i live in an illusion . i am in complete denial about what meth is doing to me. at my age i worry im going to die, but not enough to stop. due to circumstances and not having to pay rent for over two years and having your dealer be your best friend its been years since i have gone one day without it. why do i do it? i have suffered from depression since i was a kid my family life had its dysfunctions and i was damaged. im also an empath ( highly sensitive to everything ) and have always tried to find an escape from my inner pain through self medication. without meth i cant get up and function. i lose all will to live. i have convinced myself that this is a better way to live. but deep down inside the guilt is killing me. except the people i know in the meth circle no one knows i do it. not even my family, in fact they know i have in the past and i have to listen to them tell me how proud they are of me for not doing it any more. if they only knew. they would disown me for sure they have in the past. i dont even get high like i did when i first started using i think my tolerance is trough the roof. its like it makes me normal. i am not a tweaker. i dont steal, lie, cheat or do things that other people on drugs do to others. over all i am a very good person inside. i am very spiritual but cannot move forward because of my deep dark secret. deep inside i know the truth and its destroying me. the problem is i dont want to stop. my father passed away last sept and left me some money and that money is almost gone. i spent thousands on meth and my normal income is poverty and i have a reality check coming soon. my habit is about 100.00 dollars every 4-5 days now sometimes more and i hate myself for all the money i have wasted for my fucked up cure for how i felt all the time. i have completely isolated myself to the point of feeling so alone now that i have no life and no friends. i feel so alone inside and its killing me slowly inside. my life is a total lie and i know but that doesnt even stop me. i think about what kind of damage this is doing to me pysically and mentally and ive convinced myself the pay off is worth it. i really believe that i cant live without this drug and i make excuses to myself about my using. justification. i am 53 years old and i feel like my life is over and coming to an end. im living in fear most days and i have to say this is not where i thought i would be at my age. why am i here? i belong to a group here under a different profile for something that happened to me in my life and ive gotten so much help and have grown miles from what ive learned about the subject. but i have this dirty little secret that no one knows about and i am stuck in my progress because of that. i will never fully be well using meth. i am writing this because i want to start trying to be honest with myself about what i am doing to my life and maybe just maybe someone will read this and will relate to where i am at. i have no one to talk to about this and i need an outlet for the emotional pain im in because of my guilt about my addiction. i feel no hope at all for ever getting off this drug but when i run out of money which will be very soon i will not be able to use every day like i have been for the past few years. im terrified. suicide is not an option nor a will for me i probably dont have that many years left after consuming the amounts i have on the contrary my will to live is very strong, especially on the drug. how can something that helps me so much be so bad for me? ill never understand that one. i wish so badly i could go back to the day where i was handed that pipe and told to inhale. i dont like speed and didnt want to do it but was pressured to just try it and all it took was one hit and i was completely addictted. i will regret that desicion for the rest of what life i have left. to be honest i have no life anymore and it hurts so bad. i have no hope of it ever getting any better either. if there is a hell i am afraid i will be going there when i die. i am a slave to crystal meth and i am so very lost. and im afraid there is no way out. i just want to wake up and be someone else but that just never happens i hate living in this nightmare of denial and i hate myself for what ive done to my life and what it has become. an empty journal. is there anyone out there who knows my pain and confusion is there even one person who cares? crystaldenial~
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