Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
Hello Everyone,
Not sure if this is the right spot to post this...but I thought I'd try it...hoping someone else has been in a similar situation...just hoping to find some support and encouragement in the midst of all of my anguish.
I recently suffered my third consecutive miscarriage in February 2012...all three first trimester. I'm finally getting some testing done and so far everything has come back normal, but still waiting on some other tests as well. I should also mention that about two weeks after this last miscarriage, we had to move into the homeless shelter (my first time) where they separated me and my BF. I've also recently admitted and started talking about how I was molested by my oldest brother for two years from 5-7years old.
It's now been 4 months since the last miscarraige (February 2012). But, starting in April I began drinking a lot and acting out when I was drunk, starting pointless arguments with my BF, taking off walking by myself, and even throwing both of our phones in the fire. That's not like me...I'm not that girl who gets bitchy when she's drinking. I mean, sure, I've had my bad nights but that's not something regular for me. I feel so shocked and disappointed in myself. Why I have been doing this? But, of all these drunken anger incidents the worst was when I was driving drunk with my BF sleeping in the passenger and...I fell asleep at the wheel! Not just dozed off, but actually fell asleep. It felt like forever! When I woke up I had already crossed over into the incoming traffic lane and was on the gravel about to hit a mailbox! I quickly looked in my rear view mirror and tried to swerve back into the correct lane but this woke my BF up and just as I swerved to the right, he quickly grabbed the wheel and swerved the car to the left and we went fish-tailing into a ditch and somebody's front yard. Thankfully, there were not any other cars on the road, I didn't damage anything,and my BF and I were not hurt...but it was so close. Then after we got back on the road...it didn't help the my BF told me that I could've killed him and that his 8 year old son wouldn't have had a dad anymore...I felt/feel so horrible. I coulda hit someone with kids in the car and killed them?!?!?!
So, now about three/four weeks ago I started having anxiety/panic attacks at work, getting suicidal, and having the worst, most intrusive thoughts about harming (killing) others and myself. It's never anything specific or detailed and it's with random people, sometimes even my loved ones...It's so horrible. And it's obviously nothing that I want to act on or feel the urge to do, which is why I feel SOOO HORRIBLE. I can't take it anymore. I feel like if I lost control or for some reason thought it was okay to do what I did when I was drunk, what else am I going to think it's okay to do??? It's like I can't trust myself anymore. I feel like after the first few anxiety/panic attacks...I've had this huge fear of losing control or going crazy...like I started thinking, "What if I lose control and start hurting people and think it's okay?" I feel like I'm going crazy. Every morning I wake up and that intense feeling is just there...I feel so out of control. I usually fight the guilty, shameful feeling off by about noon or so but I still have my moments.
I recently got into see a therapist and finally got a small prescription for Zoloft, so I've been able to feel better most of the days...but I don't want to be on Anti-depressants all my life and I don't want to HAVE to be on Anti-depressants just to be myself. I've been talking with a miscarriage counselor as well and she believes that a lot of the things I've described sound very similar to Post Partum Depression...I'm assuming that since I don't actually have my own child that my angry thoughts of hurting, killing people is being directed toward everyone else??? I feel like I'm thinking of all the worst things in the world and labeling myself as those things (killing people or myself). I feel so disconnected! This isn't me! I've never had these thoughts before! It's so frustrating and scary!
I just want this feeling to go away. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND MY BF VERY MUCH! I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HARM THEM OR ANYONE ELSE! I still want my own family! But, on top of it all, I have 5 family members on my dad's side who tried to kill themselves and 3 of 5 did. Just because it's in my family...does that meant that's what I'll do or what I'll become? That's not me! I know better than that! I dont' actually want to kill myself but I just want this emotional anguish to end! I want to be myself again! Everyone I've talked to says this is just depressiona and that negative thoughts are a part of depression.
So, I'm really hoping that SOMEONE on here can at least relate to what I'm going through. I'd like to say sorry to everyone on here who is dealing with these emotional ups and downs. My thoughts and prayers are with you all! Any comments would be very appreciative right now.
