I was looking for some information on anxiety for a course assignment, and I stumbled upon this website. Of course, I selected many groups to join. As I read some of the posts, I began to feel so sad. I just laid in bed this morning and thought, “Wow, my baby would have been going on 14 years old next month if he was still alive.” Ironically, this would have been my sixth pregnancy. My first five were by one father. The sixth and seventh pregnancies were by a man who I thought loved me and cared for me. I do not know what was the most traumatic for me. Crying about a miscarriage a month before I actually got pregnant, getting falsely accused of getting pregnant on purpose, arguing with the expected father every single morning, noonday, evening, and midnight, or losing my baby outside of the hospital room of his grandmother. My pregnancy was a very rough one at the beginning. I had extreme nausea and morning sickness in comparison to my first five pregnancies. I could not stomach any restroom odors at work or any loud food scents at home. I vomited harshly. For some reason, I was so scared to tell my father. Even though I was 33 years old at the time, I think it was the fact that he had told me that it was not a good idea to be pregnant at that time. In addition, I had told the expecting father about my pregnancy. I still had sexual intercourse with him and had noticed the light spotting, but I kept going on to work. I knew I was indeed pregnant because a co-worker identified a glow in my face. I really wanted this baby too. The events leading up to the miscarriage consisted of several factors. I was at a family function and was asked to bring the cans of Pepsi home. I knew about my pregnancy and do not know why I attempted to lift the bucket by myself without asking anyone to do it for me. I felt the pull, but I had the confidence that this baby would stay implanted. I had stood up awake all night on that Friday, but I believed this baby would stay like the others. I stood on my feet a lot all day to help my brother-in-law barbecue, but I believed this baby would stay like the others. I felt the lower pain in my back, but I thought it was because I needed the rest. In between time, the expecting father was calling me and falsely accusing my child of being another man’s who lied and said he had intercourse with me. This man was jealous of our relationship and knew he could get into the expecting father’s head and cause doubt. I’m faithful and would have never done anything like that. In hindsight, I know I did not have to defend myself. I was faithful to him and only him. Yet, I found myself arguing with him. I specifically told him that the only way I was going to have an abortion was through “spontaneous abortion”. Oh, wow... I know the power of speaking words now. I had a dream about having sex with an angel. When he removed himself from me, I felt a poke with a sharp pain instantly. I went to the restroom and a grey matter dispelled from my body with blood. I endured a lot of pain, cramps, and blood clots. When I told the expecting father I suspected a miscarriage, he said things that really angered me. As soon as I tensed up and yelled into the phone, I felt a hush of extremely warm blood flow, which filled up my entire pad. I stayed off the phone after that. I did not know what to do. I had two elder females on both of my phone lines talking to them until they finally convinced me to go to the hospital. I cried the whole entire time and asked the LORD why couldn’t this child stay like the others. I had my previous five children out of wedlock, and I couldn't understand why this one had to leave my body. Most importantly, why did this baby have to leave me on Memorial’s Day? Why was Memorial’s Day so important? What lesson did I have to remember about this Memorial’s Day and my miscarriage? This was my very first one. They tried to tell me that I had a blight or “empty” pregnancy, but I knew better. My levels were still high after several weeks. A pregnancy test proved that I was pregnant, but the ultra sound proved that I was no longer pregnant. IT WAS SO UNFAIR. There was no way I could grab my discharge from the toilet. No matter how much I wanted to pray for the bleeding to stop, I didn’t. Somehow, I felt like this was happening to me because I did declare my next child would be by my husband, and I wasn’t married before I got pregnant. I took it all in: the pain, the cramps, the fever, and all - outside of the expecting father’s mother’s hospital room. Amazingly, she recognized me. I was so hurt because he never came to see his mother in the hospital. I never had an official chance to meet her. For if he had came to visit her, he would have seen me RIGHT OUTSIDE HER ROOM. I blamed myself for awhile. It was very difficult for me to hold other innocent babies for after that. One day, I prayed and asked GOD to show me my baby in a dream. He was an oversized healthy baby boy crawling around fast in a blue velvet sweat suit. Every time II asked him to crawl to me, he would laugh and crawl faster. I could not catch him, so I finally said, “Mommy loves you baby.” Then, I woke up satisfied. The pain and sorrow left my heart. He was expected to be born on 12/22/2004, but my body discharged him on May 31, 2004. I had to deliver the remainder of the substance in my womb as if I was having a live labor, delivery, and birth. His grandmother died on 12/20/2004 the same year. So, I do not know if this is a bitter sweet situation, but I think about him often. I believe I may have been pregnant this year and lost the baby in July 2018, which would have been my second miscarriage. My symptoms were similar to my first pregnancy by the same expecting father: hypersensitivity to loud scents and odors, strange cravings, and nausea. I do not know if these symptoms were so strong in pregnancy by this man because of any medical reasons he may have had, but I lost this one too after arguing with him. Even though I knew what was going on, I couln’t stop it. I don’t think anyone should get blamed for a pregnancy, especially if birth control was used. Nevertheless, I no longer talk to this man that would have been the father of my sixth and seventh pregnancy. He disassociated himself from me after I shared my suspicion about another pregnancy. He thought I was trying to trap him AFTER 15 years. Wow... After two miscarriages, I am concerned about trying again. Even though I desire to have one more, I’ve had a dream about having a baby with Down Syndrome. This is one of the things the expecting father and is always argued about. Him: “You’re too old!” Me: “No I’m not.” Him: “You can have a baby with Down syndrome or some other birth defects because of your age.” I was not trying to get pregnant on purpose. The first time he didn’t use protection, and I had learned that I was over the 198 pounds limit with Depo Provera by two pounds. The second time, he used a condom, which would have slipped off completely if I had not stopped and asked him to check it for me. After my miscarriage, we went almost 14 years without another pregnancy. I contacted him and only shared my suspicions because the symptoms were similar like the sixth pregnancy, and my period was late by 50+ days. I am 48 years old now, and I don’t know if I will be able to maintain the responsibility of being a single parent again, especially after I raised my fifth child by myself. I hurt for all the expecting mothers who have recently experienced a miscarriage or more than one. It is not your fault. I encourage you to do research on natural alternatives to heal and restore your body. This worked for my cousin and my son’s girlfriend. I would have never imagined having miscarriages after arguing with the expecting father. But my two miscarriages and the one miscarriage that my first children’s father had with another woman resulted after arguing. I tried to prevent theirs by sending a message to the expecting mother, but they kept arguing anyway.  In these three instances, arguing with the expecting fathers is proof that miscarriages can happen. I do not know why it happened in all three cases, but I no longer blame myself. I just remember him when it gets close to May 31 and December 22, respectively. I can’t tell you if I would have felt any better to have him stillborn and had the chance to hold him, or have him born, live a couple of months, and then died. I think if I had the chance to choose, I prefer the way it happened. I will never have the chance to smell his scent, feel his warm body against mine, or watch him grow. I have a niece who I have held and watch grow, but it is not the same. You want your win child and do not understand why your body released your baby prematurely. However, I would encourage any mother DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE BABY’S FATHER. A woman never knows what the excruciating pain feels like of having a miscarriage until she has her own. No one can ever tell me they understand my pain. For the record, stop telling women that these things happen for a reason. We don’t want to hear that.