The "intrigue". Boy, does that bring memories back. (Married now.) I do know that I tried everything but the one thing that must be knuckled down to: loving and accepting myself. Recently, whilst in heroinesque withdrawal during a separation from my husband, I was desperate enough to get to work on this. I imagined my inner child inside of me, and reassured her that I loved and would protect here, and take care of us. I practiced loving and accepting myself, EXACTLY AS I AM. I must say, I was flooded with positive feelings like I have never experienced. I thought, WOW, I am sufficient unto myself! Of course, I get lazy when back with the husband, and busy and forgetful. But I do remember to practice a bit here and there. Perhaps I can resolve to stick to it. These feelings were better than the feelings I got from others, I will say.

My perversion, if I may, was a little different from yours. My parents were a couple for whom there was no one else in the room. Also, the whole room tilted to my mother because of her mental illness. Beginning in my late teens, I began to feel the "intrigue" with respect to older married men. (Shame attack now.) Pulling their attention was like pulling my father's attention away from my mother, I guess, and onto me. Even though I never had any awareness of wanting my father's attention. This was an overpowering addiction for me. In fact, yet another "intrigue" stirring was an element in prompting the timing of my marriage. I had to run for my life! Fortunately, I don't work in an office anymore, another hotbed of such intrigues.

Anyway, I was abandoned as a child by my mother's illness. It was pointed out to me that the lack of attention and feelings of abandonment I suffer from now did not truly come from outside of me, but rather arose from the fact that I - I - was abandoning and failing to attend to myself, choosing my addiction and the outer "supply" instead.

So, again, excellent share, Jonathan. Let us love, accept, attend to, and not abandon ourselves today, and stop making idols of others.

Ah, and elements of what your sharing ring true for me, too. My mother was deep in depression all of my childhood, leaving me to raise myself, so I think that there's probably an element of getting my mother's attention in getting the attention of women. And yeah, that's the thing I'm facing now...the feelings of abandonment and lack of attention back then were legitimate, and real. It's me who chooses to keep feeling that way and recreating that situation over and over again rather than giving myself what I need. Though I honestly had no idea I could do it or that it would feel that good until just now. Thanks for the share, it builds on what I was thinking.

Funny that you posted this today....I just wrote a novel in my journal going through the major relationships with the opposite sex (and some not so major!) in my life looking for a pattern. And I can see in several instances where that "intrigue" carried me away and into the arms of many who just couldn't be what I needed them to because those needs were my own responsibility or they just weren't able to do it. I seem to not be so specific in that I do not only choose emotionally unavailable men, but rather if the men do happen to be emotionally available I became instantly unavailable emotionally. The minute someone seemed to want to give me what I wanted I became disinterested in them. And in at least one instance I recall feeling completely empty inside when a man told me he loved me whereas before when I thought he was using me I felt filled up somehow.

I think in my house growing up my mother was the love addict and my father the love avoidant. I watched my mother clamor over my father as he slept in a chair. I watched her cry over him as he left her for another woman. And I learned well to hold both of their characteristics inside of me - the clamoring and the walking away. I see it in many of my past relationships. Primarily though, I pick up strays if you will. People who are unavailable to me.

The inner child conversations that NoOneLeft mentions have been very beneficial to me as well. Sometimes I journal to her, because writing is more natural to me than speaking. It is amazingly powerful. I've even had instances where I could feel something going on inside of me and followed a train of thought only to wind up seeing a picture of myself as a child in my mind and have to figure out what she is trying to tell me! It helps with that sense of "intrigue" you speak of. And it is in a sense giving yourself the acceptance you always wanted.

Yes again to both of you. The repetition compulsion Freud speaks of. Here we constantly seek people that repeat the constellation of childhood, but now seeking the different outcome. Temporarily thrilled when we get a temporary result. We instinctively are not interested in people who do not present the opportunity to reenact that scenario. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Franklin said that, but so does AA. Codependents often ask why they cannot attract someone like themselves, and here is the answer. Well, that's why we're here.

Wow, scattered. Yeah, that's another angle I hadn't considered - I do sometimes get into these "funks" where I push away my love avoidant, and I think it's a matter of rejecting what I really need. The question is, am I punishing myself, or just acting out learned behavior? I don't know. Either way, I'm working to stop it, but yeah...my parents were a lot like that. Father was the love addict, mother the love avoidant, and I remember being in the middle of my father leaving time and again and even being the one begging him to stay at times. I guess that is just what I came to assume love and the meeting of needs actually met. Ah, whee.

