Unfortunately you are not alone. I say unfortunately because this seems to be so common with miscarriage and I think it's so sad that this is an added burden that women have to shoulder during this difficult time. The burden being that the experience that is already so sad and devastating --- can also be isolating.

This was my experience. And it is still difficult for me to accept. I know that holding onto anger is not a good idea. It serves no purpose other than to use up my own energy and hurt me. So I work on acceptance as best I can.

I have had similar thoughts as you---how could someone not even send a one line email? Just SOMETHING.

Sometimes, 2 or 3 months after the loss, I'd hear from friends saying oh hi I wanted to give you your space during your difficult time, how are you doing now?

Or: "I didn't know what to say---I was afraid of saying the wrong thing"

Or most commonly nothing. They just resumed communicating with me a couple months later or there was never an interruption in communication but they just pretended like it didn't happen and never said a word to me.

It's so painful. I think, as much as I don't want to defend them, a lot of people don't understand just how painful the loss of a pregnancy is so they don't realize they need to step up and be there to comfort.

That seems ridiculous to me--how someone cannot realize the emotional pain---but it's the only explanation I have.

It's made me re-evaluate a lot of my friendships and no longer be the 200% friend I have been to them. It's a sad statement. But apparently I have just not met the right people.

A friend of mine---we've been friends for almost 15 years---she has always said I am a sister to her. We always click. We always get each other. If we haven't seen each other for a while, we always pick up right where we left off.

I called her right after my surgery that was related to the loss and we talked. And I never heard from her again. She just emailed me last week---3 months later. Talking about her sinus infection and then "how are you?"

As if it's perfectly normal to have had no contact with me for 3 months and just resume our friendship (apparently a loosely defined one) as if this is OK.

So all I can tell you is that the behavior of others is very difficult to understand and you are not alone.

My cousin said something the other day that rings true---she said think of it like this. Humans are dumb. And they get even dumber when significant things happen like loss---funerals, etc.

Sort of puts a humorous spin on it. And there is more than a grain of truth in that.

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pregnancy at 5 months is so devastating. I'm very sorry you had to experience this. You're in my thoughts.

Hey Mag - I've seen some of your other posts and I haven't written much just because you are in a whole other place than me. I lost at 3 months, you lost at 5 and I won't even begin to try and comprehend the difference in that. But I do hope that I have a couple words of wisdom here.

I know what you need but unless someone has been in this situation, they don't. I hate to sound like I'm making excuses for others but I'm not, it's just the way it is. 9 times out of 10 you won't hear from anyone because they don't know what to say, they are uncomfortable. Does this make them a bad person, probably not, do you want to reevaluate your relationship with them, maybe. That's up to you - but in my experience with something as life shattering and grief enducing as this, it's best to find others who've been in our shoes. Other ppl just aren't equipped to handle it.

I remember when my best friend died in high school, I went a few months afterwards to visit with her mom. We talked about the weather and life but then we also talked about Trudy and at the end of the conversation, her mom thanked me because she said that all of Trudy's friends either quit coming around or when they did come around they never talked about her. They acted like she never existed, I know this is because they were uncomfortable. Since they had never been the mother that lost their daughter, they didn't know how to handle it. Doesn't really make them bad people, just uninformed, maybe a bit insensitive, naive, unexperienced, etc.

I've learned not to expect more from ppl than what they know how to give - so I'm very brief with what I say, what I express and then I come here where there are others that can help with what I need. Everybody serves a purpose in your life, but nobody serves every purpose.

The other thing I wonder is if some ppl don't really think of it as a baby yet. In our day and age of allowing and accepting abortions - I wonder if some ppl are very insensitive to our views as mothers who have lost a baby. It wasn't an accident to us, or an inconvenience, but we've desensitized ourselves so much, that others don't understand. Please don't anyone take this as my opinion for or against abortion, I am NOT advocating, promoting or discouraging ANYTHING here. I just know that I had a friend who kinda dismissed the age of our fetus as not really being a baby. So I know from personal experience that she didn't realize the differentiation.

Another thing I notice after my miscarriage is how many women take this beautiful gift for granted. They have no appreciation for the miracle in their body and they can't possibly understand the consequences of what happens when our bodies fail or the life inside it is less than perfect and doesn't make it. So they don't know they are supposed to say something, or even what to say.

I really like what SoMuchHoping had to say - I hope that I was able to add to her post and hopefully give you a place to vent, a place to get what you need when you can't get it where you want it.

I have a thought that maybe when you've had time to take care of yourself, continued your healing, gotten to a better place, with less anger, maybe it would make you feel better to let these ppl know that you missed having them check on you. Let them know it's ok to acknowledge loss and heartache - I know it won't help you right now, but you will be helping them to be better ppl. So that if someone else is in your shoes they know how to comfort her.

Thank you both for your responses and words of wisdom. I know sometimes people don't know how to act or what to say, especially when they haven't experienced what we have. Sometimes, I feel lonely in my grief and just want someone to acknowledge my loss. I guess at other times, I just need a place to direct my anger.

But I"m realizing that while we're grieving our loss, the world keeps turning and life goes on for everyone else. I've realized that it's important to reach out to those who understand. That's why DS is helpful.

