My psychologist suggested this site, so here I am.

Lately I've been feeling kind of lonely in my thoughts. I get in moods of deep thinking and existentialism and it's hard for me to talk to those immediately around me. Part of it is a fear that they won't understand where I'm coming from and respond with something that doesn't relate to how I'm feeling, but also I know some of the people around me don't like talking about topics like the meaning of life, what it means to love and be loved, etc. It's hard. I'm also basically isolated in my thoughts and experiences with clinical depression and anxiety. So, here I am to try and see if I can find some like minded individuals or help someone else not feel so lonely. I strive for some sort of deep connection to someone, something, and it's frustrating and upsetting to go without that feeling. I know I'm not truly alone, but some nights I feel like I'm in another world than those around me or there is a bubble preventing me from being able to be reached.

As of recent, my source of loneliness is feeling like I won't be able to experience that deep, overwhelming love for someone. I've felt this for a long time, but more so lately. My last relationship wasn't a healthy one, but the way he talked about how he loved me was something that felt so foreign to me. There was one night where we were talking about some heavy things and he started crying over something I said. He then pulled me close and held me while he said, "I've never wanted someone so badly in my life." The relationship was toxic, and I had to end things, but I miss those feelings of "love" (I use love here loosely because it could have been a selfish possesiveness), and I feel awful I wasn't able to reciprocate them, but I don't know how I would if I've never felt those feelings so deeply before. I've never been one to be scared of a breakup or losing someone mainly due to two things. 1. In all of my relationships, I've been the one who breaks things off because I can no longer confidently handle the relationship or see things getting worked out and 2. I'm scared to let myself love someone that much because then if I do then I really have something to lose, and if I lost them then I don't trust what I would do. So I put up walls and sabotage my desire to feel a deep, meaningful connection by not letting myself become connected to. I know a reasonable response to this would be "well, why don't you just work on taking your walls down and let them love you and you love them?". As the saying goes, it's always easier said than done.

Currently I'm in a much healthier relationship and I care a lot about my SO, but he isn't the type of person who is "emotional" like my ex was. And that's completely ok! It works out well for both of us, but it's a challenge because I don't know how to feel connected with him on a level I'd like, a deep understanding that we love each other like nothing else and that we're willing to make this work. I've heard of some people making "signs" to tell each other they love one another, like when holding hands and one squeezes the other three times to symbolize "I love you." If there are other little things like that then I'd appreciate hearing them. I write him letters about my feelings for him, or how my day went, what I'm thinking/feeling, etc. Something to help him see the parts of me I might not always be able to show or are ready to show in that moment and he really appreciates those letters, but he doesn't do anything similar back. I don't expect him to, but it would be nice if there was something I could help him help me with. I just don't want to feel disconnected from him on something as fundamental as love. Maybe I'm thinking too deeply into this, but I can't help it. I long for a deep connection over something with someone. It doesn't have to be a SO, it can be with a friend, or even with myself, but I just don't have anyone to talk about these things with and that creates feelings of loneliness and helplessness. That maybe I am just "too emotional" or I shouldn't think the way I do because "it's not that deep." But, if things are simple then why do we overthink them?

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. I hope you're all having a good evening/morning/day. It's late where I am and I'm going to go to bed. I'll look more into this site, posts, and groups tomorrow.