There are those here who may remember me as MamasChild when this group was new. I left over a year ago. But for some time now have had the feeling to come back and share what's been happening. For those who are new - I lost my Mama, the best friend I had (though I never realized it), and then my Dad, six months after. I cared for Mama here at home until the end. Dad was not a part of our lives but I juggled his care elsewhere simultaneously. After Mama's passing in 2007, you'd think I'd be healing, if ever so slowly. I weep regularly now, and I didn't do that in the beginning. I call out to her begging to know that she's safe. I'm beyond mourning or grieving. I don't know if there's a name for it. I just call it depression - a realization of all I had in my life and never appreciated enough - and lost the day my mother died.

The memories of her are still so vivid - so poignant - so real and so painful. I ache to hold her. My heart aches to tears. My house has stopped. I can't keep the housework done. She would have wanted me to get on with my life. But my life quietly stopped the day she died. All I imagine / wish is seeing her come down the hall. A glimpse at her bedroom window reminds me that was where she left this earth. I just want to tell you to be kind to yourselves. It's a very long road to healing and so many bumps in that road.