Death is a very unnatural part of life. Unless you're in the medical field or a social worker, the chances of having dealt with death first hand is very unlikely.

Death is the oppositie of life. When we are excited to share our news about bringing life into the world...most people are happy to congratulate. When we share that death has visited and taken from us in the most painful and unnatural way possible, people can go all stupid. The key is to not take any of it personally.

I lost my daughter at 16 weeks, exactly 4 weeks ago today. After the news broke of my heart break, I QUICKLY found out who my real friends were.

I completely empathize with your frustration/confusion. A friend of mine, who is currently expecting her second, has acknowledged my miscarriage and then nothing else. Almost as if it didn't happen. I am making a conscious effort to NOT hold anything against her.

Other casual acquaintances say, "I'm so sorry. Anyway...." I want to scream! Then some friends think they are being supportive by putting in their two cents as to why they want to see you return to normal every day life. SERIOUSLY??????

The bottom line, unless you have gone through this nightmare you cannot possibly comprehend the magnitude of its heart break. Also, NO ONE can say anything right.

We're not made of glass. We're not going to break if someone happens to say the wrong thing. But it can indeed tick us off. Most people just don't know what to say re: death.

Every woman who has been a part of creating life and having that life drift out of her, joins a group that no one ever wants to be a member of.

Hugs

Sorry for your loss, Amy. I'm learning that people just don't understand. Sometimes they try to say something to make us feel better. They truly think they are helping. This is what I've been told:
- You'll have other kids (really?)
-You're still young (well not really, I'm in my forties)
-She's in a better place (well she's not with me)
-You can have my kid (ha, ha)
-You can always adopt (not so easy)

But I don't take offense. I ask myself what their intent is.... and I realize that their intent is to console in the best way they know how. The ones who ignore me... well.. I don't focus on them and their fear of death. I focus on healing and the people who have been supportive, and have given me a hug, or sent a card, or listened..

I think everything you're thinking/feeling is spot on. I just purchased 'Instant Mom' by Nia Vardolos (the women from My Big Fat Greek Wedding). This poor sweetie went through10 (?) IVF's only to have none of them result in a pregnancy.

She ended up adopting a 3 year old girl with some major issues. She inscribes the book..."To my daughter: I thought I knew love and then I met you." That broke me up

My faith helps me believe that I will meet my princess one day. I'd rather be able to meet her NOW (as you said) but that's just not the way it's going to be.

Amy I Totally Agree with you. I also believe everyone has a different way to handle it all. I know when people say sorry to me or try to talk to me about the losses I've had. I get kinda distant because I feel thier Akwardness towards it. I usually am the one trying to change the subject and get off the topic because to me, who are they to understand my emotion and I dont want to lay it out there for everyone to see. When they say Im sooo sorry.. my responce is: no problem.. then I change the subject so quick I'm sure they are relieved to get off the hook. Thats the biggest reason I joined this site to read other stories relating to mine that can give me somewhere to vent or just to feel as though I'm not alone in it. My Family doesn't know about any of my losses, just my husband and some friends from work. My Husband is not one to talk about it and my friends are avoided. I'm thankful for this website.

Sarja, thank you for sharing. I laughed when I read your comment about letting others 'off the hook'. As I have gained (some) strength and rejoined society..I hear myself saying "It's ok" in order to not hang out in awkwardness. Then I completely disregard the rest of the conversation. Not because I'm upset by them, but because I am reeling from the pain (still) and cannot believe the words "it's ok" just came out of my mouth.
Sigh...

You have all said what we all came to know- unless you've been in our shoes, you don't understand. Woman becme a mother the minute they know they are pregnant, and loss is loss at any point. It is grief. I had one friend tell me (she has also had multiple losses) after our first miscarriage that people were going to say things that hurt me and to forgive them. I found this saying at a craft show and have it framed, hanging in our home now:
"People are often unreasonable and self centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may acuse you of ulterior motive. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway. "
It has served as a good reminder to me each and every day. We are never wrong to feel the hurt that comes with others not knowing what to do or say. I don't think many are purposefully saying things/doing things or not saying/doing things to hurt us. It is a fine line of knowing if you should say "I'm sorry", or "I don't know what to say" ? It alternated for me as to whether or not I wanted to even be reminded of it- it all depended on the day. Someone saying "I'm sorry" could set me off and cast me into that deep feeling of despair for days/weeks, which is why I just tried to push everyone away for a while. I know I truly became a *itch. Those that stuck with me and put up with me through our losses are those that are important to me, they put up with me ignoring their messages/calls/texts/emails when I needed to and put up with me snapping at them or breaking into tears at hearing "I'm sorry" or "how are you doing". Somedays I just wanted to feel "normal" and not have someone remind me of what we had experienced. I can look back and realize that I was hypersensitive. I will not apologize for the way I acted, because I did what I HAD to do to protect my heart and my husband's.Do what you need to do, for those that you are comfortable with, tell them that you're hurt you didn't feel from them. I did this with a few good friends/close family after our second loss (it was a short while after), and they cried when I told them how hurt I was. I told them the next time something like this happens to someone they know to just tell them they are sorry and will be ther if/when they want to talk.