I quit my second job, but we couldn't make it, so I started back. The continued lack of sleep is continuing to make my mind fail. I forget so much. Tomorrow is my son's birthday, and I only remembered saturday that it was coming up, because it suddenly reminded me because of halloween coming up - he missed a hallowwen birthday by 5 hours. 

It's Halloween season, so all of the usualy movies are on TV. Sunday, while doing notes I stumbled accross Sleepy Hallow - The Johnny Depp version. Watching the first few moments, I had a flash back and had to stop and then turn it off... had to do something else to make it stop. 

Ever have flash backs? I do. I work with people with PTSD who have flash backs. I don't have PTSD, but it is just like that. My mind is different than most. I remember things in senses. Smell, touches, .... sights. When I go places, and want to remember something, I will close my eyes and rub my hands on something, take a long slow deep breath, or I will look out and take pictures with my eyes, closing the lids slowly and developing each shot in my head. Those memories I can later play back in my mind. It's like film sometimes. I can slow it down, speed it up, zoom in, repeate words exactly as they were said, Catch things I didn't notice the first time. ... Sometimes I love when it happens. Other times, it sacres me. Sometimes it is just unwanted. 

The last year has been a blur.  I have been in this new house for almost a year, but I can remember very little. Think about very little. It all just runs together. Some of it I am glad I don't remember. Others ... it is very upsetting that I can't remember it. 

In college, I was in a very serious relationship. The first relationship in my adult life. The first relationship where we went ring shopping. The first relationship where he wanted to be with me forever. I was swept off my feet. It ended baddly. They are now married. Thinking about it still hurts sometimes. 

College was long ago, so a lot of that time period and that relationship, I don't remember anymore. I saw Sleepy Hallow just before starting college in the movie therater. I sort of remember going, but I know I did. Watching those first few minutes of that movie, though, all of a sudden, I was bombarded by memories, thoughts, conversations, feelings.... Things I thought were lost, but just needed the right trigger, I guess. All about Drew. 

Drew's favorite movie was Sleepy Hallow - the Johnny Depp version. He thought Johnny Depp was a brilliant actor. I couldn't have even told you that last week. I watched that movie a second time with him. I'm one of those people others hate who talks through movies. Drew hated it too. In watching those first few moments, I suddenly had memories of us laughing, fighting, things that had nothing to do with the movie, things that did. The smell of his colone. The quilt his grandma made him for graduation. The cold floor of his room. The long walk up the stairs to the girls floor for the bathroom. His roomate's voice. Times we loved. Visions I hoped i had forgoten.  sights, sounds, smell, feelings, .... overwhelming to experience all together in just a few moments sitting on a couch in my livingroom, alone. 

It made me so mad that all of these memories I want to remember from the last year, I have lost, but these memories that I have no use for any more, are seared somewhere in my brain, waiting to haunt me again. 

I am determined to sit through that movie. Make it through those memories. ... I don't know if I should do it alone to process it, or if I should ask my husband to join me.... who might get upset with the amount of emotions I go through. They are there now - in my contious memory. Teasing me. I try not to think about them, but they are there. taunting me. caling me. making me feel lonely. unlovable. all of the things I felt when I knew our relationship was over. 

I keep trying to focus on the memories of my boyfriend at the end of my college career. The one who loved me through some of my worst. My best friend. My husband. ... but somehow those negative feelings are just overwhelming ... consuming of posiives. ... trying not to drown. 

oh man. We can do this. 

:) Susie