married over 30 years Community Group

For everyone who was married over 30 years and is now going through separation/divorce.

0 Online

Separated after 30+ years of marriage.

If anyone is going through a separation/divorce after being married this long and would like to start a discussion, please let me know. This is the hardest, and most confusing thing I have ever gone through. I would like to talk to others who are going through the same thing.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

hi, I'm getting ready to go through a divorce after 31 yrs of marriage. I find this a very confusing time as well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

yes this is a very hard thing to go through. anytime you need or want to chat, contact me. I've been through the same thing, details later if you are interested.
deleted_user
deleted_user

My husband and I "celebrated" our 40th anniversary in 2009. I am secretly planning to tell him I want a divorce sometime in the next few weeks. I'm getting all the tax info together and then will see a divorce financial planner, and then I'll tell my husband. I'm hoping that he will see that we have just grown so far apart that we can go through a Collaborative Divorce quickly and without rancor.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be so grateful to hear them. I wish for everyone a peaceful and fulfilling new year.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Meiho, just found the post you referred to on the message board. Wasn't sure which one but i found it.
Divorce is complicated and hard. There is a lot to consider, if you have kids, if you have alot of assets, if you own a business, on and on and on. Each divorce situation is different. In my situation, my X wouldn't cooperate with mediation. Had to go the long, hard expensive route. He lied and hid assets. In the long run, it cost me a fortune to get divorced (and he was the one cheating on me so he wanted it but wouldn't cooperate throughout the process). I thought it would have been okay however, cause of some "not legal things he did and an issue with the decree, there are repercussions that i'm trying to get worked out now. Not to say that if i continued in mediation it would have been better. Collaborative divorce is similar to mediation. You have to know the finacial situation , in my case he kept me in the dark about all financial things so discovery was next to impossible.

this past may i would have been married for 40 years so i know how hard this is at this stage of life. Just remember, there is life after divorce. Just the peace of mind is worth it.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wondering how people on this board are doing.

I am facing cancer surgery on Feb. 1, so I decided to put my divorce announcement plans on hold until after that. I can only handle 1 crisis at a time! :-) My husband is being very kind and will help me in my recuperation. He's good at that, and it makes me worry about the facing this kind of thing in the future, alone. But is that a good enough reason to stay married?

I did go to a counselor yesterday, and she was very helpful. I guess I'm building my support network, as this is so scarey to go through alone.

Hope everyone else is doing well on their journey to a new life. I think I'm really future focused--I've found a house I want and I've started cutting out articles showing gardens I might like, furniture, etc. I am soooo outta here, mentally! I just want to move on (but I guess I need to tell my husband, huh? LOL)
deleted_user
deleted_user

sorry to hear about your surgery. I hope all goes well. One thing to be thankful for is that he will be there for you. In that respect, y ou are extremely lucky. I had double phlebitis while i was married and he left me and went to Vegas with his family.

Count your blessings that he is there for you. Whatever happens after that can be your decision but as you said, it may not be the best reason to satay married. Hard decision but only you can make the final decision. I'm glad you went to a counselor. You have two very major issues, the cancer and the wanting a divorce and i think you should continue if you can with therapy. BUT, get through the surgery first.
Let us know how things go.
Best wishes.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks for your support. Surgery went well, though my face looks like a boxer's at the moment. 27 stitches along my nose and cheek, but they think they got it all.

My husband has been very supportive, more affectionate than usual, and I do count that as a blessing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for things to get back to "normal," and then I'll make more plans to leave.

In addition to the surgery and hubby issues, I'm care manager for my 90-yar-old demented father who lives three time zones away. Every day is a new crisis with him. Today he called to tell me that he had lost his left hearing aid. Insurance will cover all but $400+, but that's a huge chunk out of his limited resources. I manage his money, bills, insurance, etc. which is almost a full-time job from so far away. So much for relaxing and healing after the surgery!

I will continue with therapy. The counselor is excellent and I guess I need that extra bit of support right now. I appreciate everyone's comments here, as well.
over50leftbehind
over50leftbehind

Hi, I am in the process of divorce, not by my choice. I am a lrft behind spouse in the worse sense. I was with the same person for 38 years. I am hearing now how abussive I was. She was the control person and no talk about the relationship, then bam. The emotional pain was worse than anything I have ever experienced. It was severe enough I was thinking of ending it all for me. I realize that does no good for me and those who love me. The Walk away is reading books like "You say Yes when you really mean No" and automaticly our past together is one big abuse by me. I read the letter to the left behind spouse and I helped considerable. Are others going thru the same pain ?
deleted_user
deleted_user

Was married young (20) and after 30 years (with ups and downs of course), my hubby told me he no long had any feelings for me. It was the night our only son was having an emergency appendectomy and the next day was my last day of work - laid off after 25 years. So my world was falling apart. I thought I was coping but 6 months later I collapsed from what I thought was stress and depression. Turns out I had developed Graves Disease or hyperthyrodism. Now, almost 3 years later we have a separation agreement in place (he's getting pretty much everything he wanted), my health has stabilized, I'm working (okay...my 6th job), he's moved out, my son has moved out and the place will be going up for sale within a week so I can move out.

