Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
I miscarried my first pregnancy just over three months ago. Today I realized that I think I'm suffering from a depression.
I don't often feel like I'm still grieving the loss of our baby. Each time I bleed (I've had three periods since the miscarriage), I sob uncontrollably and feel traumatized and sad about the loss. But the rest of the month, I don't think about it.
I am, however, in a pretty major depression.
Because it doesn't seem to be linked to feelings of bereavement, I think it's hormonal and/or chemical in nature. I think it's a biochemical problem and I don't know how to shake it.
I had one major depressive episode about 17 years ago and that is what this feels like. It's like living underwater. Everything feels diluted and lifeless. I don't perceive the world like my usual self does. It's all distorted.
I have intense anxiety and have a meltdown about once a week. I'm hyper, hyper sensitive to any perceived rejection by my husband. No matter how much he reassures me, I'm convinced that I'm a failure, that my body is a failure, that he's going to tire of me and find another woman, that I'm no fun anymore, that there's something wrong with me, that our life is going to fall apart.
I dread the breakup of our relationship and keep expecting it to happen. He sighs such heavy sighs (because he doesn't know how to help me and feels challenged by me), and I sink right back down into feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless. I think he should leave me because I'm not the happy, loving wife he married (or that he wants). And I also feel completely devastated at the thought of him leaving. He's my best friend. But I don't know who I am. I'm not the happy person I used to be.
There are many circumstances contributing, as well. Financial, interpersonal, work-related. So many major changes happened in our life this past year. My husband doesn't work, I lost my job and started a new one that pays half as much. I work around people who are completely down and out (mentally ill, economically depressed, etc). We got pregnant, had a miscarriage, moved twice.
I will not take meds. Not antidepressants, anyway. I am trying to do it naturally with tryptophan, B vitamins, and other supplements. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm concerned it might be hormonal and I don't know how to rebalance that.
I don't often feel like I'm still grieving the loss of our baby. Each time I bleed (I've had three periods since the miscarriage), I sob uncontrollably and feel traumatized and sad about the loss. But the rest of the month, I don't think about it.
I am, however, in a pretty major depression.
Because it doesn't seem to be linked to feelings of bereavement, I think it's hormonal and/or chemical in nature. I think it's a biochemical problem and I don't know how to shake it.
I had one major depressive episode about 17 years ago and that is what this feels like. It's like living underwater. Everything feels diluted and lifeless. I don't perceive the world like my usual self does. It's all distorted.
I have intense anxiety and have a meltdown about once a week. I'm hyper, hyper sensitive to any perceived rejection by my husband. No matter how much he reassures me, I'm convinced that I'm a failure, that my body is a failure, that he's going to tire of me and find another woman, that I'm no fun anymore, that there's something wrong with me, that our life is going to fall apart.
I dread the breakup of our relationship and keep expecting it to happen. He sighs such heavy sighs (because he doesn't know how to help me and feels challenged by me), and I sink right back down into feeling helpless, hopeless, and worthless. I think he should leave me because I'm not the happy, loving wife he married (or that he wants). And I also feel completely devastated at the thought of him leaving. He's my best friend. But I don't know who I am. I'm not the happy person I used to be.
There are many circumstances contributing, as well. Financial, interpersonal, work-related. So many major changes happened in our life this past year. My husband doesn't work, I lost my job and started a new one that pays half as much. I work around people who are completely down and out (mentally ill, economically depressed, etc). We got pregnant, had a miscarriage, moved twice.
I will not take meds. Not antidepressants, anyway. I am trying to do it naturally with tryptophan, B vitamins, and other supplements. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm concerned it might be hormonal and I don't know how to rebalance that.
I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering so much.
It sounds like you have had a lot of major life changes.
I want to say that it is normal to feel how you are feeling....it is normal to feel sad with every period. They are reminders of the loss.
I'm hoping that your supplements prove useful. I admire that you are going the non-medication route. (spoken from someone who tried many remedies but eventually resorted to medication many years ago)
I'm hoping yours prove to be very useful.
Trying to think if there are any other suggestions....do you know of any integrative medicine drs. near you? They are MDs but they have a different approach and test for things that most Western drs. do not.
Usually through them or some other alternative health care practitioner, you could get a saliva hormone test done. It's something that you do at home. They give you a kit. And you spit saliva into specific test tubes at specific times of day (and freeze them until you are ready to ship them all together to the lab. And from there they can get a much more accurate assessment of your hormone levels than a blood test can.
Unfortunately, most insurance companies don't cover this.
Still thought I'd mention it since you have concern that your hormone levels are off. It can test for estradiol, progesterone, dha, cortisol, etc.
Blood levels fluctuate throughout the day many times. So the saliva test can be a lot more precise.
Also, is there a therapist you could seek out to help you work through your grief and depression?
It can be so helpful to have a third party to talk to. To have that golden hour once a week or more to have someone to talk to who can provide compassion and also provide guidance in navigating this storm.
Other things I can think of are acupuncture. I have found acupuncture to be incredibly relaxing and emotionally balancing for me.
I have also been on Chinese herbs (from a certified herbalist) for 3 years. It has helped a lot with my endometriosis and made my PMS non-existent.
At the same time, know that your feeilngs are normal. It has only been three months.
I had 3 miscarriages and with each one it took a lot of time before I felt I had solid footing again.
It sounds like you are experiencing such painful fears in regards to your security in your relationship with your husband.
Sometimes loss can trigger fear of more loss in our lives.
Also, for a woman, sometimes the loss of a child can leave a woman erroneously believing that she is inadequate and can make her start to question herself.
So while it's rather "normal" to be experiencing the broad range of what you are experiencing......it would probably be helpful to have someone to talk to.
I can understand why your husband might feel exasperated at times.
Simultaneously I can understand and respect how very real these feelings and fear are for you and that you don't have control over them.
When I read your words....I feel it is the depression speaking when you say "I think he should leave me" or "I'm a failure" or "My body is a failure"
This isn't the real essence of you speaking.
This is the voice of depression masking your true self.
And there is hope for depression. And grief is very real after loss of a child and depression can often follow from that.
I would very lovingly and kindly urge you to find a therapist who feels like a good fit for you...someone you can trust...someone who can help you navigate through these difficulties.
I know you will come through this in the end. You have been through a significant loss and a lot of other life change....it is not uncommon, albeit, painful, to end up in a state of depression.
Thinking of you.