I know I'm lucky.  My symptoms are mild.

But this thing is really getting on my nerves.  Managing it takes a lot of energy, and it's mostly the issue of knowing How Much Is Too Much?  When to hold and when to fold?

I skied three short days this season locally-- three hours, 20 short runs of 1,000 feet of vertical-- and had two days when I planned to go, but did not feel healthy enough-- the skis were already strapped into the car the night before and I took them right back out again the next day and stayed home.  One day the headache was too bad, the other day, it was fatigue.

Part of the stress, I think, is trying to figure out what is safe.  Like, 9 hours of sleep, excellent nutrition, heavy, wet, slushy conditions for three hours/20 runs, no black diamonds?  Yes, I can do that, and it's worth it.  But 6 hours of sleep, nutrition that's only adequate-- nah, can't do it, even if the conditions are outstanding.  7 hours of sleep, good nutrition, bad headache?  Nope.

I'm kind of having the same issue with work.  I was up to 31 clients-- way too many-- now back down to about 25, 5 on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, 6 on Saturday (though someone always doesn't show up).  This provides a comfortable income where I don't have to dip into savings, and a lot of the time, it's fine, but...

If I have more than one crisis in a week, if I have authorizations that don't go through and I need to send a lot of emails at night, or write extra reports beyond my usual clinical documentation, it's too much, the headaches become extreme.  The commute is tough, too-- traffic has gotten worse.  When it's bad, it only adds 15 minutes, but the constant stress of having to accelerate, deccelerate, change lanes occasionally, watch out for idiots talking on their phones, not lose my temper when some fool sits in the fast lane going 64 MPH... 

And there was one day I just called out sick for half the day just due to physical and emotional exhaustion.

I can deal with all these things when I'm feeling well.  In the morning, once the stiffness is gone and the CBD oil kicks in?  None of it bothers me, I'm not tempted to flip anyone off, etc.  But sometimes in the car on the way home, I get so tired I'm actually a little scared.  I do have a friend who is almost halfway between my office and my house, and I am thinking of asking him if it's okay for me to just pull into their driveway and sleep for a while if I am too tired coming home.  My left eye often feels like someone poured battery acid in it-- the lid is visibly swollen, and I can see puddles of crusted gunk just ouside the corner of each eye-- tears where the viscosity is all wrong.

This is not horrible on the scale of health problems I could have.  But it's not normal, either.  

I work a lot of Sundays too, sometimes just as much as on normal work days, and rarely need pain pills on those days.  Why?  I take breaks every two or three hours.  Can't (usually) do that at my office-- maybe one break.

Should I cut down to four days a week and dip into my savings a bit?  That would be possible, I could manage.  I should also talk to my wife, because while I was in grad school, I got into the habit of paying all the bills and managing all the home maintenance-- she goes shopping about twice as often as I do and cooks three times as often as I do, but when you add up time-on-task, my chores are much more aggravating and take way longer.  Managing finances just takes forever-- EVERY bill is now impossible to understand, mobile phone, land line, internet, and credit cards ALL overcharge us, usually just for 20 or 30 bucks here or there, but if I can manage to get someone on the phone and take the time to correct the errors, I can often save about $50 or $100 a month.  Just remembering when everything is due takes a lot of energy, and our income is so erratic we can't have autopay for anything... I might get five checks totalling 7 grand over the course of three days, and then not get a check for six or seven weeks.

The idea of dealing with all this, however-- calling our practice manager, telling her I'm dropping another day, negotiating the chores with my wife, calling service providers-- just seems completely exhausting.

Of course it's all worth it when a kid I'm working with at the college tells me they decided not to drop out, or one of my clients leaves their abusive boyfriend or an anger management client cools off and finally is able to negotiate a raise.  Making this career change was the best decision I ever made.

I guess what's bothering me is the constant need to self-assess, to determine whether I'm pushing too hard, and I'm about to put myself in a position that's dangerous to me or someone else.  Because as you guys know-- those who have symptoms similar to mine, anyway!-- when I run our of energy, I don't get a lot of warning.  And I am REALLY out of energy, the tank is just totally empty.

Thanks for listening to me vent!  These are old-timer problems... compared to where I IMAGINED it would be like to be 60 when I was first facing this illness as a teenager?  This is way better than I ever could have imagined.  But winter of 2018 was definitely harder than spring of 2017 or 2016.

--K