Well all week I had been in a really good mood, because Monday I got engaged! It was so exciting, and for a while I'd forgotten some of my pain surrounding my pregnancy loss. However, this morning I got an invitation to my bf's friends co-ed baby shower. All of the sudden all these emotions came flooding out. As much as I'm excited to be engaged, nothing can replace the joy I had when I found out I was pregnant, and not even engagement can take away the pain of loosing the baby. What hurts the most is the fact that no matter if I get pregnant again 20 times, I'll never have what some women have; that complete and utter ignorance to the fact that at any moment something can go terribly wrong. I miss NOT knowing all the things that can go wrong. I look at my b f's friend and she is so happy and it never even crosses her mind that even at 7 months something could happen. I hate that ill never be like that. No matter how far along I am when I'm pregnant, ill still be scared to death, and be petrified that ill find blood in my underwear every time I got to the bathroom. I feel like I'm forever a part of this awful club that nobody should ever have to join. I just hate that unlike a lot of my friends, each week of my pregnancy wont be this celebrated event, but rather one less week I'll have to hold my breath in fear. I also hate that each ultra sound wont be this thing I look forward to, but rather this time I pray to God they find a heartbeat. I just wish I could have my innocence back when it comes to pregnancy.
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