Miscarriage Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have experienced the traumatizing event of a miscarriage or a stillbirth. Miscarriage remains one of the most common complication of pregnancy, but that doesn't make it easy to deal with. Join the group and find support in the company of others who know what you're going through.
2 of my friends are having their 20 week scans this week, I was supposed to be as well. Soon my other 2 friends will be doing the same. I know we all struggle with the reminders, does anyone have a way of coping with this kind of thing?
I don't like when MY MOM has given me this advice. But that's b/c her idea of being busy is just obliterating all emotions and thoughts with chores and busyness. And distracting oneself so one doesn't feel anything.
My definition of keeping busy would be more like.....find things that are soul fulfilling and meaningful to you. Scrapbooking. Writing. Crafts. Anything artsy or otherwise that brings joy to your life to remind yourself that you can still feel joy.
I have found this (often inadvertently) to be so helpful for me. And healing.
Likewise, I have found it very helpful to read Eckhart Tolle's books (A New Earth and The Power of Now).
To get acquainted with the present moment and not caught up in what my ego wants or covets. And not get caught up in comparisons and the unfairness of life.
But to be connected with my breath and the present moment.
It sounds simple, but it is incredibly powerful.
Another thing....a more conscious way....is I remind myself that we are all on our own journeys.
If none of what I'm about to say resonates with you, by all means ignore it. I'm not saying we all feel like this. But some of all fall prey to this sort of thinking.
Including myself.
That it is so easy to get tunnel vision in the process of wanting a baby/losing a baby where our eyes are so fixated on the "prize" (for lack of a better word) that we have been denied or lost.........that anyone who successfully has that prize right now becomes a source of envy for us.
And it becomes a case of "that's what I should have right now"...."that's what I should be doing right now"...."I'm supposed to be getting my 20 week scan this week", etc.
I catch myself doing this all the time.
Also...sometimes difficulty in TTC and experiencing miscarriage can make having a baby the ultimate goal in life (to us) and we think that life is happily ever after ONLY IF this had worked out for us. And therefore life is all hunky dory and fairytale-like for these women getting their 20 week scans.
It's not.
And we start to think that having a baby is the be all and end all of everything.
It's not.
I remind myself that I don't want someone else's life.
I want mine.
And that I love me.
And I love my husband.
And I love our life.
And maybe there has been more heartbreak than what I bargained for.
And maybe not everything has panned out the way I have wanted it to.
And maybe some women around me have gotten pregnant easier (and not miscarried).
And some women I know in my non-virtual world have had 6, 7, 8 or 9 kids.
Yes, this is true. I do.
And it doesn't seem fair.
And there is no rhyme or reason.
But that I know there are other purposes (spiritual/intangible purposes) to things and that I am receiving my own gifts in this process.
And even though I don't have a growing baby in my belly and a 20 week scan to show up for this month.........my life is full in other ways.
And my baby is watching over me as an angel.
And it's important for me to focus on what I have versus what I don't have.
It's the only way to get through the envy.
Is to acknowledge it. This is hard. This hurts like hell.
But to also acknowledge the life I do have and what "IS" versus what isn't.
As for literally dealing with announcements/gender announcements from friends....you do what works best for you.
What feels most genuine to you.
I don't advise going overboard with congratulations and attention if that doesn't feel authentic to you.
You can be happy for them/congratulate them in your own private way. On your own timetable.
And give yourself space when you need it.
I am hoping that your friends are respectful of what you are going through (though I know this isn't always the case with others) and are sensitive to how their news may be a little bittersweet for you.
And if they aren't, you continue to be good to yourself and give yourself the space you need.
So that you are not overextending yourself with forced happiness for others. While being respectful to them at the same time.
There is nothing easy about watching another's pregnancy progress on the same timetable that yours was supposed to.
There is nothing easy about that at all.
Thinking of you.
I remind myself that I don't want someone else's life. I want mine."
This is exactly what I needed to hear, SoMuchHoping. I've been caught in this reminder cycle myself all weekend..it's been grueling and tiring and I've been here before, and maybe I needed a good cry, but it hasn't stopped and I've been stuck. Thank you.