I'm glad to have found this group. I'm not sure I've ever felt so alone.

A few years ago, my adult son was diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses, severe but "functional" to a degree. He has such an incredibly good heart and has brought tremendous joy to many people - and then at other times, he rips out our hearts and stomps on them without a second thought. For the past 10 years, he's fluctuated from doing well to living under bridges, from having steady jobs and relationships to being in jail. The last two years, he's primarily been homeless, and his actions have escalated to dangerous. He was arrested over the holidays and is facing several serious charges that could give him a lengthy sentence.

When he was arrested, as with past arrests, there's been a sense of "relief" in some ways, because in jail, we know he has a roof over his head, a bed, three meals a day, and he is forced to stay clean and sober. Honestly, that's better quality of life than he's had in years as a free man. 

We also don't have money for bail, but even if we did, I wouldn't bail him out, for all the reasons I mentioned above. Family has been harsh with me in the past for taking that stance, but over the years, I think some of them understand a little more, but the judgment is still present.

I feel so guilty thinking all of that. I'm heartbroken over all of it, and I've read many of your posts and see we all seem to have the same heartbreak, the same feelings of guilt, the same sense of aloneness. Jugmental families, friends, coworkers. A sense of shame that we didn't raise our kids to be this way, to turn out like this, and yet, here we all are. I'm sad for all of us. 

And then ... after he was arrested ... I learned that one of his girlfriends is pregnant, supposedly with his child. She's older than he is, and has told him she's been pregnant in the past when she wasn't, so I'm still not convinced that she is. 

My grandmothers meant the world to me, and I always longed for grandchildren. Years ago, my son got another girl pregnant, and we were all excited. I went through the holidays looking at baby things, thrilled thinking that by the next Christmas I'd be holding my grandbaby in my arms. But they fought like cats and dogs, threatened abortion every time, and my heart just kept shattering again and again. I even offered to take in the baby and raise it myself. Then she miscarried, and I thought I would never heal from that. (Then I read Heaven is Real, and that helped me immensely.) I really don't understand how women toy with people's hearts with a baby - a baby. 

So now, here we are years later, another girl, another baby (maybe). She sent me a picture of her "big belly" last night (her words), but I just don't even trust that, for a lot of reasons. 

This all just seems like a lot to carry all alone. Seems we have a lengthy road ahead of us. Thank you for listening.