That is a really difficult answer. There is so much we bring emotionally into sex and that is magnified by the loss of our babies. I know for me the first time I wasn't feeling super romantic or truly in the mood, but I longed to connect with my husband and to be close to him (and I think he felt the same). My losses left me so isolated and lonely that I just wanted to be close and focused more on that intimacy then the romance or sexy aspect. Also forewarned hubby that I would probably cry so just be patient :) as far as ttc again...we just went for it as the spirit lead and tried to not let that be the only reason we made love.

I think jmommy had some very good words. This is a very hard place to be. I know we found out about our missed miscarriage and I immediately felt gross. I was so mad at my body for holding onto a dead baby that I was repulsed by myself. I'm sorry if those words are harsh, but that's how I felt and I don't tend to sugar coat things. I don't think we had sex between the week of finding out and the week we had our D&C. I wasn't afraid of the intimacy, just too mad and repulsed by my own body.

For the week after our D&C we had no sex but I'm pretty sure after our 1st week checkup and the doc had cleared us, I think we had sex that week. I can't say that I wanted the act of sex but I wanted to be close to my hubby. Plus I know that that is how he feels close to me.

I wish I could remember how long it took for me to have some interest in it, but I'm sorry I can't. Plus my libido isn't what it used to be, so I don't have a ton of interest in it as it is. We were protected for the first month as the doctor asked us to skip one cycle before trying again.

I think it's a barrier that you might have to forcefully break (at least that's how I felt). I made a conscious choice to be intimate even though I didn't really want to, but I knew it was what was best and right for my marriage. But each person is different. I think it also helped me that we used a condom, so I KNEW that this act wasn't related to making a baby. It was totally separate in my mind. And you can always stop - if you get to a point where you aren't ready then tell him and go back to cuddling.

Thank you ladies. Your insight was very helpful. I told my hubby last night that I was ok to "try" and he asked me if I was sure. I told him I don't know that I could answer that and say that I am 100% sure. It's just something I was going to have to do....pretty much like polydoly said...just try and stop if I can't. So we did and it was hard for me but I did do it. I was up front and told him not to worry about my pleasure because I didn't think I was in the right mindset to really feel that physical pleasure anyway. For me, it was more of a step I took for him and an attempt to return to some sort of normalcy in our marriage. It was nice to feel close to him. I did cry after. We, too, took precautions so getting pregnant too soon wouldn't be a concern. I haven't had my first period since the mc so I have no idea where I am in my cycle. My heart is really heavy today and I have been irritable and weepy. Each day that goes by is one day closer to my nephew and his girlfriend having their baby, weeks after I would have had mine. The thought of it brings so much anxiety and I break down. I just want to go back to the person I was and be able to openly talk to all of my family. But I know if I do that now or too soon it sends me into a complete anxiety attack. I feel so sad.

I'm sorry that you're in that position. I have two babies in my family that were due within weeks of my mc due dates and I have to say that it is crazy more difficult to handle because you have to deal with it. I don't have to talk to that girl from college who has a baby at the same time, but I do have to talk to my sister and sister-in-law. I can't hide forever. For me watching my husband holding her for the first time I wanted to explode and cry out of grief for my loss. I held her later and it was so hard. There is nothing that makes it easier and ok. You lost your baby. People just expect you to deal especially our families. Your feelings are real and valid. But like we said we can't disappear or hide forever. We eventually need to face them. So I have tried to work through the difficulty. I can't make my sister or her baby disappear. I don't want them to know this pain I'm in either (despite my anger at times that wishes for everyone to know exactly what I'm going through). My sister and this baby are not responsible for my loss. I believe strongly that my baby is well and whole in heaven and I'm just separated from them for a time. So I try to breathe and pray for strength each second I'm around them and then in the privacy of my home I can cry. I was trying to think what benefits might come from two babies the same age as my lost ones and I was thinking that ill always know how big they'd be or what they'd be doing. Sometimes that works but other times it makes it crazy painful. Also every person has trials and struggles and will eventually know grief, pain and loss. That is something we all have in common as humans. We don't get to decide which cup we have but we all do have one. Not sure this is of much help, but some of these thoughts have made visits and phone calls easier.

After the first loss, I don't think I had a chance to think or act in this area as DH had left for work (overseas).
I remember wanting to feel close to DH almost soon after the D&C of the second mc, though. And it was good, because that helped us come together and feel secure in each other's arms. But we had a lot going on outside of us, which was affecting us in a big way!
This time, I want to get close but I've been having spotting and now, light bleeding post D&C, that I feel I'm still not out of 'it'.
I do remember feeling disconnected and cold when we were TTC after the second loss. All the stress and anxiety of mcs definitely affect intimacy, as we women, put in so much more emotional energy than our men.
I think it helps when you shift focus, off the losses and on your relationship and decide that you truly want to enjoy initimacy with the man who loves you, whom you love and who has also lost his babies!