I think my words will be inadequate...but do know you are thought of and understood. I am glad you are venting on here and expressing how you feel. It can help.

I understand the anger, frustration, envy, immense sadness....

Lately....when no one is home ...... I engage in an anger release exercise that involves a tennis racket, the ottoman and me yelling.

It helps somewhat for release.

(Strangely they say that the eyes need to remain open during this exercise...it is part of the energy release. Just thought I'd mention this in case you decide to try it.)

I can relate to the dark thoughts and feeling like you are dead and shattered inside. And it is so unfair how this process of loss and grieving and trying to heal often involves having it all coming roaring back at us as if we are at day 1 all over again.

Time and time again.

Thinking of you. You are not alone.

Thank you. I am so glad I see my counselor this week and I am glad it's an appointment where my hubby is joining me. I did not realize it was bothering him as much as it is.

I am so frustrated with my body. Why can't it hold on to a baby?

I feel like I took 10 giant steps forward and 9 giant steps back putting me right back to the emotions I felt in the days after my last miscarriage.

I will keep the tennis racket exercise in mind! Better than throwing pillows at the wall and knocking things down! lol I need to get back to the gym and exercise and take my frustrations out that way. Getting the motivation to do it is a challenge right now. I think I need a good yoga DVD to pop in at home and help me feel peaceful and centered again.

I understand your frustration. But at any age a loss is unforgettable. My boyfriend and I had only been dating for 6 months when we got pregnant with out daughter. Yes, we knew each other since 5th grade, but we still got pregnant really quick. I was on birth control, and it was quite the surprise. I was in nursing school, and working 2 jobs. it was not the right time for us. And yes, we went out with our friends and didn't always make the best choices. We were only 20 years old. But when we found out we buckled down and did what ever we needed to to provide for our baby girl. Then one night while I was working, I was swollen and not feeling good. I had one of the nurses I worked with check my blood pressure and it was sky high. By the time we got to the emergency room I was having seizures, and our daughter was gone. And all I could think was 'I'm only 20 years old. Why is this happening to me?'
So my point is, that people young and old go through loss. Yes it's frustrating, and no it's not fair. But to place anger on someone simply because of their age and their choices isn't a good way of healing. I was just like them, but I still would have made an awesome mom regardless.

mrschizzy, I understand just how you feel....

I have lost three of my pregnancies in the time that my husband's sister has gone on to get pregnant, give birth to a gorgeous boy and most recently, celebrate his 1st birthday. Each of her milestones has been around the time I have conceived and eventually lost my baby.

Seems like we're perpetually in a season of grieving, while she always has something to rejoice about. What's worse? We've had to be part of her rejoicing (husband's only sister, after all) and that has pained me no end.

My losses and her pregnancy, child's birth, christening, first birthday....have always crossed paths, and you can only imagine the crap I've had to go through.

My husband is very attached to the little boy. Somewhere I feel he misses having his own baby and so wants to see, hold and play with that boy all the time. Sometimes, I think it's plainly "uncle affection". Either ways, that child is in my face ALL the time.

Only I know how much this hurts...

Ooppss....went on about my own experiences w/o saying anything on how things can be made better for you.

I used to be a very bright and cheerful person, creative, positive and strong before these storms in my life. So, I've decided to pursue ALL those activities that made me smile and were about 'me' to start feeling good about myself. Miscarriages do much harm to our self-confidence, and to feel better we must restore that.

Spend time with a friend who can lift your spirits....talking helps a lot. Good that you're seeing your counsellor.

As much as I wish you weren't' feeling this way, I think it is so completely natural. Whether logic or unyielding faith is driving those thoughts, I think we can easily reach this human conclusion.

I'm visiting a friend this weekend who got pregnant two weeks before I did, with my first pregnancy. We were so excited to bring our babies up together, even though we now live 5 hours apart. She is one of those rare, soul mate kind of friends. She has wanted nothing more than to be a mom her entire life. Despite being wildly successful, professionally, she's had no luck in the relationship department; so she went for it with a donor. She chose to be a single mom. After many tries, paranoia over miscarrying, debilitating morning sickness, and gestational diabetes, she got her baby. And named him something you would expect from a celebrity.

It was hard, and it's different b/c I had months to prepare for the birth of her son (he came one week after my 2nd D&C). But I love him so much! I couldn't at first. But after forcing myself to look at his pictures, I can't help myself. I love him for being an extension of her and I love him for being so precious and fragile, because I know how easy it is to lose two.

Is there any way you can eventually see this baby as a part of your own? They are related. A small part of your angel baby literally lives on in your grand-niece. They're kin.

I wanted to respond to you, Motek....

I am so sorry for the loss you had when you were young. I am by no means saying that loss at any age is not devastating and traumatic. I was merely venting my frustration and heartache that my nephew and his girlfriend are still so young and the anger and disappointment I feel with their sheer irresponsibility for not being more careful. It is not as if they had been together for years, they were together only 6 months. A lifelong commitment as the LAST thing on their minds, yet whether or not they get married, they have made a lifelong commitment to a child. The very fact that my first baby that I lost in December would have been born about 3 weeks before this baby makes it excruciatingly painful for me. Every milestone this baby has, every holiday, every birthday...everything...will be a constant, in-your-face reminder to me of what MY baby would be experiencing too. I will never be able to escape it. It's not like seeing someone in public and being able to turn away because you feel the anxiety swell up. This is family, and it will always be there no matter what I do.

People have told me that I need to get back to my "routine"...to go back to the gym as often as i used to, to go walking like I used to. Slowly I am getting there, but it is still so hard.

Dayisme...I am so happy for your friend that she was able to have her baby, her rainbow from above! I am so sorry you could not share in this experience like you had hoped in the beginning. You are a brave person for taking the steps you have taken to take part in all of that. I do not think I can bring myself to see those pictures yet. It is still too painful for me. Just thinking about it...even just thinking about talking to my sister (nephew's mom), makes me feel like an anxiety attack is coming on. Knots in my stomach, heart rate increasing, breathing heavier, just that panicky feeling. One day I will be able to. I just don't know when. I haven't even been able to speak to my sister since before my last miscarriage started except over text. It is still very difficult to deal with and it is a reminder and trigger for that anxiety.