I have been SO severely depressed lately about my ex and unbearably lonely........He broke my heart a year and a half ago. We were only together for a few months but...I truly was manipulated into believing that I found my soulmate and the true love of my life............I have had extensive therapy on him and my own issues (I have traits of depression/constantly obsessing/borderline/codepdency that I am working on...........I am not perfect by any means, but one thing I know is that I have a conscience and that I am a good person who has overcome a lot of pain and struggle...I feel and accumulate guilt constantly and for a while I have blamed myself for the end of our relationship...Tonight I thought I would make a list of the negatives..so I could allow myself to see that he wasn't the right person for me)

He used me..after he broke up with me he had sex with me. I came over feeling hopeful, his child (four years old) was in the next room, and he LEFT me alone in the apartment while he ran out to get liquor (by the way this was my first time ever being in the same space as the child, I never got the chance to meet him...he didn't even tell me he was there until I walked through his front door and he was like...oh by the way, my son is here). So we slept together and he said all these things like, I had so much fun with you, please stay with me next week, I want to see you. And he never spoke to me again.....
He was an alcoholic...had to have an entire glass of whiskey every single time I saw him before we left anywhere. I also found out later he went to rehab for his alcoholism (which he ran away from)
He lied to me.....he didn't tell me he had a child until we slept together (which was about three weeks into talking every day). And he lied to me about having an ex wife. He always called her his "ex girlfriend" and then one day he got drunk and it slipped out. I was in complete shock. Why lie about these things? To protect me? Or to make sure I didn't leave? He was 29 and I was barely 22...I was a baby.....and he completely fucked with my head.....

He had no respect for my family..always claimed about there being "too much food" for him to eat when he had dinner with us, always complained about a stomach ache and wanting to leave early....especially on my birthday (the night he met my entire family for the first time) He would sit there yawning and rolling his eyes throughout all of dinner. On my birthday when my family wanted to go out clubbing with me he firmly said that he was tired and going home.

He claimed he cared for me but complained about it..he said he never felt a love like we had....but he couldn't do things that he promised me. He promised me he would get condoms when I spoke to him on the phone and when I came to his place and kindly asked if he got them, he told me he "fucking hates" condoms and refuses to use them (by the way his four year old child was conceived accidentally, and I didn't want to have to go through that again)...and even so, he took no responsibility for whether I got pregnant or not.....
He always hated people, he was the most judgemental hateful person I met. The first night I met him he got in an argument with the uber driver saying how "fucking stupid" he was. The next morning he saw a girl and said "she's so fucking fat and ugly". And he would send me texts when he wasn't with me saying "theres this girl at the bar and she's so ugly". He always told me my earrings didn't look clean and that I had to get my nails done, and once that I looked fat in my dress....He always analyzed people if they had plastic surgery done or not.

He claimed no one celebrated him, that he was alone on his birthdays, that everyone hated him that he had no friends (this should have been a big red flag)
He ran away from rehab and I found out after our breakup that he had some kind of crazy panic attack and threw his moms dog out of a window (and when I met him he claimed that he was so in love with animals. He actually yelled at his dog constantly in the worst ways)
He talked shit about everyone and everything
One night after my 23rd birthday I completely passed out..I was wasted. And being passed out on the bed...he came up from behind me and tried to have anal sex with me. Without even ASKING me, seeing that I was practically unconscious. TMI but...when I first met him, and the first time I slept with him, he told me that he thinks anal sex is degrading and disgusting and he has tried it but wouldn't do it with me.
And he said the same thing about "doggy style" sex, saying how impersonal it was..and it was all he wanted to do when we were together....
I had and have a problem with sex, its usually very painful for me and he knew that about me. So when I asked him the next morning why he tried to have anal sex with me his response was, "I couldn't put it your vagina so I just put it there instead...dont lie, you liked it"


I do believe I was wrong in many ways too....but I also believe that I started acting out- attached/needy/codependent/frustrated/angry with him because I generally felt unsafe. I hated how he talked about others, especially his family. His remarks about love and marriage scared the hell out of me, (even on our first date, barely knowing me, he told me he wishes he met me five years ago-before his son was born). And then he would tell me how I freaked him out by telling him I loved him too soon...but then the next night he would tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me. This back and forth kind of attitude scared the hell of out me....because I didn't know if he meant what he was saying or if he didn't and was just trying to tell me what I wanted to hear....

I hated how he talked to me in an annoyed voice...it was the same way he spoke to his dog, his parents and probably his own son
I was terrified when he lied to me about his son and his ex wife, but I was too attached to him and pretended like it didn't happen

I made my mistakes, I fell in love too fast, was too codependent, got mad and frustrated easily because I constantly doubted his affection for me, I got angry for stupid reasons like why he didn't answer my texts etc etc....

But if I didn't have those problems, I probably wouldn't have been dumped by him, and I would have never left. I would have been stuck with a liar who used me to feel better about himself and told me he wanted to marry me and then threw me away like garbage. Maybe I had a lot of my own issues, but if he ever cared about me he would have made sure I was ok...instead of just sleeping with me and never speaking to me......I found out about a week after that, that he came up to his friends and begged them to start dating me so that I would "leave him alone"

If he ever loved me or meant what he said...at least he would have tried to tell me that he still cared about me and never meant to hurt me.....
He got a new girlfriend about a month later.
We haven't spoken in a year and a half...and never will.

I believe that he has erased me from his memory...like I was this "crazy" girl in his life, that he never had feelings for, and never will. i guess at this point I would rather be alone.....