*Long Post Alert* We have all lost babies. That is what we have in common. For me, my recent loss in April at six weeks has been the hardest, as it would have been my first child with my husband. I have had two other miscarriages, one closer to 13 weeks and one even earlier. However, those were not planned pregnancies and even though they were devastating they happened in my active addiction in 2005 and 2008 and I was using drugs and alcohol then to cover up the pain. With the later loss I didn't know that I was pregnant until the cramping bleeding and pain and small lifeless fetus came out. If I had known that I was pregnant I would have stopped using. I have a healthy 12 year old daughter and I didn't use through that entire pregnancy. That is just not something I would do personally. No judgment on anyone that has used or drank during a pregnancy, because I am an addict in recovery I can relate to that too. I recently celebrated 5 years clean and sober. I find it unfortunate that others including myself find it difficult to relate to other stories on here and search out the differences, and focus on only stories that are very similar to theirs. I believe I can find pieces of hope and inspiration as well as feelings I can relate to in the story anyone who has lost a child, not just one as small as mine was. Here I will tell on myself, what I had been finding it hard to relate to as we have been trying to get pregnant for almost two years, is those who weren't trying to get pregnant at all or didn't want a baby. I read those stories as well though and try to understand. I have cried during many of your stories as I feel in my heart the pain of your losses as well as my own. I didn't get to hold the babies that I lost except in my heart. The point isn't really that they died though, it's that they lived. My last miscarriage that I refer to as baby "Taylor" since I don't know if my baby was a he or she had a healthy heartbeat the day the miscarriage started. All I have to hold and look at is the ultrasound photo of my tiny bean. My husband and I have wanted children since we got married over 5 years ago but needed to work on ourselves as people and our marriage first. So for the last almost two years now, not including the miscarriage we have been waiting to hold our own baby in our arms. That hasn't happened yet. It's been harder to cope with the pain and feel all the feelings this time on my own without chemical crutches. I have always wanted to change my life and have more children. Now I have and continue to change my life and love the child I have. I still have hope for more as my daughter does not live with us full-time. I am a part-time mom full time stay at home mom who wants nothing more than to dedicate time and love to her children (3 of which are empty holes in my heart.) I have been going to Compassionate Friends Support Groups for those who have lost a child or children. I feel that if I can relate to the feelings of those who have lost even adult children not much older than me to tragedies such as accidents and suicide then instead of judging and feeling unique and alone, maybe we can all help each other in some small way. My mom wrote this down for me after my miscarriage the quote helps me and also the serenity prayer has become my mantra:
"How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts. No one can know how much I loved you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. A person's a person no matter how small."