Women are not the only ones who do this first of all!
Just as there are tons of different women in the world I'm sure there are just as many different answers for your question.

I had one of those, I put up with it for a year. The reason? It didn't start out that way. I thought I was giving my all to make it work and only over time did I realize the guy Wanted to leech off me. The whole time he said he wanted a job of course, and I wanted to believe him.
Don't know that this answers your question, maybe some girls just don't think they deserve any better.

Personally I believe it to be in many cases women who have been treated poorly in childhood pick these kind of chaps and most likely feel as though are not worthy and would not know what love is really suppose to feel like in the first place and even if they receive it ....its often times not believed to be real so they choose what they have adapted to from the beginning. It's like adapting to a war zone and when you get out and everything is calm but you still see danger everywhere :-).

I agree with Charlie the poster above. I used to pick men who weren't right for me and until I worked on my own self esteem then I met men who were for me. I am now in a great relationship as I won't let men treat me with disrespect. In the past I was more of a "fixer" and wanted to mold someone or help them in some way.

it's a complicated question. i am one of those women who choose the abusive bad boys with motorcycles. i'm going through that loss right now.

sometimes some women just make a bad choice and that's that. many many many of us actually have an addiction to these men. i do. what i believe is that it is based in childhood. we are trying to have a "corrective experience". it's called repitition compulsion and without help getting out we really can't control it just like any other addiction.

basically i am horribly codependent. i love unavailable men. i try to take care of them, i try to control them, i try to improve their self esteem, i try to change them. i believe, sickly and wrongly that i will be the exception to make them want to soften and be a better person. when he abuses me it only makes me think i did something wrong and i have to try harder. they are vampires that literally feed off of our energy until we are depleted in every way.

the men control us and manipulate us and we try harder. it is a very sick dance. basically the men are unavailable to love and a lot of times have empathy and we are seeking to make happen what we could not in childhood. we want what we did not get in childhood and we believe we can make that happen b/c we have no boundaries and don't realize we cannot control people or make them feel a certain way. we couldn't change our parents and make them love us in childhood to meet our needs and we cannot make these men love us either. repition compulsion.

we also have no self worth, no self respect, no self love and truly don't know that we deserve better. the "nice guys" are somehow boring to us becuase there is no drama and getting our needs met is acutally uncomfortable. the women in these relationships are actually emotionally unavailable and afraid to be close to men too.

the key is get out, stay out, stay single, heal and recover from broken hearts, shattered egos (from repeated rejection) and codependency.

some of us have sex and love addiction on top of codependency.

this is only my perspective on the arrangement...............it might not fit for everyone. this is what fits for me and my friends that repeatedly get involved with men like this.

that is my story. i do love him. i miss him more than "normal" because it was a sick dependency. i am addicted to him. every day is a struggle to not contact him. i hit the bottom with him completely depleted and humiliated. but underneath it all is the core of the issue. it really isn't about him. or the last one or the one before that. it's about my own healing.............

weneego, I really appreciate your honesty on this board! Stoicism, I was one of those women too, and it is much as weneego said, my own insecurities didn't allow me to believe I deserved better. It wasn't love, it was just me trying to fill a void, and not knowing another way. I didn't want to be alone, I was often lonely. Things have changed since then, and I'm now married to a wonderful man, but it took time for me to trust and to believe in myself enough....

yes weenego. It is about healing...

Men and women relationship bring the greatest healing to our lives. That is just the way things work, and it was designed that way. A woman is a mirror to a man. He looks into the mirror and is faced with what he sees, sometimes it is so painful we run like crazy away, or we are attracted to something within, but healing is not necessarily painless, sometimes the wounds are created by past parterns, harmful memories, it is our story it is our song... Love, pain, happiness, peace, joy, light, dark, how long we stay is up to us, it is the free will of mankind. Ring of fire, Love is a burning thing. Yes women and men alike put up with abuse from others because that is what they know form life, from parents, from teachers etc. Love or hate. light or darkness, it seems to be within the hands of some source that says it is all well and purposefull. Even the things we do not understand.

Most abusers do not start out nasty. They seem to be sweet people when you first meet them. They portray this confident exterior that draws you to them. They really seem nice in the beginning. They pretend to be the type of person you are looking for.

A lot of the time the abuse isn't immediate clear. They may get a little distant when things get heavy or make little suggestions about your appearance/behavior. Eventually they wear you down with what they say negatively about you. Others make you fear them as a control method by using threats or violence. Often there are children/family/pets involved and that is used against the victim eg: the children/family/pets will be harmed if you do not obey or try to leave. Often the abuser will use the family/children/pets to prove that the victim is worthless by getting them to withdraw support or even to get them to abuse the victim also.

Money is another thing that can be used by abusers. They can totally control the household money leaving the victim without anyway to escape. Try leaving someone when you don't have any money, not even for a bus fare.

I stayed with my abuser for nearly 14 years, all because my family felt sorry for him and I was repeatedly told the children needed their father, not only from family and friends but government agencies and medical professionals. Most places I sought help said "think of the children", so I stayed for them. I know that was a mistake now but at the time I did what I was being told was the best course of action. Many couples stay together just because of the kids. I grew up without a father so I should have known that all their advice was wrong. You don't need a father to grow up well. You don't need a mother either. What a child needs is love, support and guidance and most of all stability.

There is no rational thoughts when it comes to staying with an abusive partner. Matters of the heart are never rational but it is often more complex than just getting up and leaving.

It isn't just women who suffer but men as well. I just suppose that because women are still not treated as equals in the world (look at countries where women are second class citizens or of no value) and are still trying to free themselves from ingrained views of what a woman is/should be that there is a higher instance of domestic violence against women.

I don't have the answers, just a small insight to what is a huge problem world wide.

i'm also reading two books that i would recommend to anyone that asked.......

I have no idea. LOL My last boyfriend was in that group, he had some really good qualities too so when he was away I always thought of those. Of course when he was here I was reminded of how messed up he was, so that was a problem.

I appreciate the responses. I have difficulty understanding other people most of the time. Everything is so absolute with me, I know what I want and what I don't and I never settle for a compromising situation. So far this path is quite the isolated one, but at the same time I am glad I don't share the everyday troubles of the past like most the people I work with.