This is my first time here and it's long, so I'm sorry, just so much to get off my chest :( . It has been a long journey. I've never been normal when it came to female health. I've had 6 gynos over the years, painful, long lasting cycles. I was diagnosed with Celiac, Gastroparesis (paralyzed intestine), PCOS, and Endometriosis all around 4 yrs ago. I've had yr after yr of health issues from head to toe and I have had fear of never being a biological mom. I am a step mom and have raised my husband's child like my own since he was 6 but it's a very difficult blended family. I want my own child to carry and have that unconditional love.  I am 36 now and my husband is 43 and been married almost 10 yrs. I had my first pregnancy and first miscarriage right before this past Christmas. I spent the whole previous year with a specialist having a hysteroscopy and several procedures to check my tubes and female organs. In Sept, I had endo and polyps removed and then in Oct I got pregnant using an tracker app, which was new to me. I've never been healthy enough to try to conceive. We were so excited!!!! Our dreams were coming true. Since I was with a reproductive specialist, she did sonos every week. July baby had a small sac and didn't grow past 5 wks measurment. I was technically 9 weeks but the growth stopped but we did have a heart beat. Then the next week, it stopped. In just a few days, I was having a D&C in a small clinic with others in the same room, and just separated by curtains. It was very traumatic and cold like in the office. Then, they suddenly tell me I have to have this RH shot because my blood type and baby didn't work together. They didn't have it and sent my husband to a pharmacy 30 min away to get this shot while I was in surgery. It was complicated and I was waking up when they jammed it in my leg!!! I tried so hard to go to the Lord during this time and try not to get depressed. Although, I had lots of pain, bleeding, and physical after effects. We got results from the baby that the chromomes 15 and 16 were off. I was cleared to try again but really wasn't thinking of it just yet but didn't want to wait too long. I didn't want endo and polyps growing back too soon. 2 months later, we were pregnant again and weren't even tracking. We thought, ok this time is meant to be. God is answering our prayers. I tranferred to a regular gyno because we couldn't afford the specialist any longer. I asked to have a sono around 5 weeks because I was scared of the same thing. I was told they don't usually do them till 8 wks but considering the high risk, they did one. The embryo looked odd to the doc. She told me to come back in a few days. Did another sono. She had another doc come in and look because the embryo was just a mass. No baby. She suspected a molar pregnancy but told me not to google it. I had never heard of it. She took a biopsy in the office, no numbing or anything, it hurt so bad!!! It was sent off. My doc called me at home as soon as she got the results, which she had rushed. She had been through this before and very caring in how she has taken care of me verses the specialist I had. By the next week, I was having another D&C. I had a full molar pregnancy. This surgery was at Baylor hospital in Ft. Worth and they were so supportive and let me cry. The results came back negative of cancer, which is what a full molar pregnancy can cause. I had to go on mandatory birth control (Deprovera), have a chest x-ray to make sure no growth has grown outside my female organs, and then weekly blood tests for my hormone levels. It was over 18,000 near 19 around the D&C time. It took a month of my body thinking it was pregnant before it came down. Once it came down to 2, I was allowed to go on monthly blood check ups. I have to do this 6-9 months. If we were to get pregnant or if my hormones were to go back up, it can become cancer or another mass. The 2nd week, I was totally distraught. I got the nerve to call my sister-n-law since she had been through it. I had posted to fb that I couldn't look at babies and I won't be liking and interacting for awhile. She told me I was hateful and selfish because I didn't want to see our 2 yr old niece at that time, which was Easter. I still hyperventilate around babies but I just can't wrap my head around being talked like that. My body still thought it was pregnant and it all had happened so fast over the months. I'm so heartbroken in so many ways. I've struggled for so many years for it to be like a rug pulled out. I am frozen in time after 2 months. It's still like it just happened.