Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
At 41 years old, I never imagined I would be pregnant again. I have 12 year old twin boys. Our baby was a complete surprise. My partner's grandmother had just passed and we found out two weeks later that we were pregnant. I did everything right. I stopped drinking coffee, increased my water, fruits and vegetable intake, took my prenatal vitamins and went to every appointment. My doctor's office called to schedule an ultrasound to get a true due date for my pregnancy.
I went to my ultrasound appointment on September 21, 2015. I was anxious to see my baby on the screen and hear its heartbeat. As I lay on the table staring at the screen, I saw what the technician was afraid to tell me. There was no heartbeat. She was so quiet as she took the measurements and then she said, " I don't see a fetal heartbeat." I said, "me either". She said, "You are measuring 7 weeks and 2 days:. She told me to get dressed while she sent the information to my doctor. My doctor was amazing and said unfortunately there is no heartbeat and we need to talk next steps. I was in shock and could not verbalize how I felt while on the inside I was screaming.
I took the medicine that she prescribed and began the process of passing my pregnancy. It took one week for a part of my pregnancy to slide out of my body. On 10-01-2015 that I still had an attached placenta. At 4:30 pm on 10-01-2015, my doctor did the IPAS procedure to remove everything.
I don't understand right now why I was given such an amazing gift only to have it ripped away from me? My partner does not understand and is not talking. My sons are upset and I am devastated. This is one of the most gut wrenching and heartbreaking things that I have every had to endure. When will this hurt lessen and my tears slow?
I went to my ultrasound appointment on September 21, 2015. I was anxious to see my baby on the screen and hear its heartbeat. As I lay on the table staring at the screen, I saw what the technician was afraid to tell me. There was no heartbeat. She was so quiet as she took the measurements and then she said, " I don't see a fetal heartbeat." I said, "me either". She said, "You are measuring 7 weeks and 2 days:. She told me to get dressed while she sent the information to my doctor. My doctor was amazing and said unfortunately there is no heartbeat and we need to talk next steps. I was in shock and could not verbalize how I felt while on the inside I was screaming.
I took the medicine that she prescribed and began the process of passing my pregnancy. It took one week for a part of my pregnancy to slide out of my body. On 10-01-2015 that I still had an attached placenta. At 4:30 pm on 10-01-2015, my doctor did the IPAS procedure to remove everything.
I don't understand right now why I was given such an amazing gift only to have it ripped away from me? My partner does not understand and is not talking. My sons are upset and I am devastated. This is one of the most gut wrenching and heartbreaking things that I have every had to endure. When will this hurt lessen and my tears slow?
I have a 9 year old daughter. And I had 3 miscarriages in 2012 and 2013. I was 39 and 40 years old at the time. The last pregnancy loss...the baby had a heartbeat, but it was slow. So we knew the baby would likely die. And one week later, the death was confirmed.
It is honestly the most painful experience I have ever experienced---losing these babies. And I have had some tragedies in my life. But this was different.
To answer your question, I wanted to assure you that the pain will lessen and the tears will slow. But it may take a long time. So to just be patient with yourself. And trust that you are grieving just as you should be grieving.
I have found it helpful to reach out to a therapist to help through these experiences. Massage therapy and acupuncture are helpful as well.
I feel your devastation because I have felt it myself before. And I just wanted you to know I understand your pain very well. And that I am incredibly sorry for your loss.
And that you will feel whole again someday. For me it has taken about 3 months after each miscarriage to feel like I am fully functioning again. By all outward appearances I'm sure I looked functioning prior to that.
But on the inside I was just going through the motions of life because the grief was so heavy.
Cry as much as you need to cry. It is so healing to move that energy.
Wishing you well and sending good thoughts as you endure this difficult loss.
I was so religious about taking good care of myself. And after each pregnancy loss I tried new things to help my body be even stronger for the next pregnancy.
But some things are just unexplainable, unfortunately.
Sometimes there is a problem with the chromosomes in the baby. And that is completely beyond your control.
They couldn't determine what caused my last pregnancy loss. Her chromosomes were normal.
It still nags at me at times not knowing "why" all the while seeing other women in my non-virtual life go on to have many many children with little to no difficulty.
I think there are just some things we won't understand completely in this lifetime here on Earth.
Nights are the hardest for me because I keep reliving everything. I can cry without my sons being more worried about me. They lost their baby brother or sister as well.
Therapy will be an option for all of us because we are grieving. I know that it will take time but right now I wish I had answers.
Thank you again and I appreciate you reaching out to me.
