Moms of Prisoners Community Group
A place of support for mothers with a child incarcerated. A place to share the pain and find comfort with those who are walking on the same hard path. A place where together we can be stronger and help our children cope with their time behind bars.
My 24 year old son was arrested, 2 months ago, Even though he hasn't yet been convicted ... I can't post bail, so he remains incarcerated until his sentence.
I remember coming home, last March 15th ...thinking how strange that he hadn't come home yet .. I made dinner, set aside a plate for him ... 2 hours later, my husband and I were sitting, watching tv.. when the doorbell rang ... hubby went to see .. and there were 5 or 6 officers @ my door. My 1st thought was that something horrible at happened to him and he was dead .. they came in .. with a warrant .. telling us he had been arrested earlier during the day in a parking lot of a convenience store ... they searched our house (this wasn't the 1st time - they had kicked down our door twice before and ramsaked our house)
Since that day, I've put my whole life on hold .. I can't sleep .. I can't focus .. I don't socialise .. I drag myself @ work each day .. and most times .. I cry ... I have not more interest in the things I loved to do (crafting etc ...) ... I often find myself in his room, on his bed! .. I've kept his room as is ..
At first he called often, but now he mostly calls and only wants his girlfriend to go visit him .. this breaks my heart ... tomorrow's Mother's Day and I feel so depressed ...
I tried talking to my co-workers ... they listen but don't understand what I'm going through ... they lend you a false sympathic ear ... but I can feel them judging me ..
I'm a good mom .. I've always been there for my kids ... I always did activities with them .. helped them out in life .. BUT ... I feel guilty .. yes .. the guilt is killing me! ... I wish I would of been firmer with him ... I tried to re-direct him in the right path .. and boy! .. did I try .. he wouldn't listen .. the occasional joint .. through the last year became, as I suspected cocaine, crack, prescriptions pills ..
He wanted to get rich the easy way .. look at where it got him ... behind bars! ... I'm also behind bars .. I can't shake off the guilt .. don't want to feel and be happy .. I can't move on ... my husband doesn't understand the way I feel ... I miss him so very much .. that I"m in pain ... living .. breathing takes a huge effort on my part .. Most days when I go to work .. I put on my "happy" face on ... but my heart is so heavy with sorrow ...
I dread his sentencing .. will it be 2? 5? 8 years? .. dunno .. but my life is on hold until the day he comes out .. and I even dread that day .. what will be out there for him? ...
so much sadness
Just like you, I am waiting for my son to be sentenced . 3 months in jail already. It feels like an eternity. Trying to keep life at home normal for my 2 teenage daughters. Trying to keep my son from falling down the deep end while he is in jail. Trying to keep my marriage from falling apart. If there is anything left , trying to keep myself from drowning in pain and sadness everyday.
Like you I dread the day he will come home. I feel ashamed to say that because it should be the most wonderful day, but it scares me. My son was diagnosed Bi-polar. He has a life long struggle in front of him when he gets out. How will I keep him from getting in trouble again?
I am really sorry for your pain and I don't know how to help you. I can only tell you that I really understand you. Please don't blame yourself though. That can only weight you down. You are a terrific mom because you ache for him so much.
If you need to talk more, I will be there.