Wish i could offer words of advice but just want to know i feel your heartache because Im in the exact position and know how difficult it is to keep on going each day,

Hi, hopeless....I have had those feelings in the past too, and probably will sometime in the future. The key for me has been to remind myself that when I feel that way, it is how I am feeling at that moment. And though it will pass, it does seem to loom over you and that it will never get better. The worse your depression is, the more you will feel that way.

A couple of things that have helped me are, to keep a jourunal of gratefulness. This idea is not just a methodic way to change your thinking. It is (usually) impossible for your brain to register two emotions at the same time...so in theory, the more you can do to make your brain think positively in reality, like a gratefullness journal, or sometimes your mood can be suprisingly changed and lifted just by changing your environment. Going for a walk or doing something outside usually is helpful becuase you get out in the light, which helps your body make seretonin, which is a brain chemical that helps with (good) mood stability. Also, it gets you moving which gets more oxygen to your brain and that can help boost your mood, too. That's why people usually get bored when they are sitting around doing nothing to begin with. And then there's SAD, seasonal affective disorder. Primarily during the Fall and sometimes also the Spring months, when the weather is shifting and the amount of light during the day noticeably changing (apparently even from less light to more) it can cause a decline in your mood, too. I have noticed especially in the last few years, that my mood often starts changing just about mid-October and it takes until about mid-November to get adjusted. But by then, the holidays are rolling around and all that stress from added noise, crowded stores, FAMILY, etc....is an emotional kick in the butt too.

Do you have a therapist you can see, and/or meds that might help you through these stressful times?

sometimes my head is like a toilet that won't flush...lol

i hope you feel better hope...

Is it possible for you to take some extra time for just yourself to process some of what you are remembering? You are not in that situation now, and what you are experiencing is a memory. It can't really hurt you like what happened originally. I just say that because we forget it when we are in memories. It helps to let ourselves feel the feelings but remember the danger is past so we can come back out of the memories more safely.
Hope you are ok