Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
I got raped, which is the main reason I lost my baby...
My boyfriend knows about the baby I was supposed to have... It wasn't his. I didn't even know him at that time... but anyway, he hates the father of the baby... we don't even bring up his name in conversations.... We got in a fight a while back... I was blaming him for things and he told me i wasnt going to turn it around on him...then he said "You were fuckin pregnant by the lowest piece of shit on earth and you thought it would be a good idea to hide it from me" then he said it was probably me popping pills that killed the baby and if i ever popped another pill again he'd be done with me because he'd be goddamned if he'd take a chance of losing his kid cause its mother was a pill head...RIGHT after that he started crying and saying he didn't mean a word of it... I told him he was probably right, and he said it wasn't my fault, that I couldnt help it... He said ever since I told him about it, he felt like it was HIS kid..and that he could never understand, but he has cried every single night over it since i told him..... I've been having dreams of a little boy.. (which is what i was supposed to have)... I watch my nephew all the time, my sister doesn't take great care of him... I see moms with their kids... I know if the baby would have lived, i wouldnt have met my boyfriend... but there's still that feeling that I lost something... Maybe I lost him because i was SUPPOSED to meet my boyfriend, he got me off the pills and drinking and has stopped me cutting, he even makes me get better grades and i have a job.... But when I start to miss the baby, I push the thoughts out of my mind... I dont tell my boyfriend whats bothering me....i dont want to hurt him or make him mad because i miss a kid that was his worst enemys... i dont know how to talk to him without making him upset, or feel like he isnt good enough... thats not the case at all... but i dunno how he'll feel. :/
My boyfriend knows about the baby I was supposed to have... It wasn't his. I didn't even know him at that time... but anyway, he hates the father of the baby... we don't even bring up his name in conversations.... We got in a fight a while back... I was blaming him for things and he told me i wasnt going to turn it around on him...then he said "You were fuckin pregnant by the lowest piece of shit on earth and you thought it would be a good idea to hide it from me" then he said it was probably me popping pills that killed the baby and if i ever popped another pill again he'd be done with me because he'd be goddamned if he'd take a chance of losing his kid cause its mother was a pill head...RIGHT after that he started crying and saying he didn't mean a word of it... I told him he was probably right, and he said it wasn't my fault, that I couldnt help it... He said ever since I told him about it, he felt like it was HIS kid..and that he could never understand, but he has cried every single night over it since i told him..... I've been having dreams of a little boy.. (which is what i was supposed to have)... I watch my nephew all the time, my sister doesn't take great care of him... I see moms with their kids... I know if the baby would have lived, i wouldnt have met my boyfriend... but there's still that feeling that I lost something... Maybe I lost him because i was SUPPOSED to meet my boyfriend, he got me off the pills and drinking and has stopped me cutting, he even makes me get better grades and i have a job.... But when I start to miss the baby, I push the thoughts out of my mind... I dont tell my boyfriend whats bothering me....i dont want to hurt him or make him mad because i miss a kid that was his worst enemys... i dont know how to talk to him without making him upset, or feel like he isnt good enough... thats not the case at all... but i dunno how he'll feel. :/
Second - Lots of hugs for you and your boyfriend. And I do mean LOTS of hugs.
You first need to accept grief is, for starters, very selfish and yet 100% natural human act we all experience. Breathe. It is all right to be missing your baby. Your angel was not the one who hurt you, and it sounds like a part of you recognized this and loves him for being the innocent, loving being that he really is.
Counseling for you and your boyfriend feels like something you both need to consider to help you with such a complex emotional load. Loss of a child is very traumatizing to both parents. (I am considering your bf his father due to how he accepted his role as such) 80% of all parents who have faced a miscarriage, men included, grieve for life.
You need to embrace your grief. I know, it sounds like the one thing you should not do at this point. But you really need to face it. It isn't really that bad. Writing a journal, setting up a candle shrine, talking to your baby, holding a stuff animal, and other such things actually help you deal with the loss. It starts turning it from a negative into a positive experience over the years. I am speaking from experience, my oldest lost being 10 years.
I will also stress the need to eat chocolate for serotonin and jello. Jello? Why jello? Easy, the gelatin is great for not just your joints, but tissue repairs.
Being someone who was also raped, trust me, not a subject I talk about lightly, and not something I try to bring into the MC chat. I hope you have come to realize the attackers only have as much power as we give them. What they wanted was control/power/ and what ever other bullshit goal they had in order to feel 'important.' They are not only not worthy as 'men' but they are also not worth remembering once we get to a point where we know what they wanted to take from us they never got and never could take.
Now, for the way you lost your baby angel - I am going to be blunt - You had an angel come in and let you know they are there for you forever, and they love you not just as a person, but as their mother.
His leaving does not change the fact he found you to be a fantastic person who needed a great deal of support after being brutalized. He is there for you for life. Give him a strong name, I'm sure you feel he is there with you, loving you unconditionally. If anything, just like your boyfriend, he is trying to show you not all males are bad or want something from you.
Take it one step at a time, please be good to yourself, and perhaps, write on the mirror - I deserve and I am loved for who I am right now. Lots of hugs.