Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Support Group
This community is a place where you can share your long distance challenges and triumphs, vent, give long distance tips and ideas, or just get support from people like you who are going through the same thing. Whether you live a couple hours away or a couple continents away, the specific challenges that face a long distance relationship are unique and difficult.
Hi, my name is Melanie I am Malaysian, and I am currently in a long distance relationship with my German boyfriend who is currently volunteering in Cambodia. My boyfriend is aware I have this issue, I get really anxious easily and I have breakdowns. He is learning how to cope with it as I will be studying in Germany for my degree, and then the distance will close.
So recently last Sunday, he said he would text me by Wednesday latest. When Wednesday came, he didnt text me on Telegram, but he was on Whatsapp, when I sent my message whether we would talk on Telegram. I got really angry as this wasn't the first time he did this. I sent him a few messages saying why couldn't he just tell me we wouldn't talk instead of leaving me hanging. The next morning he read it, and never replied.
I felt guilty, and immediately sent him a text about how sorry I am that the last thing he read was an angry message from me and even giving him a few missed calls. He didn't read my messages on whatsapp until today. And for the past few days I have been getting worried about him or whether he would break it off with me over my outburst. It's hard for me to concentrate on my assignments the past few days cause I am just waiting whether he would talk to me. I keep checking my phone even though I know there won't be any messages, I am not being productive and this semester is super important.
I really want to control my mind better, and have faith and trust in him, it's so hard due to past experiences and the fact we lasted this long it makes it seem unreal sometimes cause he's really so patient and sweet. I don't want to lose him due to how I am, and I want to change to be a better person for him and especially for myself mentally.
Update: I saw him online on Facebook Messenger and I popped in a message to ask if he was okay and apologized, he went off after a few minutes and didn't read what I wrote. I just had a breakdown, and the feeling of him ending it is getting stronger now..oh well
On the one hand, she wanted just wanted to talk, but on the other, she was really more worried that I was talking to someone else and ignoring her. Long distance makes it so you can't see what the other person is doing, and that tends to make people worry about their SO straying. Technology makes it so you can keep in touch over the miles, but it also means you can snoop/track/watch as well. This means that if you are prone to looking into what your SO is doing all the time, you'll probably be asking for explanations for all that as well. My GF at the time was always asking me to account for where/what I was doing. Made it difficult to go have a burger with a couple of guys because my phone was blowing up wondering why I was going to be late for our skype call. It's hard when one person desperately wants the other to give them reassurance, and that other person is off living their life with their day to day stuff. It's really hard when the LDR starts to become a demand for attention at whatever inopportune time the phone goes off.
All I can say about that is you have to have a bit more blind faith that your partner isn't cheating on you; more than you would have with a regular relationship. Yes, this means that you might get burned. However, if you don't both make some accommodations for each other in an LDR, and end up bickering over it, that will kill the relationship too.
In the end for us, it didn't work out. The distance was too much. I'd like to think it would have worked out better if we had lived close to each other, but you can never know that.
Good luck!
I have to say it's really nice reading SH39 insight, because I was in the same position as you Melanie at the start of mine and my boyfriends relationship. So definitely take into account what he just said, because my boyfriend felt the exact same way before too.
Ok so from our perspective...yes I understand why you're doing what you're doing. I 100% did the exact same bloody thing and I hated myself for it, but it's so frustrating when you just want to hear from them!! I was worried, and I got frustrated waiting around for a message and didn't understand why he couldn't just tell me we wouldn't talk instead of leaving me hanging as well. I reacted the same. I sent an apology message afterwards for getting upset etc. My boyfriend maybe waiting max 12 hours before replying.
For you it's much different. A week with no reply is extreme but not the end. I recommend you give your boyfriend some space. I disagree that he should be ignoring you for a week - that's not fair. He should have at least messaged he needs some space etc.
I understand how you feel right now. I'd be extremely upset and distracted from my studies too, because I was like that even just waiting 10 hours for a reply when this would happen to me. Let alone a whole week? You're doing well, so just hang in there ok?
I recommend waiting now. The more messages you send him, the more he probably won't want to reply. He probably needs time, he probably feels just as frustrated. When it get's to that point with my boyfriend and I, instead of letting myself sit there and dwell on it - I distract myself on studying, being around my friends, listening to some power music and painting/writing/reading anything! Just keep yourself busy. Try and avoid messaging!!
If you do message, I recommend you only send one more. It should mostly just summarise that you're sorry, that you understand he can't always be there to message you but you will be more patient in the future etc. that you're working on yourself as a girlfriend and as a person. That you care about him and you will wait to hear from him.
If you don't hear from him in another week, that's a different story. That's really extremely not fair to you and you deserve better. Even if you messaged him too much, it's not fair to completely cold shoulder you. Let us know what happens ok? We can figure it out from there.
Give it 3 or so more days!!!
Well I guess he is either busy with work or spending time with his family. His parents and brother came from Germany to visit him, so I guess why he still hasn't replied yet. When I was angry I told him not to speak to me when he comes back from Myanmar (which he is going with his parents and brother on this trip too).
The last time I texted him was Friday which was a long, sweet message apologizing and also understanding that he can't be there for me but at least give me a heads up about it and obviously saying that I love him and I miss him, and that I will wait for his reply until he comes back from Myanmar. Sunday on wards I went silent and never said anything until today, it was only two days ago I was motivated to do my assignment! I am really rushing everything now because my lecturer wants to check our progress tomorrow.
I just want to give a background on how we met, we met through a penpal website, and we wrote letters to each other, then we started texting on telegram it is our thing, and then skyping. We became really close, best friends I would say. We understood each other well and we had the most funniest conversations ever sometimes. A year plus passed and we both agreed we need to meet each other (still mutual, although I had a crush on him first). He visited me first, then he realized his feelings for me, and asked me to be his girlfriend while he was in Malaysia. Me on the other hand I didn't visit him in Germany due to money problems, so I am waiting till next year.
During our relationship, he actually liked 2 girls, the first one was before we got together, I was super insecure because well I was comparing myself to a German girl. But eventually he moved on, the second one he liked was his housemate currently in Cambodia, that was the time when we had a fallout and he asked for space for a week, he came back telling me he wanted to end it etc. I convinced him to stay, and finally he recently moved on from that girl too. He told me he wouldn't fall for anyone else anymore because he really loves me and me only now.
Reflecting on what he says, I'm not sure if it is true on rare occasions :(. I really do love him, I just hope I would be a better person for myself cause I am still insecure about everything. And thanks for the support I really appreciate it :) I will definitely update when anything else happens, and I will just focus on my assignments now. :)