Not wanting to feel... yep, I know how that is... wish I had a dime for every time I thought it would be a good idea to be able to switch on & off feelings, like a light switch... most times, I would have turned it off. Vunerability is a difficult feeling to experience, especially if life has been known to throw rough stuff your way, easier to steel yourself against it, than give in... or is it?

But then I think... what are we really made of...? I've learned over the years, that feelings are essential to living... learning to hold those difficult tender feelings with care, not pushing them away, but listening to them, acknowledging them, nodding to them... not simply pushing them away, helps lessen their impact.

The more we resist something, the stronger it becomes... then there is more energy in the resistance, then simply accepting it & letting it pass or wash through us... Have you you ever read literature on martial arts? such as aikido... letting a force that is coming at you, go through/by you, is more effective than meeting/resisting it head on... it is the learning to sit with it, be okay with it, that it slowly changes... no longer feels as strong, no longer takes up so much space.

I hope I'm making sense... meditation helps, learning to focus the mind - strengthening the mind muscle, to hold one thought... helps to disengage the whirlwind of thoughts & emotions that swirl around inside... start to see the emotions as simple waves that come & go... they are not real... nor will they last.

Feeling alone, does not necessarily mean that we are alone... :)

That seems like a big challenge for me. That's like rewiring my whole personality. I have spent my whole life trying to crush my emotions. I don't know if I can just change like that. I have some emotional problems that I have disscussed with people on other boards that may also make this hard.

Good news is though that another personality flaw that I have is to not turn down a challenge. I'll try to look at things through a different light.

Aw it sounds like you just "spent your whole life" screwing it up then. Since when does crushing your emotions sound like a sensible thing to do--who does that? Maybe if you're trying to be an evil super villain...but look at all the classic superheroes... They were all about caring for the little guy, saving people, shit like that.
And yeah, you're Iron Man so don't give up! Change takes time so endure, tough it out. It'll get better.

my last journal is about the same thin...i donno if i can be alone and still stay happy...But hey ur not alone with bein alone...if that helps!

Yeah this is freaking hard. I'm home alone all day because I graduated college and I have no job now. I'm trying real hard to get a job so that I'm not alone all of the time, but it isn't going too well.

I'm trying to just let my emotions pass by like waves. That is tough though. Especially when all you have to do in a day is watch TV and play videogames. I keep getting frustrated when the feelings keep coming back. I don't know if I'm doing this right.

Yeah I'm feeling better today. I'm going to try my best to get through this. I will be dead before I let this period in my life keep me down. I've battle with depression since I was a little kid and I have been free of SI for almost two years now. I am not about to lose to some feelings of being alone. I am going to do whatever it takes!
My soul will be able to rest and I'll be happy someday. I will make it happen!

I can relate to that. I know this problem seems to be a guy thing but women are now more and more involved. I hate being weak. I hate that I hate to be alone. I wish I can just stop feeling, stop hurting. I wish I could be made of steel so that feelings would just bounce off of me. I want to be in control of myself. And the 'soul on fire' thing? I TOTALLY get it (really, just look at my avatar).

I greatly admire you for trying to get through this. Until now I'm still greatly struggling. But you know, with great pain comes great joy. If we can't feel sorrow, we cannot be truly happy. You seem a lot better than me at this though, so maybe you don't need my advice.

Don't give up! You give hope to people like me. BTW, do you mean self-injury or sensory integration by SI? I do not know much of sensory integration but self-injury I can relate to.

"I have a personality problem where feeling weak really sets me off"

I, too, hate feeling/seeming weak. And I think everyone probably has their own unique spin on what "weak" means to them. At least you (and I) recognize this difficulty???

Are we supposed to be working to change our definition of weak? Or to stop rocketing off when we are weak?

To NothingNihil: I think we should aim to embrace our weaknesses. All humans are weak, deep, deep, deep inside. But our weaknesses can make us beautiful. They can even make us stronger at some other aspects. It's easier to embrace the strength of the ocean than try to resist being swayed by the waves. : )

I'm still plugging away at this just so you guys know. I'm trying to introduce myself to new people and talk to my three buddies more often. Anyway I can combat this I'm going to try. I'm still trying to get a job, but nothing doing yet.
In my prior post I meant Self-Injury when I said SI. Sorry if I confused people.
I've been feeling a little better since last I posted. I'm really praying that I get a job soon so that my life can take a direction. I'm just tired of going to the gym (which mommy and daddy pay for), coming home (to mommy and daddy's house), and watching TV (also mommy and daddy's) all day. I just feel like I have no strength, like I'm a house pet. I'm fighting to get my sense of power back.

GH, keep trying to get a job but in the meantime, perhaps consider interning or volunteering. That will at least get you out of the house. Good luck.