out, i have a house for my alters up in the mountain. They go there when they are not wanting to talk or have no reason to come out or are simply as i put it, pissed off at me or something I did.
I hope u learn many things more from DID, Integration or incorporation as u mentioned is not the ultimate thing, wanting and having to survive and co-exist is.
thank you for your post. I was married too and my ex didn't care much about this and thought my DID was a hoax to get attention and it's funny that he felt the closet with one of my alters who wanted to always bow down to him. kinda sad. but oh! well

fizzingStyx 02/06/2015

None of my parts died.. I called my integration.."melting pot" like we all became a smoothie. But in a sense certain triggers "made" me act in ways I could deal with things that no longer do I have the need. But I accept all my parts as a part of me and not as individuals problems.. Because they are not individual problems, they are me, who I am and what I am who and what I have becomes, and as bad as some parts of me have been, it's me and in a way I dint think it was wrong simply bcus I have been so hurt that I didn't know better.. But my husband does miss some old individual parts of me that don't come out.. But it's good thing that I don't feel the need to change.. Bcus it's still just me, some times I seem good, bad, sad, however but it's still all of me that makes me ..Me hope this is helpful. Also I dont dissasocite.. I'm healing great finally after over a decade.. I hope inability to show "tommy" isn't due to "not allowed" and I hope and pray that it's just the fact that a lot of changes have happened and in a sense that can trigger the need to feel safe.. But even if it's not a whole individual...what makes tommy, "tommy" will always be there. It's still the same person inside..

freedom14G 02/10/2015

i have learned to be just fine with cooperative healing ie incorporation we are a team it just works i need each part and as we are healing many have just stopped acting out and there is peace i wish peace for you and your family you are very lucky to have family and suppoirt

DarkGypsyG 02/16/2015

our original passed on a few years back. she was tired and decided she was ready to leave us with the rest of our lives to live. she fought from the onset of the discovery that we were a we to provided us with the right to be individuals. when she was satisfied she said goodbye. we don't speak her name or use it unless dealing with legal stuff. we've been using our own names for so long now most everyone we chose to have in our life knows us only by those names. they also respect our choice to honor her in that her name is not spoken. still the loss is there. hubby misses her, but he knows it was for the best.

i can give you only our point of view. as it is that we are each very real individuals, it is also real that we have our own individual life cycles. it can be hard for those with singular souls to wrap their head around being that the outside world can only really see the body and how it seems to be all the same body hence all the same persons even though you sorta get that its not.

i don't know if you are big on faith stuff and i am in no way attempting to push any on you, but it helped us to realize for ourself that we are each a unique soul, we just have to share a house like one big family. so when she left it was like granma passed over.

i hope this kinda helps. have you talked to your hubby+ about it? how they feel?

starfish 02/17/2015

As far as I know, from therapy, reading, and what I've learned from others, alters can't actually die, but they can go "into hiding" or some other relative form of seclusion...I think it's also perhaps possible that some other alter is somehow keeping Tommy from coming forward...there's one alter who I really loved to find out I was a part of his being, I only saw one time. I know that he's very shy and he may even have "slipped out" on accident some how. But he is/was a lot of fun, and really happy and smart. Perhaps he's being held at bay, too. I don't know....and I don't think anyone can really say who or what or why (virtually anything, really, at a philosophical level) the DID world exists, but I do know that what I experience is very much in sync with what others on this site say they have experienced as well as with other books I've read, people I've met with DID, and, of course, other therapists. So something's got to exist in the DID realm; of being!!.

However I also know that within the scope of the mind, what looks, feels, sounds, and in all other ways, seems to be "the real thing" might not be, and actually really isn't, exactly. Because of two things I know of; and that is,

1), because none of us can know all there is to know about any one incident or occurrence because all we have to go by is what our senses have perceived. And all of those senses as well as our brains, are fallible just by the fact that we are human.
2) and also because, even if all of our senses and our brains were working in perfect order, there is also the factor of everything we know and perceive, is only the knowledge and perception that we ourselves have. Like a disko-ball, there are many facets and many endless ways of perceiving one single thing.

I must be manic again, sorry for all the wordage....

Hope to see you all again soon!!!

john12as 02/19/2015

My 2 cents.
To be in a relationship with anyone is a privilege... To be in a relationship with someone with DID is an honor... How do we trust anyone? Some settle for the solitary, single life...it is safer.
Some parts will seem to disappear as they are working through painful memories. The body does not forget.

Other parts in your husband's "system" may actually be able to answer your questions as some monitor on a macro level and can tell you what happened to Tommy. But I know not these parts or if they trust you enough to share.
I've had DID friend stonewall me before and so I lost many friends. Not just one... It hurts a lot...but I'm grateful for the time we had together. I'm sad we could not continue connecting as friends... Her name was Anna.

stephanietram 03/03/2015

Thank you for your post. I forget that the family is aware of us all, and as we change, it affects them.

I think I am integrating. I don't know if any of the parts are gone or not though. I/we had a temper tantrum about 4 months ago and stopped using our individual names. We decided the problems we have are not from DID. DID is the result of the abuse. Dealing with the trauma of the abuse is more important than focusing on the DID, so we stopped using plurals most of the time, and got really careful with notes and the calendar (like I used to do before I knew about DID). Since then, I hear voices, but I don't know who is who any more. I don't think I am less of who I was when everyone was so separated. Probably the same is true for your spouse. If you watch, you will probably see elements of Tommy, though not as pronounced as before. He's your husband, and your husband is him. He's not really gone, I think.

mamoth 03/16/2015

If he has integrated your husband should be able to say I am tommy and I am so and so. So you then can tell your husband how you feel and get so.e closure. If he is integrated you would see that side of his personality at times but again he would now be a collective he would remember being silly and not see himself as someone else when he acts like that. If this isn't happening odds are there is still a Tommy in there who is bound to come out at some point. Hope this helps. Also a thought about children growing and there parents long for that adorable child the child is still there just grown. Much is similar to did and the child alter.

Join the Conversation