Not sure if this is the right spot to post this...but I thought I'd try it...hoping someone else has been in a similar situation...just hoping to find some support and encouragement in the midst of all of my anguish.
I recently suffered my third consecutive miscarriage in February 2012...all three first trimester. I'm finally getting some testing done and so far everything has come back normal, but still waiting on some other tests as well. I should also mention that about two weeks after this last miscarriage, we had to move into the homeless shelter (my first time) where they separated me and my BF. I've also recently admitted and started talking about how I was molested by my oldest brother for two years from 5-7years old.
It's now been 4 months since the last miscarraige (February 2012). But, starting in April I began drinking a lot and acting out when I was drunk, starting pointless arguments with my BF, taking off walking by myself, and even throwing both of our phones in the fire. That's not like me...I'm not that girl who gets bitchy when she's drinking. I mean, sure, I've had my bad nights but that's not something regular for me. I feel so shocked and disappointed in myself. Why I have been doing this? But, of all these drunken anger incidents the worst was when I was driving drunk with my BF sleeping in the passenger and...I fell asleep at the wheel! Not just dozed off, but actually fell asleep. It felt like forever! When I woke up I had already crossed over into the incoming traffic lane and was on the gravel about to hit a mailbox! I quickly looked in my rear view mirror and tried to swerve back into the correct lane but this woke my BF up and just as I swerved to the right, he quickly grabbed the wheel and swerved the car to the left and we went fish-tailing into a ditch and somebody's front yard. Thankfully, there were not any other cars on the road, I didn't damage anything,and my BF and I were not hurt...but it was so close. Then after we got back on the road...it didn't help the my BF told me that I could've killed him and that his 8 year old son wouldn't have had a dad anymore...I felt/feel so horrible. I coulda hit someone with kids in the car and killed them?!?!?!
So, now about three/four weeks ago I started having anxiety/panic attacks at work, getting suicidal, and having the worst, most intrusive thoughts about harming (killing) others and myself. It's never anything specific or detailed and it's with random people, sometimes even my loved ones...It's so horrible. And it's obviously nothing that I want to act on or feel the urge to do, which is why I feel SOOO HORRIBLE. I can't take it anymore. I feel like if I lost control or for some reason thought it was okay to do what I did when I was drunk, what else am I going to think it's okay to do??? It's like I can't trust myself anymore. I feel like after the first few anxiety/panic attacks...I've had this huge fear of losing control or going crazy...like I started thinking, "What if I lose control and start hurting people and think it's okay?" I feel like I'm going crazy. Every morning I wake up and that intense feeling is just there...I feel so out of control. I usually fight the guilty, shameful feeling off by about noon or so but I still have my moments.
I recently got into see a therapist and finally got a small prescription for Zoloft, so I've been able to feel better most of the days...but I don't want to be on Anti-depressants all my life and I don't want to HAVE to be on Anti-depressants just to be myself. I've been talking with a miscarriage counselor as well and she believes that a lot of the things I've described sound very similar to Post Partum Depression...I'm assuming that since I don't actually have my own child that my angry thoughts of hurting, killing people is being directed toward everyone else??? I feel like I'm thinking of all the worst things in the world and labeling myself as those things (killing people or myself). I feel so disconnected! This isn't me! I've never had these thoughts before! It's so frustrating and scary!
I just want this feeling to go away. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND MY BF VERY MUCH! I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HARM THEM OR ANYONE ELSE! I still want my own family! But, on top of it all, I have 5 family members on my dad's side who tried to kill themselves and 3 of 5 did. Just because it's in my family...does that meant that's what I'll do or what I'll become? That's not me! I know better than that! I dont' actually want to kill myself but I just want this emotional anguish to end! I want to be myself again! Everyone I've talked to says this is just depressiona and that negative thoughts are a part of depression.
