hi

I am 33 born and raised in london. My parents are from india, currently I work in netherlands/germany

people dont call me, when I was in high school people called me because they knew I had a bit of cash from my parents, but didnt really call me for a genuine friendship

my parents would argue alot and they didnt even make friends with the other parents. I had never been abroad on a summer holiday not even to india, and all the other kids had stories. fast forward to hugh school and I finally got to go abroad to indai but not mwith my family, just my mum and cousin and aunt. My mum and aunt would fight a lot so I didnt enjoy it at all. All I had was stress, and on top of this evenry time I left the house to see fake friemds my dad would say something to make me angry and I would leave stressed and under pressure. I did alot of substance abuse but I didnt enjoy it and when my parents ound out they thought I enjoyed it but tthey didt realise it was because of them. I was very concerned about my mum because all she would do is argue with her siblings and my dad, but argue to tell them something was wrong,, eventually she became silent,, and got early dementia and from the age of 50 - 60 the family looked after her and she passed away in 2017. 

I had no real friends, I had some friends from unoversity but they never called me, it was very 1 sided I would call them and meet them and go for a drink and this was how it was for along time. everyone at university already knew each other from their ownhigh schol or college. I had no loyal friends and i was very stressed looking after my mum, dealing with my dad, and seeing how everyone is having fun except for me, and trying make friends hoping somone will call me, and then give in and call them and take abuse.  e.g they anted me to drive but i would not ,, but this added to stre stress and i woulf just drink more,, and I believe they could all see a weakness in me that i have no social power so they could just treat me like shit. 

i had may jobs, and now i am abroad and it the same thing,, i met coleagues but they dont call me, partly becuase i am too serious and they have made their mind up that i am not worth calling. I am serious because my mum died. 

I have missed out many details, buy this is my firs post. It is very stressful being alone, i force my self to think a certain way then i feel my brain being flooded with chemicals and then i tell myself this is normal, and thats how i get by.  I do call and whats app coleagues sometimes but they dont answer or they have blocked me.  I havent told them my mum died and i am sad. 

nothing makes any sense. I just want someone to call me and not in a cunning way to convience me to go somewhere i dont want to go or do something i dont want to do, or just to arrange something properley not where I am the last person they called and I walk to the place and everyone is already there and having fun and they all know each other except for me. 

this is my frost post and there are a lor of detail i missed. my dr say i may be autistic and i havent had enough fun in my life.

i cant go though life initiating freidnship and calling people and nobody calls me. 

I am also not on social media