I’m in a long-distance relationship with someone I love deeply, and I’m really struggling with the lack of sexual intimacy between us. I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve experienced something similar.

My partner is questioning their relationship with sex. They were assigned male at birth and are also dealing with gender dysphoria, which has made sex feel particularly dysphoric for them right now. They’re genuinely unsure what they want or what kinds of sexual intimacy might feel okay. An online friend also introduced them to asexuality, and they feel like they may relate specifically to aegosexuality. Their sex drive fluctuates, and they can be interested in porn and sexual content, including furry porn, while often having little interest in actually having sex.

I understand that all of this is complicated for them, and I don’t want to pressure them into anything. But it’s incredibly painful for me because sexual intimacy is something I want very badly.

One difficult part is that I often feel like I’m the one who has to initiate conversations about boundaries, figure out what might make them comfortable, and try to figure out what we should do next. They genuinely don’t always know what they want, so I don’t blame them for that, but it can be exhausting feeling like I’m also responsible for navigating the problem while I’m the one who is hurting most from it.

My partner is kind to me. They tell me that they love me and care about me, and I don’t think they’re intentionally hurting me. I’ve been trying really hard to make our relationship feel stable and loving for them. I play games with them, talk about their interests and passions, and try to show them that I love them in ways that don’t involve sex. I genuinely want them to feel safe and loved.

But there is almost no flirting or sexual affection between us anymore. It feels like sex and sexuality have become completely taboo. Sometimes we go months without talking about intimacy or sex at all. I’m trying to give them space, but the feelings don’t disappear just because we aren’t discussing them. I don’t want to spend months hurting quietly, finally reach the point where I can’t hold it in anymore, have a painful conversation, and then repeat the whole cycle again.

The distance has made everything harder. We used to live in the same dorm and were literally a room away from each other. Now I’m in Philadelphia and they’re in New York, and sometimes we only talk for around ten minutes a day. They’re also extremely busy with school right now. I understand that because I spent most of our relationship working two part-time jobs while attending art school full-time. But sometimes it feels like they’re living their entire day-to-day life without me, and I’m barely involved in it.

They’re generally okay with things staying the way they are. I’m the one who keeps feeling like something is missing and initiating conversations about it. When I bring it up, they feel like I don’t give them enough time to figure things out before I get upset, and they feel like the relationship needs to become more stable before they can be more affectionate or sexual. They’ve also told me that when I focus on sex too much, it can feel like I only want them for their body, which really hurts because that’s not true at all.

We’re even considering moving in together after they graduate, which makes me both excited and scared. I worry about what our relationship will look like if our feelings about sex continue to be this different.

It’s gotten to the point where seeing pornography, sexual content, or even romantic couples online or in person can make me suddenly feel depressed because it reminds me of what I don’t have. I used to be able to look at sexual things and still feel desire toward my partner, but now sometimes even thinking about my partner sexually feels painful because I feel so rejected and disconnected.

I don’t want anyone to tell me that my partner owes me sex, that they need to “fix” themselves, or that I should pressure them to change. I respect their boundaries and I really love this person. I don’t want to lose them.

I just don’t know how to cope with wanting something so badly that my partner may genuinely not want in the same way. I also don’t want to keep going through the same cycle of hoping, waiting, hurting, and eventually having another painful conversation without knowing whether anything will actually change.

For people who’ve been the higher-desire partner in a relationship like this: how did you cope with feeling unwanted or sexually lonely? How did you give your partner space without completely abandoning your own needs? And how did you figure out whether a sexual mismatch was something you could live with long-term?