So, I'm really hoping that SOMEONE on here can at least relate to what I'm going through. I'd like to say sorry to everyone on here who is dealing with these emotional ups and downs. My thoughts and prayers are with you all! Any comments would be very appreciative right now.
the counseling you are getting is probably the single most important thing you can do for yourself. no one else has been thru what you have, and we all have our own issues. i read your story, and i definitley don't have all the answers for you, but i just wanted to let you know, that if you ever want to chat, message me. im so very sorry for all that you have been thru. and ill listen anytime. hugs.
I am really sorry to hear about your painful experiences. You have amazing strenght even if you don't see it. Seems that you have had some real nasty experiences and blows in life, so don't bad.
Your a young woman who has experienced things that no woman should have too, and then your miscarriages, that's just painful enough, but even more difficult dealing with 3 of them!!
It's obvious that your going to be seriously depressed and have horrible feelings and intense anger. I was really depressed after 1 miscarriage, but you had 3, so no wonder your lashing out and behaving in the way u are.
It's ur way of crying out for help and just crying out in general. Right now ur still seriously hurt, angry with the world, and depressed, plus u have emotional baggage from the past, that still haunts you and bothers you.
You really need to keep up the therapy and a few sessions a week would be required. You also need to let all your emotions pour out and have a good cry.
I believe you are punishing urself because maybe u feel that you failed in some areas, even though u have not! You couldn't have prevented the miscarriages or the abuse you suffered. I find in life that we often blame ourselves, but we shouldn't. There was nothing u could have done to prevent this from happening.
However u really need to heal urself. I would consider self help book, seeing a therpist more often and keeping busy with maybe a course and being with supportive friends.
You can move on in life and put the past to bed once you heal urself and effectively managed ur emotions and when u have a bad day, arrange a dinner with a friend and take ur mind away from it.
In regards to ur miscarriages, get some testing done when ur ready or able too, it doesn't mean u can't have children, u might just need alittle help, such as taking certain vitamins or tablets. Don't feel that it wont happen.... loads of ladies on this site have had some problems and they have been helped out.
I know it's hard but don't let this beat you, ur strong and u can make a success of ur life. Ok u have made mistakes ( we all have made mistakes) and u might be in a bad place/situation right now, but u can claim ur life back and make urself proud.
Don't worry about the bad thought, ur just angry and emotional. It's ur way of lashing out and dealing with ur pain. U obviously know it's wrong and u dislike the bad thought, so i feel confident that ur just annoyed and ur not a mad person. A mad person does not see he is bad, they enjoy evil things, but you don't!! Your just depressed and u need supportive, that's all.
Yes u do need help to address ur emotional and if u feel that ur thought/emotions are getting out of control, then u need to see a doctor and get help. However, in my opinion, u have not reached this stage, ur not mad or a bad person at all. Far from it.
You sound like a beautiful woman with a good heart and u are intelligent, regardless of any past mistakes. We all make mistakes, but u seem intelligent enough to learn from this.
Please give up the drink, u don't need that, and get urself housed in a nice area and move on successfully with ur life.
WISH YOU SO MUCH LUCK AND HAPPINESS :-)
I've been on Zoloft now for about a week and a half and it really seems to be helping...way more than I thought it would. And it's a small prescription, 50 mg or half a pill. So, I'm hoping with the continued therapy I won't need to be on the prescription for too long.
I was looking up some of symptoms and I believe this is either PostPartum Depression or PostPart OCD-Fear of Hurting People...due to an imbalance of horomones. I didn't know that there are several things you can come down with after a pregnancy besides PostPartum Depression...there's PPOCD and PTSD. I haven't actually been diagnosed with anything yet...as my appointment with my regular doctor is this week Wednesday...so I'm hoping then...I will have a more definite answer. It's also a comfort to know that this (depression) is treatable and is not life long issue. I thought I was going crazy and things would be like this forever.
Thanks again ladies...for your words of encouragement and comfort.
I do not like your a bad person or "crazy". You just been through some horrible circumstances and anyone in your same postion would be feeling depressed.
Keep taking the meds, seeing your therapist, communicate with your BF (He may be hurting too), talk to friend and a support group.
I wish you luck, happiness, love and everything you want out of life. I'm sure you deserve it. :-)