Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Support Group
This community is a place where you can share your long distance challenges and triumphs, vent, give long distance tips and ideas, or just get support from people like you who are going through the same thing. Whether you live a couple hours away or a couple continents away, the specific challenges that face a long distance relationship are unique and difficult.
I would really appreciate some opinions on my LDR. I know only I can make the ultimate decision but I find sometimes it helps when someone not emotionally involved puts in their two cents.
In 2006 I lost my husband. Decided then I would not be dating anymore. I am 36 right now have a wonderful son and I was happy. Well last year in Jan/Feb I met a guy while I was playing an online game. We always talked had a great time and one thing led to another and next thing I know in May he was coming down to see me. He lives almost 10 hours away via car ride or 4 hours by plane. Before I even got in the relationship we had a talk about if it got serious he would have to be the one that moves. I have a child and I own my own house. He said it should not be a problem. Now come July the problems started. I think maybe we started talking about him moving down to soon and he freaked out and we started fighting. At first we just did some arguing here and there but nothing crazy and then after Christmas it got even worse. We have been having the maybe we should break up conversation almost every week for the last two months. I actually have not even got to see him since December. We both had gotten to the point that something had to give one way or the other. So we took a step back and decided no relationship talk for 2 weeks and not as much time on the phone etc..and let us both think about things. Well we did and just had a serious talk about. We both agree that we love each other a lot and don't really like the idea of splitting up. However he said that at this point he cannot say if he could ever move down here or not and that hes not sure after all this he would be ever be comfortable with it. His opinion is we have been arguing so much and hes not sure if to much damage has been done to ever feel comfortable. That is not saying he wont he said but just that right now he feels likes the chance is a small one that he would ever be able to. It might be important to note that he is 31 has a great job and still lives at home with the parents. Never been on his own actually. Since he does have a lot more available money with very little bills he is also the one that has to always come to me which i know is stressful. Another comment he made was he did not know if the stress of the trips would eventually be to much on him. The decision we came to since neither really wanted to leave each other was that at the end of May he will be coming down on our 1 year anniversary. The weekend after that we would talk about things and see how things are. I am starting to wonder as I write this down if maybe the fact that he panicked so bad in the beginning when something was mentioned and that he is now saying there is only a small chance he would ever move down if maybe its just not in him to make such a huge move. If it was just me and him this would not be to much of an issue but I have a son involved who really likes this guy and I am not sure how long is good to let this go on without a definite end plan. Again I know the decision is mine to make but as you read this I am curious on others opinion. Is there a point to much damage has been done in a relationship to fix it. If you where in this situation and decided to stay together a bit longer how long would YOU give it if he was still saying I just dont know if I will ever be able to move down there before you decided to was time to move on. Any opinions or comments on any of this you read would be appreciated. This is really tough for me and I am trying to look at it from all angles which is hard to do when so many emotions are involved.
In 2006 I lost my husband. Decided then I would not be dating anymore. I am 36 right now have a wonderful son and I was happy. Well last year in Jan/Feb I met a guy while I was playing an online game. We always talked had a great time and one thing led to another and next thing I know in May he was coming down to see me. He lives almost 10 hours away via car ride or 4 hours by plane. Before I even got in the relationship we had a talk about if it got serious he would have to be the one that moves. I have a child and I own my own house. He said it should not be a problem. Now come July the problems started. I think maybe we started talking about him moving down to soon and he freaked out and we started fighting. At first we just did some arguing here and there but nothing crazy and then after Christmas it got even worse. We have been having the maybe we should break up conversation almost every week for the last two months. I actually have not even got to see him since December. We both had gotten to the point that something had to give one way or the other. So we took a step back and decided no relationship talk for 2 weeks and not as much time on the phone etc..and let us both think about things. Well we did and just had a serious talk about. We both agree that we love each other a lot and don't really like the idea of splitting up. However he said that at this point he cannot say if he could ever move down here or not and that hes not sure after all this he would be ever be comfortable with it. His opinion is we have been arguing so much and hes not sure if to much damage has been done to ever feel comfortable. That is not saying he wont he said but just that right now he feels likes the chance is a small one that he would ever be able to. It might be important to note that he is 31 has a great job and still lives at home with the parents. Never been on his own actually. Since he does have a lot more available money with very little bills he is also the one that has to always come to me which i know is stressful. Another comment he made was he did not know if the stress of the trips would eventually be to much on him. The decision we came to since neither really wanted to leave each other was that at the end of May he will be coming down on our 1 year anniversary. The weekend after that we would talk about things and see how things are. I am starting to wonder as I write this down if maybe the fact that he panicked so bad in the beginning when something was mentioned and that he is now saying there is only a small chance he would ever move down if maybe its just not in him to make such a huge move. If it was just me and him this would not be to much of an issue but I have a son involved who really likes this guy and I am not sure how long is good to let this go on without a definite end plan. Again I know the decision is mine to make but as you read this I am curious on others opinion. Is there a point to much damage has been done in a relationship to fix it. If you where in this situation and decided to stay together a bit longer how long would YOU give it if he was still saying I just dont know if I will ever be able to move down there before you decided to was time to move on. Any opinions or comments on any of this you read would be appreciated. This is really tough for me and I am trying to look at it from all angles which is hard to do when so many emotions are involved.
My boyfriend and I were best friends for around 6ish years before we started dating, and we always (jokingly) fought about who should have to move and why. I was always 100% against it- I was like, no, I'm never leaving, etc. After we got into our relationship and it became more serious, I started realizing all of the reasons why it would have to be me. It's a huge thing to consider- leaving your family, friends, and everything you've ever known.
I know it's upsetting to you, but just try to give him some time with it. My boyfriend doesn't always seem to realize the magnitude of what I'm giving up, and I feel like maybe he's feeling the same way- like you don't appreciate everything he would be leaving behind. I'm not saying you don't, don't get me wrong, but just try to make sure that he knows that you realize how difficult it will be.
If you give him his own time and space, he'll hopefully come around. Just be a good supportive girlfriend and make him remember just how worthwhile it would be. :)
I'm coming from the opposite side of things here. My boyfriend and I have not yet resolved the distance but both have been willing and able to move anywhere since day one. Regardless of having that convienence, I know it would make sense on may levels for me to be the one to relocate. I'm not leaving that much behind so I can't really relate to the anxiety others may feel who or doing the moving because I'm not emotionally attached to my current location at all.
With that being said, if I had someone telling me that they weren't able to relocate and I wasn't willing and able for whatever reason, something would have to give. Any relationship (but especially an LDR) is all about give and take. Relationships can stand alot, but an LDR requires one or both people involved to eventually make the move...that's just fact. You don't want him to do something he isn't 100% happy with either. So unless you guys can work out some sort of compromise as far as living arrangements go, then you would really have to reconsider things because you can't be apart forever.