Hi, my name is Jenny. I'm feeling called to share my story in this community, hoping to connect with others who can empathize.

I'm 35, my husband is 32, and we have been trying to have a baby for over 3 years now. We did blood tests pretty early on and I was told by Kaiser that I have diminished ovarian reserve and that my husband's sperm count was severely low. Based on those results we had further exams for him and found that he had enlarged veins in testicles (varicocele). We had the surgery to get them removed and then his sperm count and quality started to improve quickly, so surgery was successful. About 7 months post-surgery his sperm counts were almost to a normal level, and I received my first ever positive pregnancy test. Unfortunately, it ended up being a chemical pregnancy so I went from over the moon with happiness to crushed in the same day. Two cycles later I became pregnant again, and this time at my 8 week appointment the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat and the embryo was too small for 8 weeks. She determined that it probably stopped growing around 6 weeks. It took my body 2 more weeks to miscarry naturally, and it was literally the worst two weeks of my life.

It has now been 6 months since the second pregnancy loss, and I feel like I'm struggling more and more to cope with the sadness of still being on this journey. Every time another friend gets pregnant it sends me into an emotional tailspin and I am filled with so much jealousy and anger. I have tried yoga, acupuncture, meditation, visualization, countless fertility podcasts, currently trying to find a therapist, but nothing as of yet has been able to help me deal with the pain and isolation I feel, like the only one who has had to struggle like this. I feel so left out as everyone else is building their happy families and the only thing I really want in this life is to be a mother but I can't have it. Everyone tells me "you are becoming so strong for your future child" but I feel like the opposite. That this journey is breaking me down and if/when I get pregnant again how can I ever not feel so afraid that I will miscarry again. Every other friend I know has gotten pregnant so easily and hasn't had to call anything about their life into question, just "poof" like magic they want to have a child and it instantly happens for them. I removed myself from all social media about 8 months ago, and it is the only thing that has helped a little bit. 

Is there anything else that has helped you ladies out there post-miscarriage, especially with managing the "all my friends are pregnant/have babies and not me" part? Losing steam over here...