Hello all!

This is my first time posting and using this website so please if i am in the wrong group or need to be corrected on terms/accronyms ect please let me know. I want to start by saying that i am mostly here to look for advise or maybe even words of encouragement and i DO NOT mean to offend ANYONE.

I have a 10 year old son with ADHD and ID. He is on medication for ADHD which chills him out and helps us get through the day but comming off the meds in the evening is a nightmare. Full blown tantrums. Stomping, punching, scratching and hitting himself, spitting, screaming bloody murder the whole nine yards and then some. This is EVERY SINGLE EVENING when coming off of meds. THis also happens damn near every morning at 5 am when he wakes up. Yep...5 am. Its exhausting. Nothing in particular sets him off. Just random things will get him going. It's like he gets an itch do something and he HAS to do it or all hell breaks loose. 

We live in a town house and i KNOW our neighbors are suffereing through these 5 am meltdowns as well. I feel terrible about them having to wake up to this and while they have never said anything directly to me I know they are are talking behind closed doors. At the end of the day though all I am worried about is making sure my son is off to bed in a decent mood knowing he is loved. As a parent all you want to do is protect them from the ugly right? 

Well now these tantrums and meltdowns are affecting my marriage. My husband and i are going at it constanly. Mostly about how we diffuse or correct or avoid incidents. I am more of a "avoid it if it causes is" type. My husband on the other hand is "we have to expose him and work through it" type. I feel that his way is more hurtful than helpful. For example, 5 am comes around and my son's first thing to do is come into our room and start complainig about being hungry. This goes on for about 20-30 min non stop while also hitting out bed. I learned that ignoring it will eventually get him to stop but once he gets ANY kind of reaction or response he will latch on and keep going on and on. My husbands response is to answer him, "Ok we will eat shortly" to which now my son will feed off of and now he has to continue the conversation, "I want to eat now im hungry." and they go back and fourth until my husband loses patience and asks him to leave our room and then thats where the melt down begins. Falling to the ground, screaming, kicking, spitting, all of it. But my husband REFUSES to just ignore him from the start. 

I feel like im fighting two battles constantly. One with my son and one with my husband. And i feel like im losing myself in all of this now. Like I just want to give up parenting. I want to give up on everything. I feel like the communication with my husband isn't there anymore and i feel like the meltdowns with my son are just getting worse because there is no consistency. 

Again I don't know what i am looking for. Maybe an answer (even though i know there is no "right" answer), maybe just advise, maybe just to vent freely. But any helpful response, advise, reassurance, anything really is greatly appreciated.