I went off my birth control the month before my husband Andrew I got married. We wanted kids down the line and since my husband is older, I wanted to give my body plenty of time to get the hormones out of my system so we wouldn’t have trouble getting pregnant down the line. We found out we had gotten pregnant two weeks before our wedding. Two days before the wedding I lost our baby. I spent our wedding day crying, bleeding, cramping. It was devastating. Two extremely important events in my life had forever been soiled.

I started my second semester of nursing  school the next week. Over the course of our two week break I had found out I was pregnant, lost my pregnancy, and gotten married. I returned to school thinking I could cope. On our first day of orientation a classmate announced to the entire class that she found out she was pregnant over the break. She was the exact amount of weeks that I should have been. She jokingly told the class she already had 3 kids and didn’t even want this one. I cried in my car for an hour after that.

Over the course of the semester, I recieved texts from classmates saying they were worried about me. That I was no longer smiling or acting myself. I received bad clinical evaluations saying I was “distracted and unfocused”. I even had an instructor recommend I go talk to a school concelor. I’ve forgotten assignments. Showed up to wrong clinical sites. I’ve been threatened with “unsatisfactories” and being dropped from the program.

Two months later, I was hoping it would be better, but it has gotten worse. I cry every day now. I become so angry when I see pregnant women or women with children. I have so much hate and resentment that I never knew was there. Why do these women get to keep their babies when I did everything right? I try to talk to my husband about how I feel and he takes it personally, like I’m not happy with our life. I try to talk to my friends but they all have healthy children and have never miscarried. I feel so alone and angry and like a failure. A failure as a mother. A failure as a nursing student. A failure as a wife for being so unhappy.

I just needed someone to listen to my story... so thanks.