My own opinion is that many people, especially here in New Jersey, are so self-involved, selfish, stubborn and nasty that I have a very hard time believing anything that people tell me. There is a book that was written a long time ago called "When Helping Others Hurts You" and one that Dr Phil has been talking about called "Life Code". Both warn about users, abusers and people who are just plain old, garden variety shit heads (pardon my English). I find it exponentially more and more difficult as I get older to trust or believe any body at all. I was abused physically and emotionally as a child and even at my age (53), I still have that old tape that says that I deserve(d) to be used and abused. I don't understand people any more than you do. I have children your age and it is no wonder that I don't here of more folks your age going through this same type of crap. My kids are pretty self contained and my wife and I provided them with a sound moral compass so that they could protect themselves and pick up on the usury and abuse very quickly. In short, if someone tries to abuse, cajole or use one of them, that person is DONE! I hope this helps and please remember you're not alone.

Not sure I can even understand how you see others. Perhaps your past is still a daunting stigma of generalizing others. Don't feel bad for expressing yourself as you feel. I wish you much luck on finding a good support group and friends to relate with.

Welcome! I encorage you to keep posting so we can get to know you.

Am trying to find hope here. Az you deserve a more caring world
...than the present one.

JourneyHome thank you for your positive post.

One learns a sense -- a sense of who to trust and how much.
I wish I were a teacher; but the learning I'm thinking of comes from a Higher Power.

And "a little help from my friends." Azalae you have come to the right place.
--- Caleb
(((( A ))))

I see you're only 22, Azalae, and 20s are a very turbulent time. People are just out of high school, away from their parents for the first time, are perpetually horny and are trying to figure out who they are. You sound very grounded and deep for someone in their early 20s coming to these conclusions, congratulations.

Yes, sometimes you have to just get away from such people. I'd like to say selfishness, childishness and pettiness diminish with age, but most times, they do not, unless one is forced to endure some deep, profound loss of some kind, someone close to them or something they cared about deeply, which has a hollowing, humbling effect. I lost my brother to cancer. He was my one stability in the universe when all else around me was going haywire, and without him here, life has been a whirlwind of anxiety and uncertainty.

I've been making new friends. I tend to prefer boring, stable types, but the types I tend to attract tend to be unstable, hyper, obsessive, finnicky, perfectionistic control freaks who violate my physical and emotional space. But would I rather be completely alone? I can go short durations in just my own company, but after a few days, I crave social company, even if it invites a shit-storm of drama and bullshit.

The best way to handle such people is tell them clearly, explicitely, what they're doing that you don't like, and set clear boundaries, sometimes say "I need to be alone for awhile". If they respect that and those boundaries, great. If they don't, tell them to get lost. They're not worth your time or emotional energy.

I can certainly understand your mistrust of people etc-from what you have been thru. I might suggest you look into volunteer work...those you help will be sincere in their appreciation and in turn you will find yourself being able to se the good in some people again

If we know - if *I* know - what kind of ppl I enjoy being with,
and if a different kind of ppl are the ones who seek me out,
how do I convey to the persons I most like that I'dknow them better?

Will call this the social skill of how-to-pursue/without-seeming-a-fool.
In my own case, am planning (fingers crossed) to invite this or that person over. Have never had a place which was kept neat (too many books & non-functional PCs), however a clubhouse here in our apartment complex . . . /might suffice.

These ppl whom I enjoy are busier than I. Am on disablity and am past retirement age. So other interests exist for them, besides me..and I have to make more effort than otherwise in order to spend time with 'em.

This has been round about, but I wanted to get us into the issue of __how to pursue__. When we know who we want to be around.
/ And yes, I do know ppl who like me but are NOWHERE'SVILLE :(

It is said (E.Erikson) adolescence is normally the time when a person is deciding what kind of ppl she or he wants to be with. --But that writer also has advanced the idea there is an advanced adolescence. Lasting until 30 or so. It's that modern life has ppl being less settled down, so (if Ericson is right) there is an "advanced adolescence."