I think that is when my "new life" will begin and I've no idea what to expect. I have been involved with a fellow but we both know it's not a long-term thing. Should I end it with him so that I'm free to discover myself and meet others or should I keep seeing him so I'm not lonely,. He knows the score and will understand either way. Oh..did I mention he's married? Anyway, found this site and thought I'd just vent a bit...perhaps I should have started a new topic-thread.

Melho...I hope the surgery goes well for you and you find a way to talk to your spouse.
over50..I'm a "left behind" too and feel your pain...and yes, I've done a lot of honest hard looking at myself, read so many self-help books I feel quasi-qualified, but in the end I've learned that I can only control me and my feelings/perceptions. One book taught me 4 basic rules: 1. Always speak the truth; 2. Never take anything personally; 3. Never assume anything; and 4. Always do you best. Very good words to guide you in life - the don't take things personally and done make assumptions are truly classic protectors against the cruelty out there in the world.

Take care you guys...I may be back for support as I continue my journey out of my longterm marriage towards my authentic life.
deleted_user
deleted_user

so how did it go? i am in the shoes you were
over50leftbehind
over50leftbehind

Hi, I am in the middle of a divorce not of my choosing. Seems strange to all of a sudden be almost life cold war enemies with someone you care for. If I could just evaporate I would. My feeling was when served with divorce papers that my life was over. I am 65, no spring chick by any means. Don't know what the outcome of this will be but like most men I will probably have to work till I die supporting the person sueing me. Do you realize the cost in human life for this "freedom" i have read that anywhere from 100,000 to 200,00 people die yearly from the effects of divorce. As far as a relationship of any kind with that person after this is impossible. I am not yet to the point where I can think about forgiveness. I spent 38 years loving, supporting and whatever else I could for that person, now I just another creep. Bitter, party of one, yeepie. Information I have found about after divorce doesn't look appealing to me, A lot of suicides for males in my age range and also for women. Must be some way much better than this to resolve differences. Some days are better than other, today I am a little down. Just think of all the industry supported by divorces, hehe just think of the lawyers we could put out of business if we found better way.
Fehrenbach16
Fehrenbach16

Hi, My husband and I have been married thirty years. We have had some rough times, but this past year has been the toughest. We have been seeing individual therapists before starting marriage therapy. He's ready to start and I haven't finished due to my sessions being cancelled for one reason or another. I'm pretty ready to move on, that is divorce, but I don't have a full time job, and have been depending on his health care insurance which I need terribly. I am so confused. I feel like I'm being held hostage! Any ideas would help.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I don't how to being, married for 30 years, sepatared for 10 days when does it get easier, I found that Love doesn't fix the marriage just complicate it more. I've compromise so much of my self i don't who i am?, i love him so much, How do you stay strong?, He doesn't believe that he's wrong in so much of the stuff he gets us into that jeapodize us with money and our lifes, right now i can't tell when he lies or telling the truth and the truth turns out to another lie. so much in my head can't think straight. how can you wake up everyday with apart of your life gone, good or bad, but I'm trying, I hope it get easier.
Fehrenbach16
Fehrenbach16

Okay, I have separated from my husband, not legally, but left and went to the other side of the country and am at my mothers house. When I first got here, I was so confused, had not told my mother the entire story because she was out of surgery. I finally let on that things weren't good, and that he just upsets me when we have a conversation and gets very nasty at me. Now I think I'm going to be out here longer than I think.
When I last spoke to him, I was considering going back, but when he found out that things were not going to change the way he wanted them to, he couldn't see the reason why I should come back. He loves being in control of the situation and the conversation. Why is that? I'm so confused.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I thought my husband of 31 years was going to the VA for medical reason, and had been advised of what he needed to say to get benefits for the PTSS, next thing I know he's an entirely different person, one day he's discussing what we will do in retirement when he gets full benefits, and after a quarrel 3 days later he states he's been diagnosed maniac depressive and cares nothing for me and wants a divorce. This was October 2013. Packed me to check on Florida house and when I return first of year, he'd been in extensive therapy for most of December, he starts discussing what we will do in Florida, three days later I guess he relapses, starts the divorce again that he had begun, unknown to me. I am working with a therapist who is trying to get me on my own and a lady from the church visits with me, but they are having a hard time because all I want is to try to save this marriage. Also, I sat home for 9 years while he worked overseas just to be able to have a wonderful retirement life. This man had never asked for a divorce before. After the divorce I should be in better financial shape than him, as I don't want the fancy house & stuff, but I'm 65!