But I had been practicing these inner child dialogues for awhile...I might have to get back to them. You guys really encourage me.

Thanks for reinforcing that point. Sometimes I think we love addicts think we want intimacy, but we don't, we don't even know what it is. Perhaps this too is part of why we push people away.

can i get an "amen"....
everything that has been discussed thus far rings far too true for me.

the only thing i find that breaks the addict/avoidance cycle is when i give to me, what i want from others.....
and loving the inner child helps too.

it's so good to be here with others of "my tribe".

thanks for putting it out there!

I dk if you guys are still around, but thank you Jonathan for posting that message. Wow, all of this is so helpful to me. I have been addicted to pulling married men away too, it's a power trip I suppose. I feel 'ok' when I can accomplish it, even if it's just emotional attention, which is all I really want anyway. I will try that 'take care of my inner child' thing. Thanks to all.

I second hopenGod's thank you to Jonathan! I so struggle with these things as well. Especially not loving and accepting myself because while I may have not learned to do that as a child, I know how to do it now and have to make a conscious effort. I can not gather my love and acceptance from others, first I must love and accept myself. Telling that inner child that I will never leave you, I will always love you, I will always take care of you is the first step in loving myself. Hope you're all well! So glad I joined this group!

Hi I'm new here! Wow! Everything everyone has said here is so true to me! I'm struggling right now to love and accept myself just as I am. I try every morning to look in the mirror and say out loud I love you and accept you just the way you are. I've spent too many year, 7 to be exact, trying to find that happiness in two different men. I know that I must look inside myself for that happiness, yet I kept searching on the outside. Looking for someone to love an accept me. The two year relationship just ended on Christmas day and here I went on NYE talking to a new guy and meeting him for drinks and dates when I knew it was a bad idea. Now he's blowing me off and I feel down again. I got caught up in the thrill of hey this guy might like me. Sigh So back to my new beginning of learing to focus on my and love myself! It's something I really really want to work on and hope to do better. I've been doing better each day so I just take it one day at a time. Now I just need a good counselor to talk to. The one I had been going to said I had ocd. Those books helped none! I stumbled upon Women who love to much and a book called Is it love or addiction. Each talking about all of us codependent folks. I need a notebook to start working on all the excercises! I'm glad I found this page cause I was feeling like no one would ever know what I'm feeling.

Hi Short. I am so glad people are still coming in 'here'. I really need support on this particular issue/addiction/obsession. I am in AA and get support on DS for that, but it is so hard to find support for this issue. I have a very good counselor who is in AA and counsels for SLAA and she recommended the official SLAA text for me. It is good and I have started to read it. I still have so much trouble acting out, and am still on step one with SLAA, uuuuuggghhh. I always have to have someone out there who I feel 'really likes me' whether I can or would act on it, or not. It is sooooo stupid and crazy b/c I am married and cannot continue 'playing with' these emotional affairs. I am most certainly a love addict, not really a sex addict, but I guess it goes with the territory when trying to find support. I wish I could be happy w/me and not dependent on my h or his feelings, or any other man's feelings about me in order to feel happiness. It sucks! I am tired from it!

Hi! I'm glad I found this! I was feeling rather down the past few days and this reminded me that I'm not the only one who is dealing with these types of emotions and addictions. I never knew there was such a thing as love addiction. When I checked it out and read about it I was like omg that's me without a doubt! I definitely act out and I'm still trying to find a counselor who understands this. As for now I'm just working on some of the suggestions in the book I have. I may check out the SLAA text as well. I'm currently single and I found myself doing what I always do. I had said I'd start this year off spending time alone finding myself. What did I do? I latched on the the first guy that showed interest!! I knew better but I got swept up in the fun conversations and the fact that here was someone who was showing interest. It's like I always want someone to validate me when I'm perfectly capable on my own! I'm not really a sex addict either but it goes with it I guess. I too wish I could be happy on my own and dependent on my own without searching for a man's feelings to validate me. I've been searching for happiness in from others and external when true happiness can only come from within me! I'm slowly learning this! I have all the love and happiness I need right inside me....just gotta keep that in mind and dig deep to connect with my true self and happiness that's within! :-)