Jeez Louise, have I really not been on here in three weeks? Sorry you are having a rough go at this, Mary Ann. This definitely does not get easier with time, I am glad that you are up for your kids and grandkids' visits, but it's a drag that you don't get to see family as often as you'd like.

This raises an interesting question: I have been thinking, for a while, about having a sit-down with my friends on the east coast and saying, "Look, dudes and dudettes, I've been doing most of the traveling for the past decade or four, but this may not always be possible for health reasons. If you love me as much as I love you-- and you must, because I am the supreme being and beloved by all-- consider putting aside a 'visit Katalyzt' fund. And visit me if I get sicker!"

I also empathize strongly with the difficulty of having a spouse who both seems physically disabled and also seems to have... how shall I put this? Not a very positive attitude... I don't mean to be critical of him at all, I just notice you're not saying, "Well, he Skypes with friends and tries to get out when he can." It sounds like he's not seeing a whole lot of hope-- maybe I'm misreading that, but if I'm not, that's gotta be rough.

What affects me, I think, are my friends who drink or smoke weed to excess. I've been playing a lot of gigs this summer-- I have no idea why, but we started getting calls from booking agents, apparently people want to see 60-year-olds play punk rock and 60. So I've been spending more time with my friends who have some bad habits and darker attitudes.

It's different from what's going on with your husband, but there are certain similarities... older drunks and stoners tend to ' not want to do anything,' or not do anything new or different... ah, that's not quite right, either. I guess it's the frustration of dealing with folks who see the glass as half empty.

It may be easy to forget sometimes, but: That's not you. You've always been motivated, always have something going on, always finding a way to laugh at the indignities of advancing years and a chronic illness.

As we know, getting out is important. Hope you can find a way to do that, even if it's just going to a local coffee shop to read-- which I do on a bad day even if I don't feel like it, and it always helps-- or sitting in the back yard with the dogs and writing emails to friends or whatever.

Also: A toilet seat should be able to fall multiple times without breaking. The toilet should be warned that any other malfunctions will not be tolerated. And if the flapper, seals, or any other hardware shows signs of failing, don't mess around-- take that thing out back and shoot it. (Be sure to comply with all relevant local and federal laws and wear protective eyewear.)

Hang in there, good to hear from you!

Well, the spouse is causing me a great deal of stress. His surgery for the prostate cancer was about 10 months ago. He has been on testosterone blockers for about 4 months now. They give him hot flashes, cause fatigue, and exacerbate his depression. I had him go to the family Dr about the depression but he did not mention it. He has had severe problems with that in the past, but was off meds and doing better for quite awhile. But It is Baaaaaaack! We go out but he wants to be joined at the hip so I dont get much of a break, it seems. It is a downer for me for sure. Having to get radiation was a blow, but he also has not gotten his continence back. And erection? Forget it! The plan is to recover from the radiation and get a sphincter and some kind of erection device put in next year. It seems to never end. I am starting to drop activities and I dont like that but I hope it will be temporary and he will feel better when the testosterone blockers are gone. Meanwhile....
Mary Ann

I would imagine that the testosterone blockers would be a serious problem with mood, and your hunch that his mood will improve when they are withdrawn seems sensible. I don't know what kind of meds he was on, but my guess is that SSRIs could be dangerous b/c of elevated risk of self harm and the fact that they also inhibit sexual functioning in so many different ways. If they try to steer him down that road, you can always ask about something weird like low-dose transdermal seligilene-- I have one patient who swears by it. The one SSRI that one might consider would be Trazodone, which sometimes can increase the quality and frequency of erections-- but it's rare that this works consistently for low sex drive.

Sorry you are dealing with all that! I hope you or he has a buddy locally who can watch him while you get a little R&R from time to time-- just so you can get out for a walk or something.

Sometimes I think my wife and I do not appreciate how lucky we are that we can still get around well. Nowadays, if it gets to be late in the summer, I just book an air B&B for a few days somewhere nearby, and tell her we're going. She hemmed and hawed and thought she'd have to cancel, but in the end, we all had a great time! We did take it easy, and worked quite a bit, it wasn't completely without stress, but it really helped.

We also had to drive separately, and I learned that the dogs are fine in the sports car with the boogie board-- they are small, and they have plenty of room for a two-hour drive. However, they can barely see out the window and during hard cornering, someone got car sick! Normally they like fast driving and loud music like me-- I think it's just like a person, if you're stuck in a confined space, you're more likely to hurl.

Anyway, I hope you get some breaks-- and when the two of you do spend time together, it gets to be more quality time. Just watching the dogs clown around or sitting around the cabin and reading was really good for us.