Thank you. I have to say that I have still been reluctant to fully own my part of the responsibility of the relationship. I do not remember having this sort of relationship before now. It seems like the right ingredients were there for my addiction to fully manifest. Yes, his behavior is narcissistic and plain bizarre, selfish, etc., but a healthy person would have walked away. I did this two months into the relationship when I saw how strange his thinking was. Then two months after that, I fell back into it, he pursued that time, then backed off and the dance ensued. He came close, I loved it and felt good, he pulled away, I panicked & grasped to try to pull him back in, I pitched fits, created drama, ran away, he came back and it all started again... now nearly four years.

Thank you for reminding me about God. There is a little bit of recovery in me, a very little bit. I remember being able to go with the flow of life, not controlling and manipulating, snooping and full of fear. More and more now, I am asking myself if I just can't go with the flow for a little while. This is progress because I have not even considered this or remembered that this was an option for years now.

As far as feeling responsible, I am in that a healthy person would have walked away and not tried to control his behavior. I want to be healthy again.

I think the most important thing to learn on the program is that we are equally responsible. We are not victims, we are volunteers. The other side is prey to compulsions beyond their control as we are until we recover. It is part of the disease to think we are the victims of some evil offender. We are meant to stick to taking our own inventory, not theirs. Of course, we vent; but we must return to looking in the mirror.