My family pretty much dissolved after my parents divorce when I was 10. My mom said that everyone should just go their own ways and that family was overrated. My dad pretty much said the same thing. Neither parents wanted us but we ended up with my mom. She made this very clear. She told me she wished I were never born and always said, "I gave up everything for you ungrateful kids!". My dad encouraged me to commit suicide not too long ago. The irony is that after their divorce both parents went running back to their families of origin, leaving me and my siblings out in the cold. I had what I call 'self service parenting'. My mom would leave a 5 dollar bill on the counter for food money for me for the day. I had to choose classes and register for school all on my own. All this is in addition to horrendous physical and even worse physical abuse. I ended up dropping out of high school because the situation at home was out of control. My older siblings got into drugs and there were drug deals going on at the house. I walked in and saw some people snorting coke in the bathroom. My dad was off with his 'flavor of the week' and my mom locked inside her room smoking cigarettes and sleeping. Both parents basically resigned from their job as parents. I managed to graduate from college and even get a masters degree, with zero help or encouragement from anyone in my family. The only encouragement I got was from my mom when she said, "Why bother? You will end up dropping out anyways". Nobody could be bothered to attend my graduations.

My 'family' lives in close proximity yet there is zero communication unless I make the effort. I haven't seen my siblings or their kids for over a year. They just don't care and are absorbed in their narcissistic little worlds. I tried and tried to maintain contact to no avail.

Getting my head around the fact these people just don't care has been really tough. I thought families were important!? My situation is a classic example of the 1960's me, me, me mentality. I would say the social engineers planned destruction of the family has been a smashing success in my case. After traveling and living in working in different countries and cultures I can see why the US is the capital of drug use and mental disorders. We turned upside down thousands of years of traditions, all within a generation. As a teacher, many foreign students ask about my family and when I am truthful they sit awestruck. A few even cried when hearing my story. One student said that if a father had treated his children the way my dad did he would be effectively blackballed from doing business in the country. Here in the good ole USA, such selfishness seems to be applauded.

I'm spending the holidays alone. I've tried going to friends' houses, soup kitchens, etc, but it's just not the same and the pain is sometimes even worse. The after dinner photo album viewing and trips down memory lane are just too much. My mom threw off of my baby pictures in the trash:( I find just sitting at home alone and allowing the painful feelings to just be and not judge them or try to squelch them by getting a bottle of gin or some other diversion. I'm 42 and never been married with no kids. Like I said, I have friends, but it's just not the same.

The whole situation hurts, really badly.