As I sit here writing this I am contemplating what I will think about myself in a few hours, or maybe tomorrow. Am I going to totally regret putting my feelings into words, for everyone here to see? Most likely. I'll probably smoke and drink myself into a nothing-like state, where I sit and submit to the emptiness I feel inside. It's much better than hating myself every millisecond even more than the last. It's better than looking in the mirror and having the word "pathetic" screaming in your head - "Look at you, what the fuck are you doing holed up in this house, you have nobody, you do nothing unless nothing isn't an option, you ARE nothing but a handsome face, a less-than-muscular body, a broken head and a toxic sense of longing."

For me, the only thing that keeps me going is letting out my feelings, I pour it all out onto anyone who is unlucky enough to be in my vicinity. This is due to some stupid hope that this person will have empathy and choose to comfort me, compliment me, make me feel validated, literally anything to soothe and pacify my mind. Hugs, cuddling, some kind of tender contact - it's like heroin to me. I feel people's energy pour into me and all of the sudden I feel whole again as I did as a child. 

Please hug me and tell me it's okay and that I'm not crazy. Please love me. That's what makes them all run. They see a man who cannot create joy within himself and always resorts to his only option - relying on others to create it. An emotional vampire. But, you see, if someone were to do this to me my reaction would be the exact opposite. I would stay, I would encourage them and I would take more interest in them. I would want to stay forever. I would want to give them a hug and tell them it will be ok. I would obsess over what I could do to make them feel accepted or wanted even with their pleading, pathetic, needy personality.

I've sat alone in this house all day. I'll sit and get high, I'll watch stupid shit I don't care about on YouTube until I feel like I'm going to lose my mind - if I haven't already. My friend offered for me to come over tonight, but there's several things that are stopping me.

1: My ex girlfriend is hanging out with him as well. They were friends before her and I met. I don't want her in my life anymore - she deeply hurt me. Yet I am in a stupid group text with them both, so I am constantly reminded of her. I cannot find it within me to leave the group although it's what I really want and really need to do. I would feel like a dick.

2: He lives 45 minutes away from me, and I don't even have the energy to walk upstairs for food.

3: He has been dating a beautiful girl lately and just can't refrain from sending me pictures of the hickies on his neck and talking about how great it's been. He knows I've been alone for over a year and I don't understand why he cannot figure out that seeing that stuff makes me feel all the more lonely. So I am frustrated with him but at the same time I cannot express how I feel about it to him becuase it's not fair - I should be happy for him instead of jealous.

I really wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could go out and make friends, I wish I could stop being such an emotional leach of a soul-sucker. I wish someone would spend time with me. I wish I could find someone of similar interests to share my life with. I want to hold someone, I want to be held. I want to go out and do things, go out to concerts and bars and clubs with my group. But I don't have a group. I'm an outcast.

I do not know how much longer I can go feeling this way and living this way. My life is a boring and lonely loop. Monday through Friday I go to work for 8 to 10 hours. On the weekends I sit in the house and do nothing - it's the only option I can come up with. I don't know anyone other than my 2 close friends who I can rarely see - they are always busy living a normal and healthy life. I don't have anywhere to go. I could go to the bar but what good does that do, I spend 30 dollars in drinks and have some stupid conversation with someone sitting near me. Usually some old guy who tries to convince me to go home with him before he leaves. Disgusting. Makes me want to punch them in the throat and hope their larynx collapses. 

If you are feeling the same way or going through similar things, I would love to see some responses. I want to get to the bottom of this and become free from this part of myself. This unhealthy, intense feeling of loneliness, longing, hopelessness, feeling as if I will die alone. Because all it does is cause me to behave in a way that ensures my life to stay that way.