Ok people! I'm not even sure where to begin this? And I don't think I'm actually looking for advice because I feel internally I know where the answer lays... It's within myself. How to resolve my feelings? I haven't even thought that far yet?..But I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences with you and I'd love to hear "your thoughts, inputs, feelings, and opinions" also. This discussion is not to be about my own personal pity party, I live that myself, and those feeling these days somehow became my friends (Boy don't I know how to choose my friends?!..lol )
I think we may even possibly come to realize and maybe even come to some conclusion that our life's circumstances and situations are way more universal than we like to think they are unique to only us..Why else would we be here??

A Cliff Notes, quick run down about myself: I was raised in a small family, my parents, my brother, and me..Though we came from a lower middle class family there was a lot of love between us. I had a great childhood and some great memory's. Trying to make this a long story short, though we all held our stations in life with full time employment we were (I still am) musicians who've played out professionally to make ends meet..Weekend warriors I guess you could call us :) Starting back in 2004 my parents passed...My brother (a piano player) and me continued to grind it out with gigs, and I've played with him for over 35 years...My brother passed back in April...Do I still play out? Yes, but the pizzazz of it is gone...I guess you could say I go out and fake it when I do it and I have to do a lot of soul searching this year if I even want to continue doing it?...

...So let's speed up to today..Divorce, loss of all material assets, loss of many personal friends, struggle of getting my daughter through college,...loss of my immediate family, it's taken its toll...
It's so strange the way I feel now?! It seems just like yesterday it was all so put together..Easter dinner at my parents with my then wife, daughter, my brother and his girl friend and get together's with friends, Easter egg hunts for my daughter..etc.. And in a blink of an eye it was all gone.

Now it's just loathing of getting through those holidays and events with a fake smile...

I want to mention also that I would be considered more of an "extrovert type" from the outside of people who know me..I do a lot of personal/public interaction, and public speaking at my day job.The nicest compliment I've ever heard about my self( that I wasn't supposed to over hear from a discussion of co-workers was) "I'm the type of person you could know for five minutes and feel like you've known him for your entire life" You don't know how good that made me feel???...That's the legacy I want to leave behind about myself and be known for...My life is an open book and I always want it to be that way :)

However?..Since my brother passed, family is gone, divorce, daughter has her own life... I feel I've began to isolate myself and that;s not a part of my persona that I enjoy (that's what brings me here).

I feel my optimism about the future at times is also fading..Not to mention at heading towards 55, I'm getting tired...My loneliness?? It's nothing I could ever directly pin-point through-out my life, but there's always somehow been that void in all of that, I've always knew I was different from the other kids :)..I guess I don't like to give that too much thought??

I will leave it at this for now. But I want you to know I remain optimistic..Even if it's delusionally so , but at least it's optimistic all the same :)

Again I'd love to hear your thoughts, inputs, feelings, and opinions..

Regardless of what life has dished out to us, you may find we're way more universal than we like to think we are unique in our situations...

Thanks for reading Peace -J