Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Support Group
This community is a place where you can share your long distance challenges and triumphs, vent, give long distance tips and ideas, or just get support from people like you who are going through the same thing. Whether you live a couple hours away or a couple continents away, the specific challenges that face a long distance relationship are unique and difficult.
Hi everyone. My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) have been together about 4 years now, we've been doing long-distance since early June 2020. We've seen each other twice so far. He lives across the border, 8 hours away by flight (althought there are no direct flights which is quite frustrating). I think we've spent about 15-18 days together/in-person since June.
At first I missed him tremendously, I was so sad and felt like a fish out of water. I spent so much time texting him, or spent my evenings after work on th phone with him. At first, I was the one constantly reaching out because I just missed him so much. He was busier, and also didn't enjoy my new "clinginess" so he wasn't all that receptive/supportive the first few weeks of our separation... he was also trying his best but I was really really struggling with the move. I remember being super resentful and unhappy and he tried telling me "everything would be ok" but with time idk, I mean, we don't live together anymore, I feel like I've been forced to adapt to this new life. He was constantly on my mind at first. I loved him so dearly it was aweful being apart (it was hard on both of us for sure, he'd call me in tears and tell me it was hard on him too.) Then, with time, I somewhat started to adapt to him not being there. Since we don't have any scheduled trips to see each other, and no end date/plan for ending the LDR, I feel like I can't really wait for him/anticipate him anymore. It's almost as if I've had to remove him from my life (psychologically, emotionally) to be able to really move on. At the same time, he does provide me with support and love (from a distance) and I know that despite all the pain I do still have some feelings for him (an emotional attachment + respect + love for who he is as a person) so I do appreciate that, it's nice, but the whole dynamic is different.
There are times where I don't even miss him anymore? I do miss the perks of a relationship - the unconditional love and support, the physical intimacy, the companionship, but I don't find myself missing him all that much anymore. I used to, a lot. He, on the other hand, calls me all the time telling me how much he misses me and wishes we were together. He's always trying to find a time to call, but I just prefer being alone now I suppose. Due to COVID it's been hard seeing friends, so I do end up being alone a lot of the time. I've become a LOT closer with my family and spend a lot of time with them since they're in my bubble and we take proper precautions. I hang out with my brother all the time, do dinners with my parents.
I think I'm someone who struggles really staying too invested in something long-distance, because at a certain point it just feels like I'm leading a double life. The first time I left him after our first visit, I was absolutely heartbroken, I didn't want to leave him, it felt like we'd gone back to old times (we used to share an apartment together). Now, I don't know, when he left after his trip, I told myself "well things are going back to normal." I almost hurried him out the door because I knew I had a big personal project going on and I was genuinely excited to go "back to my life". The "new normal" doesn't include him. I think I have to consciously restrain myself from thinking about him too much because then the reality sinks in and I find the whole reality quite depressing. Sometimes when he wants to call/spend time together I ask myself "well what's the point we don't have a life together and this is all virtual." I miss real emotional and physical intimacy. I miss being able to have fun with my partner, feel their love and support. Now they're just this person on a screen who I never see, ever.
It's like I've become indifferent almost, like if I kept caring about the situation I know I'd be keeping myself in a very vulnerable spot. Watching him leave in June was aweful and I felt so powerless/unhappy that maybe I'm resisting putting myself back in a vulnerable spot by staying as invested?
He's the one who moved away from our city. I don't know if that's relevant in terms of my feelings
Has anyone ever felt like this?
It is normal to have these feelings because you love the person but you can’t keep dealing with it so you feel stuck..
Personally for me I’ll never do a long distance relationship again for the exact reasons you named.
I literally joined this site to respond to your post. I've been with my partner 6ish years, the bulk of which was spent together when we met at University, and has been long distance for 2years or so since we got back together afterwards.
I feel exactly the way you have described above. I love him dearly and adore him as a person but given the ways trust has been broken between us in the past, and the emotional growth that has come with that from my side, I'm getting very used to feeling independent of him despite us being in a committed relationship. It still sucks everytime he has to go after we've spent a few days or weeks together (particularly given the uncertainty of when we'll see each other now because of Covid-19) but I'm able to emotionally detach from the sadness much quicker. Sometimes it almost feels like a relief to have my space back. It's the feeling as you say of leading two different lives. One with them and one without. I think it might be a protective instinct on my/our parts because if you start to distance yourself from someone emotionally, even if you love them, saying goodbye hurts far less. Sometimes I almost feel single and yet I don't want to date anyone else. I think it's a build up of frustration and the need to not be dependent on them because you're so used to not getting the physical gratification you would with a normal partner. Physicality isn't everything but it's certainly important to me, when it's one of the biggest ways I show love. Just talking is getting irritating and I feel myself pulling away from the relationship because I'm tired of being patient.
If it's ok, I'd love to talk to you more about this separately. I haven't found any information on other people feeling this way and have felt like I'm going mad!
He’s suppose to be coming back to the states this month and I’m iffy about him even visiting cuz it’s emotionally exhausting hanging out with someone who can’t stay forever.