For a long time I felt like I was just going through the motions of life. In quicksand barely staying up at the surface. It was so hard.
And two of our babies we lost around Christmastime. In fact, one of them, we found out on 12/23/13 that her heart beat was slow and that she probably would not live. We found out on 12/31/13 that she had died.
It was nearly impossible to carry on with Christmas the "hap happiest time of the year". It made us truly dread the holidays the following year because of all the reminders.
The emotional pain is indescribable, as you know.
And it is very very h-a-r-d to put on a face and go about the day.
It's an incredibly blessing to have children already in your home.
It is also incredibly hard to straddle the road between being a present parent to your living children while grieving the loss of another one.
Your boys sound like their age is old enough that they probably understand fairly well? My daughter was a few months shy of 7 years old at the time of our most recent loss. So she sort of understood what had happened but sort of didn't.
It is life though and unfortunately death happens at times with life. And so I looked at it as my daughter experiencing life with us. In limited doses of course, due to her age.
So I too would save my crying for the most part for when she was not around. She saw me shed some tears. But of course the worst of it, I shielded her from because like you said you don't want to worry them.
It was hard too because most people (friends, family, etc.) don't truly understand the pain of miscarriage if they have not experienced it themselves.
And honestly, even women I know who had had a pregnancy loss or two at one point or another in their life........they may not have processed it/felt it as intensely as I did when it happened to me.
So for me the most challenging thing was feeling isolated. Not being able to talk to most people in my life about it. Except my husband and therapist.
And so that added a layer of difficulty for me. And that is what made this online support group a godsend.
I would encourage you to see if there is a support group (if you are interested) in your community for pregnancy loss.
I always thought this online support group was all I needed. But looking back, I wish I had also gone to an in-person support group.
My dad passed away this summer very suddenly and unexpectedly. I went to a grief support group meeting yesterday.
And it made me realize how much this could have helped me after the pregnancy losses as well.
Don't get me wrong, online support is amazing especially when it is hard to find it from other people in our lives.
But I think there is an added benefit of talking to people in person as well.
I realized that yesterday. That it would have helped me weather the holidays last year a lot better.
I don't know if I will ever be "over" the fact that we lost babies. I don't think that's possible. And I don't know that I will ever fully come to terms with the fact that we were unable to have a second child come into our life.
I still struggle at times when I see pregnant women. I seem to live in a very fertile community :)
Such as families of 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and even 10. And some of them conceiving in their 40s like me.
It's hard not to ask why and not understand.
But I will say that having experienced the loss of our babies has made me appreciate so many nuances of life that I took for granted before.
And made me realize all the more what a treasure our daughter is.
It's a sad way to have to come by enhanced gratitude....but there are at least those gifts.
I feel like I am a better person for having gone through what we experienced.
And so when the days seem dark and dismal and it appears there is no light at the end of tunnel, know that it is there. It will just take time to reach it. And know that you will find pearls of wisdom in this experience.
I found it helpful to name our babies. I found it helpful to get necklaces with their names engraved on them.
In fact, I have one necklace that has my husband's and my names engraved on the front and our living daughter's name and the names of the three lost babies engraved on the back.
It may seem that things like this make a difference, but they truly do.
Some women plant trees in honor of their lost babies. I really love that idea.
I am finding the same thing after the loss of my dad. That the more cathartic and symbolic things I can do, the better I feel I can cope.
And lastly I wanted to say that I can relate to reliving the trauma.
It is incredibly traumatic to lose a baby. And I relived it for a while as well. I think it is in large part our minds and hearts needing to process what happened.
There were so many triggers and some still remain. Including songs that reminded me of when I was pregnant with those babies. And all sorts of sensory nuances that we don't think twice about but have a very powerful effect on our memories.
I have not been able to wear the top that I was wearing when I found out our most recent baby died. Even though we knew for a week that she was very likely going to die, it still was so shocking when they said her heart was no longer beating.
Because I can still remember the beautiful sight of her heart beating on that screen.
That hoodie sits in my closet and stares at me. And I can't bear to wear it. So finally I packed it up and put it in the basement. I can't part with it but yet I can't wear it.
Give yourself lots of time. I am so well known for putting an incredible amount of pressure on myself.
"It's been 1 week" "It's been 2 weeks", etc. "it's been a month", "It's been 2 months" and I imagine that most of society thought I should be "OK" by that period of time.
My husband would remind me over and over that this takes a long time to heal from. And whatever society thinks is not relevant.
So give yourself as much time as you need. I feel like I am still healing. I am not 100% there. But I promise there will come a day when you smile again and the pain is not as piercing as it once was.