God, I can't stop thinking about him. He's all I think about. I have this obsession with psychics too. Ugh, I don't know. Sometimes it seems as if they are right. Other times, I know for a fact that they are wrong. It's this place I go to in person or over the phone. But I'm always asking them questions about what's going to happen with D. If he's coming back. If he's realizing that he lost a good thing. I don't know. I just miss him so much. I wish I could talk to him.
It's been a month since I last talked to him. So, out of desperation and missing him, I called him, but his phone was disconnected. I don't know why. But I have a feeling it's because he didn't pay his bill and doesn't have any money. The last time I hung out with him, he was looking for a job and told me that he didn't have any money to pay for any of his bills. Plus he phone got disconnected one time because he didn't have money at that time. It wouldn't make sense that he would change his number because of me. I didn't harass him when I ended it with him.
But it's like I can't stop crying. Everything reminds me of him. Now that I can't get a hold of him, I feel like driving over to his house. He lives 80 miles from me so it's kinda far. But I got so use to seeing him all the time that I drive towards his place sometimes when I don't have anything else to do because I miss him. Just knowing that I'm so close to him makes me feel at least alittle comforted. It sucks I swear, when the one you grew to love doesn't love you back.
I tried to look up his home phone number on my old cell phone bills, but since I changed carriers, the old one doesn't have record of it anymore. So I'm stuck. STuck knowing that i can never get a hold of him. I could go to his house, but his house is gated with a senile (don't know if that's spelled right) german shepard running around the front yard that she would probably bite me. I don't want to look like a fool and yell for him at the front. That's very embarrassing, esp. when he lives with seven brothers and sisters, all in their early 20s with the youngest one being 10.
He's always on my mind. I thought I saw him on the freeway the other day and he exited in downtown. He looked like he saw me, but didn't say anything to me. Today I went there on the same exit to see if I could see his car. I wondered if he was there to see another girl. FUCK this shit hurts soooooo bad!!!! All I do is cry over him, pacing back and forth in my house, or driving around listening to music just to distract myself or hope the pain will go away that way. This is torture. When will it end? How will it end?
I keep thinking that maybe it's because I'm still getting over my bronchitis that it's making me hard to get over him. I mean, I really can't be outside, I can't workout, I really can't go out with friends and have a drink. Plus with me being down like this and D being the only main thing on my mind, I don't want to burden them with my problems. It's very hard for me to just switch my thinking and not think of him while out with friends. I guess it's cuz I still love him.

I'm so stuck. I want him. Yet he doesn't want me. It's hard to face that this is the end of it. He only wanted sex from the getgo. Why couldn't I just cut him off right then?