Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Support Group
This community is a place where you can share your long distance challenges and triumphs, vent, give long distance tips and ideas, or just get support from people like you who are going through the same thing. Whether you live a couple hours away or a couple continents away, the specific challenges that face a long distance relationship are unique and difficult.
Hi All,
My name is Megan and I just wanted to share some struggles and see if they are common amongst other international lovers!
Firstly, I would regard myself as a relatively confident person and pretty confident in myself and who I am. BUT since being in a LDR for nearly 2 years now, this feels like it's slowly piece by piece, being knocked down. Some days I feel fine and get on with my day just fine with a phone call at the end of the day or just messages to him and other days I feel so needy, feel so insecure and just seem to pick fights for no reason just to get some attention. I know it's the wrong way to go about communicating but sometimes I just feel so down and insecure that I become someone I bairly recognise. I know how ridiculous I sound sometimes but still can't stop myself and I just continue to argue and test my relationship. It's not healthy at all and I'm fully aware of that and actually I am pushing my partner away when I get like this...but it still doesn't stop me from doing it. I still continue to pick fights because deep down I'm just missing him and fighting seems to be the way I express that. I think maybe because i normally get some validation from him when I'm upset and thats what I crave but in fighting, I'm just testing him and going about it the wrong way. Instead of just saying I miss him and I'm struggling a bit more today...I'll bring up an old argument just to spark off a argument in order to in the end get some validation. ANYONE ELSE IN THE SAME BOAT!!?
Take care,
Megan
For me in a few relationships it was the latter- due to certain not so pleasant experiences I had been through, during a certain time period in my life I kept picking guys who were great at the start of a relationship, but were deep down commitment phobic. So as soon as the honeymoon period was over and things started settling, they'd become overly distant (I stress 'overly' because any relationship has its fluctuations and some level of distance is normal from time to time). I would pick fights just to get my partner to show some emotion because otherwise it just felt like we were coasting along without any real depth to the relationship.
Then after that I started picking different guys, but I was then in the bad habit of needing constant reassurance even though it was pretty obvious that my partner loved me and they were not emotionally repressed and distant like my previous partners. In this situation too I'd pick fights because- like you said- after the fight came the validation and reassurance during the making up. But too many of these and not only do you wear your partner down, you wear yourself too.
In LDR, there's a third situation where you may not be unnecessarily dependent on him, and he is not emotionally distant, but simply that you're both limited as to what you can do and how you can express emotion BECAUSE it's LDR and because you've now been doing it for 2 years. Human beings are physical creatures and LDR long term wears you out even if it's not anyone's fault.
So ask yourself these questions:
1) Have I been like this in previous relationships too which were not LDR? If the answer is yes, then you have to check whether this need to pick fights is you being overly dependent or because you're in the habit of picking emotionally distant partners. If the answer is no, it's probably due to the nature of LDR
2) Can I talk to my partner about it? Maybe the long distance is wearing him out too. maybe what you feel as lack of emotion really IS lack of emotion because he;s tired of long distance too and maybe he doesn't even realise how it's actually impacting his outward behaviour and you. So , if you haven't already, talk to him all about it including why you pick fights.
Do you have any plans of closing the distance?
I know this post is a bit old but I read it and it was literally like reading my own story!!!
I feel exactly the same and it drives me mad. I don't know what to do or say, I know I'm being needy and driving him away but I can't help it either.
Ah it's like a vicious cycle!!!!
Have you found anyway to deal with it? As cliche as it sounds the only thing I can do when I feel needy is put my phone away and watch a good TV programme, or go and speak to my flat mates for a few hours. Anything to take my mind of it for a few hours.
Feel free to message me privately Megan, it would be so nice to talk to someone who feels exactly the same haha!