Don't fight or bottle up your anger, It's absolutely normal to be angry, and feel lost. I found going for a walk in the woods, yelling when I need to, crying when I need to helps. I'm not a religous person, so I really don't know how to help you get your faith back, but if you have anyone in your church that you feel you comfortable to opening up to, I would suggest trying. Maybe they would be able to help guide you in the right direction. Best of luck hun, *hugs*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p3e8_XKoRo&feature=player_detailpage

i found this useful today, its 'What Makes a Mother' on youtube

Big hugs, Ash.

Now, for a slight different view, since I did grow up in a different culture. My upbringing with one's faith was very European, and it was stressed that my relationship with God, first and foremost, is private and my business. If you cannot make it to church, it is ok. You are home, you can pray, light a candle, take a walk in the woods or in a garden, it doesn't matter, so long as you know you are going there to clear up your thoughts so you can commune better.

Kind of strange considering I was raised by Catholics, huh?

I do believe the hundreds of years of religious strife made them more reasonable about how each person does have a completely separate relationship with the same Creator. They believe you go to church because you do it from the heart. Or so they did in Pressath. They wanted you to be sure of yourself, even when suffering from grief, before walking into church and facing the town of people who know you.

I know, you are in the USA, and you have a social circle in the church, wondering where you are. Best thing I can suggest is to set up an appointment with your minister for a private chat, and ask them how to do your own private ritual while struggling with your faith and your grief. Find out if they are willing to meet with you in private at set times too.

As for God's Plan, (sighs heavily) it drives me completely BONKERS when people throw this at me about why I lost my babies. Well, duh, Captain Obvious. Now can you actually take the time to realize I lost a family member I love here? Hmm? Wake up, dolt-brains!

I know my kids are my personal angels, watching over me in the Garden. But they showed me this through dreams, and it has taken me years to listen better to them as well as my own self.

The most challenging thing to remember is grief is 100% selfish. It is. It is an emotional reaction that throws us overboard from our own sense of self. Every human has to contend with it since Death is part of the cycle of Life. So you are not alone in this struggle against this emotional type of madness.

To have anyone say your loss should strengthen your faith. Hockey puck! Nananananana. Not going to happen. That isn't how it works. I remember being very angry with my Divine Parent for a lot of things, for a lot of losses, including the death of my Grandmother Mary when I was 15. If I was so loved, where the heck was my hug and comfort for God?

Then I had a dream (I know, I seem to make yards of progress this way) where I challenged a priest about it when I refused to bow before my Great Parent. I told everyone - A parent is not someone I should be afraid of! They should be someone I can hug! Guess what? I suddenly felt the biggest and best hug ever. I could feel it for days after waking up.

It came because I finally got clarity on what I needed to help me feel loved and grounded with this Divine Source. My anger was, in the end, due to the fact my need did not match what people said I had to accept for proof of it.

Now, that was my anger source. Yours could be something different, and rightly so. Next time you are outdoors, and happen to see a butterfly/bird/flower, I want you to stop and see what you feel while watching this beautiful being. It is kind of a meditation thing, but try it, and see if it starts helping you figure out what part of you is screaming for nurturing. I will trust you on the rest of the steps on how you work with yourself and God.

For now, do not worry about your faith. If it was not there, you would not be talking to us. Be gentle to yourself. And a quote I just read from Queen Latifah - "Don't loose yourself. Love yourself." Definitely a quote to write on your mirror and repeat daily.

Lots of hugs!

Its totally normal to be feeling angry about all of this. I dont understand when people say that it was in God's plan either. I dont think it was God's plan to make us suffer and hurt on a daily basis. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. as you already know, its been over a year for me and i still hurt. i still ache. i am still having a hard time. i get get angry, cry, question and blame God. Its normal. Dont bottle it up, you only end up with more issues like me. Like i have said before, you should really think about going to counseling. It was one of the hardest choices i have ever made, but i dont regret it. given the chance i would do it again. i really think you could benefit from it. Just think about it. I know you are hurting, but try not to bottle it up. let it out in any way you have to. whether it be cry, scream, yell, or even throw a tantrum =) HUGE HUGS to you Ash.

Get and read the book 'heaven is for real." it has give me so much peace in knowing that my son is having the time of his life in heaven, but also can't wait to meet me.....someone also told me that God loves having child around him and that I should be honored to know that my baby was chosen by him. I miss knowing my son on Earth, but I believe that he and I will have eternity to make up this time!

With this said, I had a yelling, screaming tantrum with god just this past week about my pain of missing my baby. ....I can be honest and say that god listened and has given me moments of peace in my heart this week. He knows our pain....

You are NOT alone. I grew up in church and I was raised on "God will never put more on you than you can handle" and "Don't blame God" Now the funny thing is I don't apply that to this situation. I feel like I don't know what to think. Everybody's different. I don't blame God but at the same time my miscarriage was different. I do want to ask him Why? Why my baby? Why me? But unfortunately I can't. Just give it time. But sometimes I pray to God that he will help me get through this. And you can do the same. Pray to him to help you find your way back to him and get better.

But with the angry at pregnant women and when you see a baby I don't know when that will quite stop. I still feel it sometimes. The guilty feeling will however go away. But you know I'm always here to talk to and I understand completely how you feel.

*hugs*

I share many of your feeling and I too questioned the purpose. I grew up hearing "God only gives you as much as you can handle" and "There is a purpose in everything." When I miscarried people told me "God must have a different plan." I don't believe this anymore. I think those are things we say to make ourselves feel better and to avoid feeling like things are so out of control. What I believe now is that God loves me, and because He is a loving God, He would not purposely put me through this. There is not a purpose and as much as I hurt, I believe God also hurts for me. God doesn't promise that bad thunks won't happen to us, but He promises to strength and comfort us. We are never really alone because He is with us.

I too feel like life slaps me in the face. I'm a high school guidance counselor and I've miscarried three times during this school year. It seems like the day I have returned back to school each time, one of my students comes in and tells me that she thinks she is pregnant. I go back to work to distract myself, but I just can't get away from it.

I think it's so normal to feel the way you do, especially leading up to the month you were due. Nurture yourself right now, be patient with yourself and your feelings and do whatever makes you feel better. Take good care.