Me?, I am totally greyed and entering the late-gradeschool stage
/ The words "the real me" are appealing. I very much like the sound. It is special when a person can say that. J.D. Salinger IMO talks about this, he talks about the feeling of being seriously, deep-down misunderstood. . . . Not only in his novel, but h' short stories +Franny&Zooey. . J.D. BTY had PTSD

'nuff guff . . --Cal
good luck to all the people wanting to find themselves
though not getting a whole lot of help

Well check this out.

Peoples --"life outlook" -- it really does shape them. You may disagree on the specifics, but the concept as a whole, merits a look. Give it some consideration. Maybe some value is there for you.

I'm ok - you're ok
I'm ok - you're not ok
you're not ok- I'm not ok


do you deeply believe that in all your relationships your ok and everyone else is screwed up except for one distant guy?

Hmmm. Please consider exploring this "world outlook concept".
Someone can lead you to: books/websites/critics on this topic.

It has a good deal of acceptance. I myself am a "I'm ok -you're not ok"
Kinda guy to most people and most situations. It is not terribly healthy. Seeing this in myself I know that it is not simply a healthy skepticism, but rather an unhealthy avoidance technique (of mine).

So perhaps a little research on your part might bring some insight or happiness.

Maybe I'm dead wrong here. If so I wish you luck and success.

yup. I've isolated.

Damn, I could have written what you wrote. I would also go so far as to say most people don't even know what they want. They don't believe in anything, just jump on bandwagon after bandwagon to make it seem like they think, when they actually expect everyone else to do their thinking for them because it's safer. Or they just chase after whatever they think will make life easier for them, but are not true to anyone or anything. Nothing anyone says or does means anything to me because I believe they never mean it. They change with the wind. I change my opinions on things from time to time but it is because I live with my eyes open to the world around me, and sometimes find that I am wrong and it doesn't bother me. Nobody controls my opinions and beliefs. I think for myself. I think most people are too weak to handle that.

So...you think you're the asshole, maybe I am? Me, I don't think I'm an asshole. I think I'm a bitch. Yay me.

I get lonely, but I do get along with people in small doses. I keep it to that to keep from feeling like a hermit. I consider myself to be pretty good company and am resigned to that. When I get lonely, I do something. Usually something artistic. Anything to keep busy. Sometimes I accomplish that by getting on this site.

I should probably read the other replies to see what advice or opinions you have received so I hope I don't repeat what you have already heard. The Father of my 2 boys cheated on me with my best friend right under my nose. I have had friends use me for money, to be a co-signer on a credit card and then leave the state with me left with a full credit card. I have had to file bankruptcy because of someone I thought was my best friend. I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the point. I have one very close friend that is my neighbor and now my best friend and I don't know what I would do with out Tom. My oldest son has his family and I only hear from them through text messages. My youngest son has been in trouble for the past 3 years and I don't hear from him unless he needs something. My grand children who I helped raise don't have time for me because I am on disability and barely get by. They would rather go to their step grandmother, my ex husbands wife who has money and will placate and enable them all. I have issues with men because I was raised by a step grand father that didn't like me and 18 separate step fathers. With all of that being said, I still have a place in my heart for new friendships and trust. My family has now become DS. I have the addresses of many of my friends here who I write and send cards to at least once a month. I trust them with my fears, my sadness, my anger, and my secrets. I will never give up on trusting people, and I will continue to do so until they give me a reason not to. I can't live my life making every person that I meet, suffer and pay for what others have done to me in the past. In general, I am a loner. I don't have any problem being by myself. Maybe it's to make sure my heart is safe, but there is also a part of my heart that is always available to those who I know truly love and care about me. I don't just go on words of what someone says, I go by their actions. They speak much louder. I think it's very important that you learn that you don't have to put on an act. Be yourself and let people know who you really are. I hope you will stick around DS and find out how truly wonderful these on DS people are. Hugs Gramybear