I like the reference to the block of chocolate :) I have worked my way through a lot of extra foods these last couple months after our most recent miscarriage.

I can relate very much to how you are feeling about your friends. And how you have to see her on a daily basis because of school and because you live nearby.

The closest I can come to that experience is in December I was having my hair cut and I was only 5 weeks pregnant at the time. And I've known my hair stylist for a decade. So i told her the good news. She was so excited and said "Dana is too!" (Dana is apparently the receptionist who was sitting a few feet away from us.)

I was a little surprised that she would announce my pregnant to someone else and that she felt it was ok to talk about Dana's early pregnancy. But my assumption is obviously Dana must be very open about it.

Anyway, so I go to check out. And I talk to Dana for a bit. I really don't know this woman at all. She has a 4 year old. I have an 8 year old. I felt compelled to tell her that I've had two miscarriages earlier that year...and that I'm nervous.

I could tell that she's probably never had a miscarriage. She seemed naive about the whole thing. I don't mean that as a slam. She just seemed like this kind of loss had never occurred to her.

And she said excitedly: "We're going to be wearing maternity clothes in the summer!"

I felt a pang in my heart when she said that...not because I had any sort of instinct about my pregnancy (that it wouldn't go well) but because my prior losses had left me paralyzed with fear and the reality that we never know what tomorrow holds.

3 weeks later I had a miscarriage.

3 weeks after that when I went back for another hair appt...I was dreading seeing Dana. I thought how am I going to face this woman whose pregnancy is right on track with mine? And every time I come in there I'm going to see her growing belly and see exactly where I should have been.

I avoided eye contact with her when I walked in.

When I was getting my hair highlighted, Erin (my hair stylist) said to me "I"m so sorry about the baby." (My husband had told her about the loss when he was there a couple weeks earlier.)

She was very compassionate. And then she said "The same thing happened to Dana."

I was so shocked and saddened for Dana. I was absolutely not expecting to hear this.

I admit there was some guilt as well....because in addition to feeling shock and sadness for her and never wishing loss on someone.....I felt relief from a self-centered point of view that I wasn't going to have to see a "date aligned" pregnancy grow right before my eyes every time I went in there.

I feel like a criminal for even writing this. To say that there was some relief. I don't feel relief that her baby died. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I just felt relief for me that I wouldn't have to through this added emotional challenge.

Even still, I feel awkward when I see her. Because I wonder if she knows about me? And I feel sort of awkward that I know about her. Because I dont' even know this woman. And neither of us has said anything about our losses to each other.

All this to say I can understand how difficult that is to see your friend. It's not mean at all to not want to be around her..........it doesn't speak to who you are as a person. It doesn't speak to how you feel about her as a person.

It speaks to the situation of pregnancy loss. And that you feel you are seeing before your eyes (when you see her) what you should be seeing when you look in the mirror.

I have a friend who had a miscarriage and her neighbor's pregnancy was date aligned with hers. And she said it was so difficult to see her every day through that pregnancy. And to watch that woman's son grow up as a reminder of how old her child should be too.

Please don't judge yourself for these feelings. Just accept them as completely understandable. And don't fight them. And just let them happen.

I'm assuming you will see her less when the school year is over?....and that will give you a little bit of reprieve from that situation.

I too always heard "more fertile after a miscarriage". I don't believe it at all. I did get pregnant 3 months into TTC after our first miscarriage. But after our second miscarriage it took me 8 months to get pregnant again. Which resulted in a 3rd miscarriage.

Most women do not have recurrent miscarriages like this. So please don't think this will happen to you.

I'm just trying to show how this thing about "more fertile after a miscarriage or after a D&C" has not proved to be particularly true for me.

Each time I thought I would get pregnant within a month of TTC and it did not happen. But that doesn't mean it will never happen.

I can very much relate to the roller coaster ride. It's a tangle of emotions of grieving the baby we lost.....desperately wanting to get pregnant again.....and then finding out you're not pregnant only to feel the grief rekindled all the more.

Right now we are on hiatus from TTC. Trying to emotionally recover from our loss in December.

And it's undecided if we will TTC again. But if we do, I am vowing to myself to stay in the present moment as I've been living these last 3 months. Focus on what is. What I do have.

And not let my every emotion and feeling of contentedness ride on whether a period shows up at the end of the month.

This all sounds ideal right now....whether I will be able to put it into practice is another story.

But it's a roller coaster ride I'm not eager to get back on. The emotions end of it.

We create so much suffering for ourselves when we want to have control over something that we simply don't have control over.

I hope this isn't too bold of me to say....but I am only speaking from my own experience.....that I think it's important to step back....and give yourself more time to heal........and to truly connect to what is in your life right now. And to know that you are OK no matter what happens.

I say this from experience. Because I think some undercurrent that runs through me when I am TTC is "this must happen" or "I will not be at peace until this happens" or "I will fall apart if this doesn't happen".

It compounds the disappointment so much.

I have found Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now and A New Earth books to be so helpful in terms of staying in my body...not in my head....and being able to be at peace with the present moment regardless of what it does or doesn't contain.

I am not speaking from some sort of plane of expertise on this. It's a constant work in progress.

I am speaking more from 3-1/2 years of this insane TTC emotional roller coaster ride...........and how much it has impacted my quality of life.

Thinking of you.

thanks for your reply SoMuchHoping. And I can understand about your feelings about Dana, not so much that she lost her baby but not having to watch another pregnancy and maybe another person who might understand you a bit more.

Im not even supposed to be TTC at the moment and just 'rolling with it' as my husband would say but I can't help it really.

Hope you have a good weekend and enjoy some lovely moments with your family.

Stepbystep123,

I can relate to so many of your feelings, having lost my son at almost 20 weeks in December and seven women at work being pregnant and I was #8 on our floor, and one of them was a good friend. I had been driving my little proverbial pregnancy car, finally, after 4 years, along with other women and then suddenly my car stalled and they got to go on and leave me frozen on the road. I want to try again, and we did this last month, but since grief is such a roller coaster ride, I sometimes want to wait, just so I can fall apart without worrying about the next baby having a stressed mom. It's also because, like all of us, I want another baby, and I want the hope of a future as a mom. But sometimes I wonder if we need to just let ourselves be where we are right now. That's hard to do whether your trying again or not trying again when you want something badly. I guess all I am trying to say is that sometimes you feel like trying and sometimes you don't because of fear or emotions at that moment, and like others have said, just be gentle with yourself.

I agree WillsMum. I wasn't sure about trying for another baby for a while but once I felt better I really wanted to go for it. Part of me wants to take a break from checking if I was ovulating-trying to time things right-then waiting half a month to find out- routine. My husband just wants to roll with it and see what happens but I've gotten to a point where I'm determined again. And I'm pregnant again I might feel better about all the pregnancies around me.

I do feel for you being that much further along when you lost your baby. You think you are in the safe zone once you get past the first 12wks. Now I think it's a miracle if anyone has a healthy baby.
Maybe just take things casually in the baby making dept and see what happens until you feel better emotionally? All the best!!!