I am so sorry, I really am. I'm new to this site and had no intention of going on this discussion board because I have already lived through my miscarriage. I ran across this subject and hoped that I would be of help to someone. Your story is so familure to my own 8 years ago. Now I know 8 years may seem like a long time ago but I lost a child and the sadness never quite goes away, it gets better, just never gone.
Anger was absolutly the only thing I felt for a long time. I wasn't just regular mad I was seething!!My husband and I had tried for over a year to get pregrnant. I was a preschool teacher, I wanted kids of my own. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant I announced it to my entire class and all of their parents. One parent also had become pregnant and we had the same due date!!

When I lost it about 11 weeks later I was our of my mind angry. And, after my d&c I had to go back to my job working with all those little children and by joyful!! Some people were supportive but there were also some very stupid people. One person accused me of not being careful enough. A couple of otheres said well, you weren't really that far along. Or my favorite, your still young, you have plenty of time. Each time these comments more numb and more angry.

My anger was agrivated by the fact that I was a strong Christian. Why would God do this to ME? I'm a great preschool teacher why wouldn't He want me to be a mom? I wrestled with God and anger for three months. I was a mess. I eventually went to a support group at our church. It was a turning point for me. Much like this website, it's nice to hear that you are not alone. We did some things that really helped me.

They encouraged us to name our baby. Now at 11 weeks how do you know what you even had. I like to believe mine was a girl. We named her Kendall. We also wrote notes to our baby (hardest thing I ever did). We were also encouraged to find a purpose for the loss. Mine was that she helped me quit a job with an abusive boss. (when I told my boss what had happened, she responded...you shouldn't have told everyone so early) We also found a way to give her a little memorial. We have a sweat little bird bath in the back yard to remember her by. Another thing that actually encouraged me is what my docotor said, "healthy babies don't abort." It made me realize that there may have been something wrong with my poor little one and that maybe God had taken her away from all her pain early. God counts her as a life and she is waiting for me in Heaven.

God eventually said to me, do you trust me or not. I had to make a decision. Yes, I do. It took a long four months to get over the anger part. It's a loss, it's supposed to take a long time. Try and give yourself the patience you deserve. Your husband is probally hurting too, he's just a guy and it looks different for him. I wish I had a story of a quick fix but that is not how grieving works. Taking a walk helps a lot because of the natural endorfins it releases. I walked a lot, it helped.

Everything that you are feeling is normal. At the time four months seemed like forever. It will get better over time. Give yourself the gift of that time. The holidays are coming...it will probably stink! Try not to worry about what people will think of you, take care of yourself.

I know I kinda wrote a novel here but I really saw a lot of myself in your post. I am so sorry you are going through this but also so proud of you for reaching out. I was a hermit for a long time. Not getting support from others slowed down my healing a ton. This is one of the hardest things I ever had to go through it. Now I am on the other side. This expieriance has shaped me to better handle the things that were coming in the future.

Lots of hugs your way. Just keep breathing. Feel free to talk to me anytime if this helped. -Jamie

Thank you Jamie. You said a lot of things that I feel. My husband is a grade school teacher and he was so excited her told everyone at his school. When they found out what happened a lot of his school teacher friends had either gone through the same pain or had someone close who had experienced it. Me on the other hand kept the knowledge to myself. I only told a handful of people and none of them had gone through it so they couldn't relate or help me. I felt as though I was left out in the cold with no floor beneath me while my husband has all this support from his friends. I think part of me resented him because he had something I needed and didn't have. My family was great in the beginning but then everyone suddenly vanished and had moved on while I was still crying and hurting and in so much pain. My pain hadn't gone and instead of hurt it grew into anger. My husband didn't know what to do.
I think he thought if we tried again then it would help me move on but it did the opposite. I felt like it was ignoring what had happened and not fully grieving for our lost baby. When i found out i was pregnant I began a daily journal of everything i felt physically and emotionally. I cut out pictures to show how everything was developing. A couple of days ago i opened that book for the first time since everything happened and wrote a goodbye to my baby. After I was done I just felt numb and couldn't stop crying. I thought maybe that would help with the pain but instead my anger inside grew because I don't understand. I know all the logical answers and I know what people say but it doesn't stop the anger at myself and the blame. At first I was angry at God because how could he do this to my innocent baby and to me and my husband. But then the anger changed and now it is 100% at myself. I have such a short fuse that anything gets my back up and gets me angry. My husband and I had started to create a list of names, one side for girls and one side of the paper for boys. I think part of my pain is that my husband is almost 40 and has wanted children for such a long time that I feel like I have let him down and disappointed him. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and that if we never have children he loves me and will accept what God chooses for him. But i just can't accept it. I know I am meant to be a mom and he is meant to be a dad. I know only a month has gone by but I feel like inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even turns around. I have had some hard things happen in my life but I always figured out how to move on but this time I just can't. I just want to talk to people who have felt what I am feeling and hear someone who has gone through it that things really will be okay in the end and that good things will come to good people.