Well all week I had been in a really good mood, because Monday I got engaged! It was so exciting, and for a while I'd forgotten some of my pain surrounding my pregnancy loss. However, this morning I got an invitation to my bf's friends co-ed baby shower. All of the sudden all these emotions came flooding out. As much as I'm excited to be engaged, nothing can replace the joy I had when I found out I was pregnant, and not even engagement can take away the pain of loosing the baby. What hurts the most is the fact that no matter if I get pregnant again 20 times, I'll never have what some women have; that complete and utter ignorance to the fact that at any moment something can go terribly wrong. I miss NOT knowing all the things that can go wrong. I look at my b f's friend and she is so happy and it never even crosses her mind that even at 7 months something could happen. I hate that ill never be like that. No matter how far along I am when I'm pregnant, ill still be scared to death, and be petrified that ill find blood in my underwear every time I got to the bathroom. I feel like I'm forever a part of this awful club that nobody should ever have to join. I just hate that unlike a lot of my friends, each week of my pregnancy wont be this celebrated event, but rather one less week I'll have to hold my breath in fear. I also hate that each ultra sound wont be this thing I look forward to, but rather this time I pray to God they find a heartbeat. I just wish I could have my innocence back when it comes to pregnancy.
Posts You May Be Interested In
A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
Today is my 25th birthday, to my somewhat lack of surprise I can see already no one really seems to care. I've always been the kinda person to make sure that everyone I Care about feels appreciated and knew somebody had their back. I can count 4 times this year when I Went out of my way to make sure a "friend" felt good on their birthday, especially if they got left hanging. Its early in the...