It is certainly comforting that I've come across this support group. I have never truly sought out any support upon this topic, and have sort of dealt with it alone for the past 9 years. I'm sure most of you who have experienced losing your mother to be extremely difficult, and at some point you have to open up and talk about it. So here is my beginning...9 years later. I will not say that I have never actually discussed her death, but it has always been with individuals who just don't get it. And those that feel I need to just "get over it" or "move on". And as all of you know, its nearly impossible to just get over it. It is a feeling of emptiness that you carry with you through the rest of your life. A void, nearly impossible to fill. I lost my mother to drug abuse. It was hard to deal with as a child, but I loved her more than anything. I had made her my motivation for success, so that I could save her once I got of age. I wanted to take her out of her environment and show her a brighter side of life. But of course, that opportunity was crushed the day she suffered heart failure due to massive drug consumption. Her death alone has caused me to lose a tremendous amount of motivation. I wasn't sure what my purpose was anymore. I did not deal with her death for years. My coping involved, just not talking about it. I rarely cried. I tried numbing myself. I went to school a few days after she passed and told my teacher what happened without a tear in my eye. My unemotional, cold demeanor was very alarming to her, so she sent me to my guidance counselor where I began to cry for a short moment as I told her what happened. In highschool as a teenager things were awkward for me. All of my friends had their moms. Their moms were there to cheer them on during extracurricular sports. My activity was theater. But my mom was never in the audience watching. All of my friends had their moms to prepare them for prom, to talk about dating. Even to help them get through having their first period! I had no one. I had my father but I rarely opened up to him during this time. To make matters worse, I have a step mother. Yet she refuses to embrace me as her own. She's been in my life since I was 7 years old and we have no relationship at all. She's a narcissist. And although she can see the pain in my eyes, she refuses to be that mother figure for me. My grandmother died immediately after my mother due to depression of losing two children. So from then on I've been very alone. So I go on through life giving myself advice. Not the best but I manage. As I've grown to become a young adult, now 23, I find myself missing my mother even more. I find myself not able to connect with any older woman, being very hyper independent and very unlikely to ask others for help if needed. Its a tough place to be in. I want to be able to relate to other women but I often feel so out of touch. Whenever I date a guy, im very hesitant on getting to know their mothers. I don't even know how to have that style of a relationship anymore or if im even worthy of having one. The only thing that gets me through is looking forward to being a mother of my own one day. Being that I'm still very young im in no immediate hurry but I will definitely appreciate the day that I can have children of my own. So that I can celebrate mother's day again. So that I can make sure they have all the love and nurturing that I so very much lack. 9 years later I find myself taking the right steps towards facing this adversity so that I can resume my goals and make my mother proud. Joining this group has been one of those steps. Thank you all for being there