I am familiar with being knocked back by others' comments.
I'm not sure what your mom meant by "just as well".........

I agree with your subject line---why do we keep this to ourselves?

I had a 3rd (consecutive) miscarriage in December. And I've learned by now that society is very weird about pregnancy loss.

Very weird.

I have had strange experiences. Like a neighbor sending me a Happy New Year! card with photos of her kids several days after my loss (she knew I lost the baby).

I have had people say nothing to me because apparently they have so much fear to talk about pregnancy loss.

And I have had people say stupid things to me.

I hear you ...that this is not a rant against your mom.

Maybe she meant----(not that I agree with it)-----that it's just as well that they don't know so that you don't have to engage in awkward conversations about it with them?

Maybe she meant----(not that I agree with it)---that it's just as well that they don't know because she believes that most people shouldn't know such sacred or personal information of ours?

I don't know. She would only know what she meant.

I know what you mean that it felt like your baby was being minimized.

My mom said to me a few weeks ago (when I told her I'm doing pretty good): (and this was via email):

"I'm so glad you're doing well and moving on!"

I didn't like the phrase "moving on". Because I'm not moving on --- away--- from my baby. I just meant I was doing pretty good in terms of functionality, etc.

Or my neighbor recently said to me "oh darn I was hoping they'd find out what was wrong with your baby so this wouldn't happen again!"

As if it's all about having another baby.

It wouldn't have mattered if they found out what was wrong. It doesn't bring her back.

Anyway, it's impossible to know exactly what your mom meant by "just as well".

It's possible that she meant----maybe it's good that they don't know because then you will get a breather from the topic during your visit with them.

Even though we full well know there is no breather. It doesn't matter whether people know or don't know or whether people ask or don't ask.

There aren't breathers. We still miss our babies.

Thanks for sharing your similar experiences and also the good interpretations of my mom's words. I don't think I'll ask her what she meant, but I'm sure it was just one of those accidental hurts that happen in these situations.

I just feel like we're left in this limbo situation as a society where we don't talk about so we don't know how to talk about it. We don't share because we don't want to be hurt by others reactions, and people don't know how to react because it's not been part of their experience.

I also am still in shock at finding how common these losses are. I had no idea until I myself so unexpectedly joined the sisterhood. I feel ....kind of let down.... by the women in my life, by women in general.... for not warning me? Does that make any sense? I don't really think anything could have prepared me, or made this any easier, but....maybe this is the anger part of my grieving?

Oh I totally know what you both mean about society being weird about it. I posted something on Facebook about my loss. No one except immediate family really knew about my pregnancy but I felt like I wanted to solidify that my baby existed. And I thought it would make people stop asking me "When are you guys having kids?" I get that question all the time! Of course, they don't know I'm having fertility issues. But I decided I can't handle someone asking me that right now after my mc so the Facebook post went up.

I'm in two mind sets if I should have done it now. I deleted the post because well I wasn't really getting any support from it and people didn't really know what to say. I've found that not a lot of people have the emotional capacity to deal with such sadness so they either say the wrong things, say nothing at all or just act weird.

On the flip side I am glad people will stop asking me about when I'm going to make babies. My Mum actually has been getting the brunt of the questions like people asking what happened etc. etc. Poor thing, She wishes I hadn't done it.

You know what I thought was weird about the replies on my post. Not one person said "Sorry for your loss" and I felt like that they didn't acknowledge my baby existed. That saddened me. They just kept saying things like "Hope you're okay" and I'm reading this like "Dude, of course I'm not!" But anyways, like I said at least no one will ask me about making babies. It was getting to the point where people were literally putting their hands on my stomach, rubbing it and asking if there was anything in there. If anyone does that now knowing about my mc I think I'll punch that person in the face.

It's definitely a weird place we're in. Whatever you choose to do about telling people remember you had a baby and no one can take that fact away from you.

Hi Jaydee
Sorry you had a bad experience sharing your news with your friends and family. It's so frustrating when we want our pain acknowledged and the people closer to us let us down. It's so unfair that you felt you needed to take down your post. Thank goodness we have this place to share!

Another woman who experienced a late mc at home said she wished her ob had told her what to do in case of a sudden miscarriage...I don't know. That surprised me. Resonated. My first thought was "hey you're right! They don't give you any instructions!". Hmmm...Even the OBs don't handle this well.
I know no one would thank them for those instructions and while miscarriage is common, most pregnancies will work out(hope for the future!). But I wish I'd known more before it happened.

When I had my first miscarriage I felt the same way. I spoke with a supportive friends who said "tell people. Your baby has a right to be acknowledged" so I did. I told every one that I lost my baby. The out pour I support was amazing.

People I didn't even know had miscarriages were messaging me with things like "I understand, I lost my baby too". And I thought why, why is this taboo. Why can every one fight for or against abortion but I can't speak about my baby who died naturally within me.

From that baby on I have been very out spoken about miscarriages, what to say to some one who has had one, I openly support events and I ask people to support me when it's October 15th (the national miscarriage and infant loss day). I also bought a window decal for my car with the ribbon.

We are our children's voices. Only we can make this subject non taboo. Only we can change the present and make a better future so women do not feel like they have to keep this a secret. This is a sad and horrible thing that happens to many women it shouldn't be taboo. We should feel ashamed to greive or express our sorrow. (Ok sorry off my soap box now)

We shouldn't * feel ashamed

Oh Marynova! I recently had a miscarriage and I have struggled with the same questions. I could write out a reply here, but I wrote an article that addresses this very issue. Please come and read it!

http://operationwife.com/miscarriage-misconception/

Whatever people say or do, remember that your baby's life was important. It was still your child, and that child will always be significant.

Hi ladies
I really enjoyed (if that's the right word?) reading all your stories on various peoples reactions. When I had my miscarriage I didn't know anyone who had had one and then afterwards I heard of various people, still no one I was close too, who had also had one. One was my neighbor. She is so lovely too and it was a shame she didn't come over and talk with me, it would have helped so much but I guess maybe it was still painful (though it would have been at least 25yrs ago) or maybe she just didn't want to mention it.
I can relate to you Jaydee, I was also getting a lot of people asking when we were going to have another one, some acted as if we had forgotten to have one or something. It's a shame you didn't get more support from your friends on Facebook.
Anyway I live in a small town so some people do know, and it's nice that they won't be asking 'when we are going to get on with it and have a playmate for our son' but there are still people who do make those comments. If it was just them and me I wouldn't mind saying that I had just lost a baby but it's normally in a crowd of people (which usually make me feel worse).
However I do strive to be open about my miscarriage, just so if anyone I know is having one, I'd be happy to go see them and help them where I could. I'd hate for anyone to feel alone, terrified and miserable as I was.

Becky- wow, I am just impressed by the story. I seriously can't put into words how that makes me feel. It's everything I want to say to my friends & family but could never put it together the right way. I felt so down that I never received 1 card, note,text or even asked to go for a girls date. I feel almost like they look at me like I'm the reason they lost their grandchild/niece/etc. People need to realize they have to be there to support someone that goes thru losing their child no matter what.

I will admit I was someone who didn't realize how bad a miscarriage was but I feel like sharing your story will change other peoples opinions without having to go thru the actual process themselves. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.